More Tea, Less Coffee

Yes, I am trying to cut down on coffee/caffeine and live a healthier lifestyle for myself. Last week I did not have much caffeine or coffee but come on my schedule was all out of wack anyway over Spring Break. But this week I have cut myself down to one cup of coffee or vanilla lathe a day. It makes me really cherish that cup of coffee though when I do get it, like this morning at about 9:00 I got a cup from McDonalds on the way to practicum. I feel like I am not doing too bad, and its been an empowering experience so far! I feel like I am gaining energy but at the same time still have minor headaches at times, and even after a full night of sleep I am still waking up exhausted! That is the part that really stinks, for example on Tuesday I am supposed ( supposed being the key word)at practicum by 9 every morning which means I need to leave here no late than lets say 8:05. Well Tuesday I woke-up at about 8:05, oh well! Then Wednesday I got to my 8:30 class at about 8:35 after waking up at like 7:50.
GRRRR!!!
But the good thing is that I have good tea, real tea from China and my friend this past Sunday gave me a whole bunch of Japanese goodies including green tea! I even bought a $6 tea kettle this week at Target, which makes me happy to add to my kitchen supplies. Which includes that is mine and not my roommates now a coffee maker, a tea kettle, and some tubberware. haha!

On a more serious note and that is practicum was crazy today! My fourth grade boys group which knows how to hit all my buttons was great fun today! I talked a lot of Spanish today in that group which could be good or bad. This week it has been good a bit because I have talked to them some about the new latest round of discriminatory mostly immigration reform bills. But my fourth grade boys group was crazy as always today and I separated the main one a little bit. But that really doesn't happen, this kid scares me a bit I think he might be already dealing drugs for the gangs, but have no way of knowing this for sure. He decided to really push the limit and be funny and started to sing the song "I'm in love with a stripper." Well I went over there kind of mad and started talking and then all of a sudden these words flew out of my mouth in a mean tone "Shut up!" I wish I could go back and change that one becuase the group went bizzarck because that is definitely something I am not supposed to say. He was like I am going to tell the principal. . . I apologized but was like whatever go ahead. The principal was having a crazy day too, so she would've been like whatever too! But I have to work on that and not let that happen again. . . I still have my fourth grade group probably at least another 2 or 3 times. Help me before I go crazy. . . No not really!

I have a job interview on Monday morning my first real option for having a job in the real world. Which has to happen my parents told me. But anyway I would or will be a case manager working with foster care children possibly being able to use my Spanish too and be beneficial. Not really my first choice for a job at this point, but you have to start somewhere, right?

God has really been doing a lot in my life lately. . . I am currently slowly memorizing Philippians which teaches a person a lot in in itself. I almost got the first chapter taken care of. Part of it is influenced by this awesome book I am reading right now that everyone should read called The Heavenly Man: the remarkable true story of Chinese Christian Brother Yun. Its like reading the book of Acts but in the current time and in China. But this man talks about how Bibles were and can be scarce in CHina and that the people just eat the Word up. He would memorize like whole chapters in a day or even books. Its amazing. . . but at the same time I am like what if in my lifetime the government makes it illegal to own a Bible or they become scare or something. How am I going to know what it says if its not in front of me. . . I need to memorize the Word and store it in my Heart for use! Just a thought that I have been taking seriously lately.


Okay thats all!

Miami & so much More

Yes, as many of you know this last week I went to Miami for Spring Break with six other people and for the first half there was seven of us (4 girls, and 3 guys.) I do not know where to begin but lets just say Spring Break was good and fulfilled its purpose of getting away from school. At the same time, however it was not everything I hoped it to be in my wildest imagination!

Some things that I dreamed of doing in Miami:
1. Meeting the Latina of my dreams, who speaks some English but mostly Spanish with a strong accent and a gorgeous body of course while all the while meeting my specific guidlines.

2. I was going to see the headquarters of Univision and walk in and expect to have a nice discussion with Jorge Ramos, who I happen to think would be a very useful and interesting man to know.
3. I was going to buy lots of expensive clothing that is unique and highly fashionable (I actually did this some).
4. I was going to have many wonderful opportunities to communicate with people in Spanish (again some and it was good experiences, but everyone was suprised when me a White kid spoke Spanish.)
5. That the hotel was going to be some amazing, comfortable, accomodating room for at least six people (maybe 4 at the maximum).
6. I thought surely I will get a long with everyone and we will all become best friends through the trip and it would be the best thing ever (okay once again in some ways yes this happened, just not for me personally as big as everyone else involved, which sucks)

Okay so we arrived in Miami on Monday and waited at the airport for like an hour outside for the city bus to take us to our hotel with all of our luggage. What?! I have never had to do that and was not happy and then get on a bus that took an hour and a half to get to the hotel all to save money for the price of $2. Okay, it was cheap but I was a bit tired and frustrated! I learn more and more that I am sometimes selfious and snobby even if it doesn't come out thats how I am acting on the inside when I am like "I am too good for this!" Not everyone has lived a life of relative privelage like I have. And the hotel let me tell you was not that impressive for the suite that I thought it would be (one sink, one shower and toilet a room with the bed, a couch some tables, and a small small kitchen area.) Another thing is too that I was not a huge fan of was buying food from the grocery store and taking a lot of time to cook half-descent food in my opinion to save money.) Not that I had a lot either. . . but obviously I am amazed everytime when I go on vacations with my friends how different it is from what I have experienced on vacations with my family. This is both good and bad. . . but right now Spring Break is probably the last vacation I'll have for a long time or the last time I'll have 10 days off for years especiallyas a social worker.

What else? The first three nights we went out (like as in clubs with dancing and stuff) pretty hard! Personally I am not a big fan of clubs with the loud music, the dancing that happens there, and the overpriced prices to get in (like $20 minimum in Miami) unless its like a sals club maybe. But anyway. . . after the first night of being out till 3 or 4 I was done of walking to catch a bus, walking some more to find a club and then whatever. I am the type of person that would much rather go out with a group of friends and have drinks or a bottle of wine with music in the background and talk. But anyway, I made that fun the best I could anyway without really getting sick of it and blowing up, I almost didn't go out the second night. But that night we didn't go to bed because we went to the hot tub and talked and that was very nice and then went to the beach for the sun rise and to hang out in the ocean. This was really fun except we didn't actually see the sun because of clouds. . . but it was a lot of fun and a wonderful experience!

So, the people I went with let me describe them to you in a short synapsis:
Zee - a guy my age from Zimbabwa, Black pretty cool guy
T - an African American guy my age
M - my collegue at practicum that I know through church, has some issues because just broke within last year from everything she has ever known in the German Babtist Church.
Chea - White girl my age, but at the clubs "dances like a Black girl"
Nat - an African American girl, two years younger than me
Merry - the girl that stayed with us for the first half, two years younger than me a tall beautiful burnette white girl that looks like a model

Okay, just to clarify I am not a racist or trying to imply that race is the sole purpose for everything I am going to explain from this point on. I just feel like its important to make known becuase it might have contributed to how the group dynamics worked in my opinion.

My biggest thing is for a group of people like this and especially people that I do not know the best its hard for me to open up right away and tell my whole life story and all of that. I have to get a feel of the situation and then decide what I want to tell, but I do not like people telling maybe that sometimes it just feels like you are trying to isolate yourself from the group. Okay, when the whole group is bonding and having this amazing time together except for me for whatever reasons I have I feel kind of isolated too. Realizing that a lot of it is up to me, but anyway my apperance of trying to isolate myself might not be really what is happening. For me I like to see new things, and gain my own knowledge and truths sometimes and do not like maybe always having to talk or be around you. My friends know that once I get to know you and am comfortable its hard to get me to shut up, but in this situation it was tough for me in some regards. I felt like a lot of the time the group had this strong sense of Black culture even the White girls because that is who they are and they are knowledegable in that. I think thats awesome, but for me I am all about the Hispanic culture. So maybe if the group was mainly Hispanics maybe it would have been different and they would've felt more insecure. But for example I would get on the bus sometimes when we were going somewhere and would sit a little bit away from the rest of the group. Then attempt to listen and talk to some of the people on the bus in SPanish and all of that you know that sort of thing. . . and then later that night one guy was like I felt like you were trying to isolate yourself. I don't know what to say, but the rest of them have this strong bond of family and like it was the best trip ever blah blah blah and I am like in some regards it was only okay. I wanted to do more than the typical college Spring Break of clubbing at night, staying up late and sleeping intil 1 every day, always being loud and obnoxious as a group walking down the street that sort of thing. But a lot of that is how I was brought up and my background too, even my heritage in being Polish who knows, but I know a lot of it is me! I just might not of had the great time as the rest of them because mainly the focus was to stay with the group and I was not the majority. Like going to the clubs, or watching and waiting for people to get tatoos or whatever. I wanted to get to know the city more on a real level, the culture, the people, the stories, etc. . that is what I am interested in but that does not fit the typical Spring Break though does it. It still could have been fun!

I did manage to do some high end shopping though around South Beach which I loved! I bought a couple of things, and White seems to be the in color for Spring according to me this year by the things I bought! I would love to find a job down in Miami and live and work down there for a while.

One day we did go see the movie V for Vendetta and I have to say I really liked it! There were so many real emotions there that I felt it was unbelievable. As much as that movie is fiction I couldn't help but see a lot of those things happening in our world, or realistically that we or the US in particular is going down some of those paths. The whole idea that living in fear is oppressive especially when the masses are afraid and go down anyway that looks good, but really is bad upon further examination. But maybe we never really see it as bad because it numbed the fear and through being oppressed we cannot see any different. How scary! I would suggest anyone interested at all in this type of movie should see it. And I must say that the character V as freaky as he was; it took him to create the revolution or the final product at the end of the movie. WOW!

Okay, so I am really tired and will not type any further for the moment. I didn't sleep at all last night because we had to leave the hotel by 4:00 AM to try to catch a bus. There are no buses in the morning and then crammed six of us with all of our luggage in a taxi van with barely enough money to pay. Another thing that I don't think the group planned the best or thought about, but then again I didn't think the group really listened to me all that much! I really did have a good job in my own unique way I am sure and did enjoy getting to know everyone, just not in the same ways. I hope this makes sense to everyone who reads this if not. . . ask me, or call me or something.

Countries I would like to Visit (no particular order or is there)
1. Spain
2. Argentina
3. Peru
4. Guatemala (otra vez)
5. Japan
6. China
7. Mexico
8. Italy
9. Poland
10. Estonia
11. Russia
12. South Africa
13. Costa Rica
14. Chile
15. France
16. Austrailia
17. Austria
18. Germany
19. Ireland
20. Monaco

Okay, I think that is the top 20 as of right now. . . anyone want to buy me plane tickets for graduation, hehe!

But really I am leaving for Miami for a week on Monday morning for Spring Break! And right now I can't really complain becuase I haven't had to pay for a thing, and my parents even gave me money to spend. My grandma who has cancer right now really rough, sent me a check for $100 too. How sweet. . . I pray for healing. But no I cannot wait for Miami the beach, the weather, the pretty girls (maybe), the food, shopping, everything! I feel like I am going to get there and its going to fly by and then I am not going to want to come back!

And then two weeks from Monday I have a job interview in the big city where my pracitcum is (yeah that one). Its for a case management position working with kids in the foster care system. I don't know if I am too excited or not, but you have to start somewhere right. . . so maybe I won't get out of this area right away. . . okay. We'll see. . .I did e-mail a cover letter and resume for a job in Phoenix that sounded like what I want to do exactly, but probably nothing will come out of that. I am going to be poor either way you look at it after graduation for the rest of my life, haha!

On to my love life. . . which I am sure you all are excited to read about how boring it is. Actually, there is a girl that I know from Nation 2' Nation, and the ministry that I am involved in and she is about my age from Malaysia. She is very nice and outgoing. . .well we have been talking more lately. We had a three hour lunch more or less on Monday since we had the day off since campus was closed after the tornado. Well, we've been talking, and e-mails and just you know. . . talking. But the thing is tthat after this week I have come to the point where she isn't the girl for me in that sense. Like she is an awesome woman of God, very friendly, outgoing, but thats about it there is no sparks or anything flying ther for me. I mean don't get me wrong she is cute, but thats about all I can say. (ANd she won't be reading this just so you all know.) And certain aspects of her personality don't align with me either, but I do enjoy hanging out with her. I'll just have to be careful so she doesn't think I am leading her on or something.

Pensamientos

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Poema 20 - Pablo Neruda

Me gusta Poema 20 mucho y en esta noche especialmente estas lineas. Yo leo y pienso que es mis sentimientos. Bueno, estas lineas dicen muchas cosas a mi. Ellos me ayudan saber que otras personas han sentido el mismo como yo. . . .y otras personas sentiran el mismo en el futuro.

Si, estoy contento con mi vida ahora. . . ya estoy mejor que mi ultimo post. Hoy yo fui para almuezo con una amiga. Ella es de Malaysia, nosotros hablamos por tres horas mas o menos. Nosotros placticabamos en muchas cosas; mi vida, su vida, el futuro, fue bien.

Yo voy a Miami en seis dias para el Spring Break! Yeah, no puedo esperar estar alli en la playa!

Life Update.

Okay, so this week went from one extreme to the other it seemed like. Some of you who have read my previous post know what the one extreme was over and when it was. But I have to say the week got better and better after Monday night. Which is always good. . . and now I don't feel that much hurt or loss over anything at all. Which could be a good sign that yes I am doing the right thing by not saying anything and just being content as friends. If my feelings that I had on Monday were real and that strong maybe I would be majorly depressed by now and had no clue how to live my life without her. Which is probably a good sign and a reality check that maybe I am holding onto an idea and not the real thing, true love anymore. Yes, there will always be a special place in my heart for her. . . but what can I say?

Practicum went well this week. . . I am busier than ever with it but it keeps me going and working on goals with students or whatever it is that needs to get done. This weekend I have to come up with something to do in group for the topic of peer pressure. I am wacking my brain trying to think of what to do!

I am finding more and more and over and over again that God cares and wants the best for me! Rigtht now I am trying to memorize Ephasians. . . I have the last part of chapter 6 pretty much down I think, but now I want to try to get the whole book squared away. Last year I had the whole first chapter down, but I have to rememorize it. I want God's words imprinted in me which is good, but also something else to have in there to maybe help me control all the other junk thats swinging around in my mind. Then at he ministry I go to on Thursday night they were finishing up the series Sexual Revolution which was good. But Thursday the issue was dating and marraige, but in a good way. It wasn't like this is how all Christians should do it and if they don't do it this way then well we condemn you. The guy started off with you know how he doesn't know where everyone is as far as their journey, but he said, "some of you in your lives right now need to be praying for God to bring your future spouse to you." I looked at the person beside me and waws like "no way" I am not ready for that. For some reason I haven't got that out of my head and am thinking through it and see what I am supposed to get out of that sentence that I can't dismiss. Then he talked about the idea about how many Christians pray for God to prepare their future spouse for them and protect them so fourth until the proper time. Which is all good and everything, but shouldn't we be saying to God "prepare me and help me to protect my heart to be the future husband and dad I am going to be someday." This blew me away, but it is good and makes sense.. . . yes God we want you to prepare us to be worthy as a husband or wife and not you make a person worthy to be with us! He also talked about that if we are truly and totally following God then we shouldn't be looking for our spouse. God knows who it will be and if we focus on Him and work on our current relationships with believers God's going to take care of us. Who are we to say, "Hey God we love you and trust you with everything, but then say but in this area of my life I will find the person for me!"? I mean if you think of it like that what kind of thinking is that to tell God one thing and then do another. . . but how true is that for everyone of us in some aspect of our lives. That we say, "God you take control, except for this becaue I know better for me!" And we hear this so many times, but really this is our reality as humans always wanting to have control of something or someone.

Tonight I went to Nation 2' Nation and I took Alfajors Havanna in a box for people because I think they are too sweet. I saved two for me, but I took them tonight and people loved them. Esepecially the Latinos, a couple from Bolivia was like where did you get this? These are the best! My dad gave them to me he got them from his business partners from Argentina. But anyway Nation 2'Nation is fun because its international students and we eat good food and usually play games and talk. I had fun. . . but my Spanish stunk even my English. I was trying to talk the Bolivian couple and I couldn't talk or talk that well. Next week I would like to impress them and just use Spanish. It was a bit frustrating tonight, but there is always next week another day! Tonight I was pretty tired and my mind is a little bit sapped from this week and conversation groups and classes all day today trying to help students with English. Especially when it is basic English with Japanese students who are here for three weeks. Its fun, but my mind like shuts down after a while even in English, but I love it! Its crazy but I get language fatigue in English just from using all my resources to try to explain something or concentrating on it for so long. Listening is also a key because you have to be able to hear well to understand people. A Korean girl told me tonight that I talk like an "English teacher" that was a nice compliment. I think that a lot of international students think this too, but my English is really not that great. . . its funny that international students can understand me so much better than Americans. But I know why. . . I guess its good and I have no problems telling people this is how I talk so get used to it so you can understand me just don't make fun of me or act like I have a problem (which I have gotten from Americans before).

Tomorrow I am going with some international students all day to the Tallgrass Prarie Park to hike. I get to drive a van on a two hour trip each way. . . looking forward to it, but no it will be fun. The Japanese students love me. . . The French. . . well where to start with them, but they are nice too.

Crazy like an Eerie Circus Clown.

Yeah, thats me. . . it has got to be that wacko. At this rate I am heading towards a mental breakdown by graduation! (Everyone please let me know when this works with everyone's schedules so you can all come and visit me at the hospital.) Sometimes I just wish everything and everyone arounnd me would just stop and leave me to breath, relax, and catch up. This stage right now in my life seems to be the most demanding, challenging, and scary all at once and somehow I have got to survive and make it through it. Which I will, not sure if I'll be sane by the end. . . but really what is sane? I have to keep trusting God and realize He wants the best for me in life, He doesn't want to cause more harm or pain than what I already put on myself. haha! Maybe this paragraph is a little bit dramatic. . . which I am sure it is but it sure can feel like that sometimes.

So, this weekend I went home. . . well I did Saturday morning and left again today (Monday morning) it was a very fast trip! I really wanted to stay for a couple of more days to relax, but once again life is too demanding right now. I got my haircut and saw the family. The family is doing okay and it was good to see them and hang out with them. Family is becoming more and more important to me in my life as I get older is this common or just part of my craziness?

I was supposed to hang out with my friend from Dallas. . . and we talked several times on the phone. I thought she was going to come over to my house and watch the Oscars with my family. But she is very undecisive and a lot of things going on. . . we talked for about twenty minutes through her undecisveness until I thought I had her coming. Saying things like, "Just come, I would really like to see you, you know that" of course many times to prove the point. Well she ended up calling her mom and she reminded her saying that she was at home for her dad's birthday today (I can't argue with that). So, she didn't come. Well, we had a backup plan that we agreed on to have breakfast this morning in my town whcih she wanted. But then she had to take her car to the shop this morning in her town, so we agreed that I would leave home earlier to meet her up in her town for breakfast. Okay, so this morning I drove up to see her and we had coffee and a muffin and talked for about forty-five minutes. So, we talked and she apologized for being a bad friend about this weekend and all. She talked about how I can always follow her to Florida after graduation, etc. talked about stuff you know. We are going to hang out Friday of Easter weekend. She values our friendship, I can tell that and wants to hang out. But to be honest with you I still like her after a long friendship with a history of dating/hanging out and have had a couple of talks in the past about us. But lately I have felt like she is thinking differently about us or doesn't know what she wants or maybe I have been hanging out with her too much. Maybe its both of our faults for letting the friendship grtow too close or something. So, I left her town this morning feeling like I am about to burst soon if I don't tell her how I feel again and find out how she feels. But I don't want to ruin the friendship. But still I had all these crazy ideas about what to do. . . like get her address and send her the DVD Pride and Prejudice because we saw it together with a box of browny mix in the mail. Then send her some other things, etc. for her to get the picture. I was even praying for God to let me know and maybe my feelings and what I want took over way too prematurely on the way back up. I am out of things to say (and if she reads this, which I don't think she does I really don't care.) But then after thinking, thinking, I completely opened up to another friend that shall reamain nameless too via computer. Pretty much maybe she was more of a voice of reason. . . finally got her to state her opinion. . .don't do anything or say anything. "It sounds like you have got a good friendship going, its been a long time, and maybe you should move on." Yes, so I don't think I am going to do anything about it and let time move on especially as it will move on at a completely different and faster speed after graduation I am sure. But I have to say it hurts, and it kind of hurts pretty bad right now. I don't know. . . but right now I feel like a fool and an idiot for lettting myself go this far. One way love is horrible, it isn't even real love because real love goes both ways; you love the person and the person loves you. FRIENDSHIP. . . its hard to find good honest friends so I need to count the blessings I guess and just roll with it for however long this one continues, hopefully for life. It hurts, but maybe this is finally the turning point I need to maybe move on for good or maybe not, and I'll continue to be a big fat loser!

Yeah, and Related tonight one of the shows I like to watch at the current time did not help me feel any better tonight. The sad part is that I can relate to some of the characters in some miniscule ways, which definately did not help tonight. Oh well

But yeah did I mention that life is crazy busy too. . . not necessarily with school but work, practicum, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Everything seems to be magnified 100X this semester and its awful! A little disclaimer by the way I don't care who reads my blog or who you are, but it remains okay as long as everything remains absolutely anonymous even in your posts or comments. I do not mind being completely honest here because I see it as my testimony to who I am and my life and its real. I hope everything will respect that and also on a lighter note uses it to keep up with me since I can't talk to you all individually everyday.

Ups and Downs.

So, this week has felt like riding a roller-coaster in some ways. . . I am not sure if I can really explain it, but I can try by going through a synapsis of the week day by day.

Monday
I had two conversation groups, a one-on-one English tutorial time with a young man from China, and a conversation class with students from Sauida Arabia at a basic English level. And in the middle of all of that I had lunch with my friend from Costa Rica and todo fue en espanol. But I love my job with the Applied English Center and doing what I do with international students. But in my last time slot of the day at 3:00-3:50 is my conversation class with the Saudis. Let me tell you I was tired physically and more importantly my mind was exhausted from all the thinking in language stuff. Well, on top of that it was basic English, slow talking all of those things and in the middle of talking with them I somehow zoned out. I was trying to explain some basic concept and then some others were talking in Arabic at the same time to explain the concept too. Well, somehow in all of this mess my mind said, "No More!" and completely went somewhere else for a second. Like I was all the way out, I had the dazed and confused look on my face, I am sure they thought something went a little cuckoo up there in the head! But at the same time all of my work with international students is very rewarding. . . they all are very friendly and thankful which tends to help you think, "yes maybe I am actually helping them in some small way."

My dad told me on the phone this night that he thinks I am making a mistake by not going to get my masters right away. Which I kind of knew thats how he felt, but if he thought I would change my mind its a little late for that now to go to school somewhere next year. GRRR!

Tuesday
I had practicum of course with my kiddos in the elementary school. The day just flew by because the whole time I was working with the kids, or in some form within direct contact with people. Which is the best in my opinion. . . the paperwork is the part Icould do without sometimes, but its important nonetheless. I had four groups and this week all we did was read a book about telling the truth and talked about it. One of my kids on Tuesday signed his name with a nickname and ended up taking this issue to the principal's office becuase it was kind of gang looking related and we don't tolerate it. The situation with him is kind of sad, because he likes me I can tell but in front of everyone else because of what he has been taught he can't like me. Part of it is because I am not Hispanic. . . which is a racist attitude which he admits to that he is like this sometimes. And he is only in fifth grade! Then my individual time with a kid that I meet with after school in fourth grade brought back the notebook I gave him the week before. The purpose of the notebook is to create a better communication system with the mom since she only knows Spanish and doesn't really say much to me anyway. Well, she did it and I could read it for the most part but her written Spanish is horrible! The grammar, mispelled words and words stuck together thatare not supposed to be like in this sentence, or words that have huge spaces in the mi ddle of them. Why am I not suprised and I just have to look at this as a strength still that the mother is willing to try this with me. I didn't eat lunch on this day.

Tuesday night I went with three of the Japanese students that I know from Kanagawra out to eat. They are a group that is here for a week and actually leave early tomorrow morning. But we went to eat at a Steak place and I ate all of this huge meal and of course they didn't eat all of it. I felt like a pig! Then we went to Best Buy becuase they wanted to go. . . I ended up buying two DVDs; The Constant Gardener, and Spirited Away a Japanese anime movie that is supposed to be good. I have never watched anime in my life. . . so we'll see when I get the time to watch it. It was a good night as usual with them talking and helping them with their English.

After this I called my friend in Massachusetts who called me earlier when I was busy. We talked and he is doing a lot better, which is good to hear but still hates Massachusetts his home state. They (him and my other good friend) are going to probably move back to the area this summer after they get married. We talked about everything in his life, how my life is going. . . talked about my futrure and how I don't know whats going to happen, but I am okay and all of that. Then we talked about the wedding coming up and how I am going to get there and the details and all of that stuff and that was a bit confusing. So needless to say after that conversation I felt very overwhelmed and anxious, but not becuase of him or what he said but what it triggered in me. All of those what if questions and thinking about the future. . . I am still dealing as you can see. And I had to finish a paper that night and it was already like 10:30 for my class at 8 in the morning. That paper was coming up with a group plan to be implemented in a VA setting, but other than that I had to create everything else. It was challenging but I finished it, but not before another person called me in the BSW Student Group. I am a co-director of communications and she is the other co-director to remind me about the meeting on Wednesday night and say that she would be turning in her resignation letter. Well, there is a lot of work this semester as far as that, so I was like great timing and felt even more overwhelmed. Somehow I finished the paper and was not anywhere close to sleeping, but my mind was crazy and done. It seemed like everything was too much and coming at me way too fast! THEN. .. there is an e-mail in my indbox from my teacher in the morning class saying that class is cancelled! Praise God! But she cancelled it because her two year old daughter is really sick with a retrovirus probably and was in and out of the hospital for tests and such. I hope her daughter is doing better now! Then I finally went to bed. . .

Wednesday
Didn't get out of bed until like 10 in the morning and somehow still managed to be late for the 12:30 class. But that morning was such a time for me to think and get things clear and somewhat back to normal and that was amazing! I was also called that morning by an agency that I applied for a case management position in the nearby metro. area to set-up an interview. Its on Monday April 3. Its not exactly my dream job working as a case manager in the foster care system, but I love kids and you have to start somewhere right? Its kind of exciting. . .that this could be the job to get things started and its close by. . . which is practical for now I guess.

My policy class we watched the movie Store Wars about Walmart and its cooperation. I kind of decided that for moral and ethical reasons I am not about to take any job for that company even if its the best job/offer I get. My last class, Ethics was boring as usual I like the teacher but its so late in the day and we all are seniors in our last semester, Hello! Then I went to the meeting and earlier that day my co-director of communication told me to forget the conversation from the night before, Halleluah! God was really helping me out here. . . and that just assured me in more that I need to trust Him and go to Him like I did earlier that morning and then He'll take care of stuff! Amen! That was that day in a nut shell

I also watched The Constant Gardener later that night. . . and let me tell you I liked that movie. It is about Africa, big pharmacetical companies, spying, and murder. It was excellent and is deep and challenges people's mind-sets about Africa, drug companies, political things. Thats the kind of movie I like!

Thursday
Practicum again, and nothing huge or big to talk about really there. They had the Black History Month programs that morning and the kids did well. I cannot take my fourth grade boys group anymore, and its soley becaue two out of the six totally change the dynamics of it in a negative way when they happen to be there! GRRR!

Then later that night I went to a Better Than Ezra concert with some friends. That was fun, but I was tired after that of course from standing on my feet the whole time and couldn't hear much because of the volume.

Friday
This morning I had two conversation classes with a new group of Japanese Students from Meikai University. They were all very nice and talkative and seemed to like me of course. I had fun, and I like Japanese students in general. Then I read the New York Times a bit and went to lunch with a friend. Then had to be back for a conversation group at 1:00 which was kind of fun, we played pictionary today and the other leader is cool but kind of crazy sometimes. I like her, but I don't know sometimes I feel like its just "Its Friday lets half-ass it!" Then I went to a bookstore with the same friend I went to lunch with after that and bought a book called The Heavenly Man, its about the remarkable true story of Chinese Christian Brother Yun. ANd I have to say its really good so far! Then I came back here to pack before I go home in the morning and made my bed and walked the dog. Everyday things that needed to be done.

Then I went to dinner with my conversation partner from China at around 5 and ate a ton. We had a good conversation and really value my close friendship with him in many ways. Then I had to be at a place on campus or very close to campus for the AEC farewell party for the Kanagawra students from Japan. Which made me sad and they were all sad. . . but it was fun too talking and taking pictures with them and watching the slide show. ANd of course good eats, after I ate too much at dinner. Then about 10:00 I went with another Japanese students who attended the party too to go to Nation 2'Nation. We talked about Christianity on the way there which was awesome because I got to share a little about about what my faith is and stuff. She isn't really a Christian yet she doesn't think, but goes to church, the Bible Study, etc.,etc. It was pretty cool, but she is already pretty open about religion and stuff. But I think she needs to hear it from as many Christians as possible. Nation 2'Nation was fun of course, and then I learned how to play Spades later. I left there about midnight. . . oh so late!

And I am going to try to leave in the morning no later than 8 or 8:30 for home for a couple of days until Monday morning.

SO MUCH!

Life happens between Posts.

I am not sure what to catch everyone up on. But more and more I know God is telling me this semester that I made the right decision about switching campus ministries and everything that has to go with that. And no one read this and freak out becuase you think somehow I am brainwashed into something strange. . . no its nothing like that its just experiencing and growing in my relationship with God like He wants! For example, the small group that I am in met for only its third time this semester and I don't know if it was only me but it was one of the most open and honest groups I have ever been to. Wow, I am amazed that I felt so comfortable and opened up like I did. . . but it was sweet! I really feel connected with everyone.

On a completely different lighter subject I am going to miss watching the Olympics from Italy! I was I was there and could've seen it. Some images I would have liked to have seen in person would be the Opening Ceromonies and Pavorroti singing at the very end! WOW! I would have liked to watch the ski jumping I am always amazed to see how high they get an how far they go. I would also have liked to seen some of the cross-country skiing races it reminds me of my cross-country days but on a whole different level! Of course the figure skating events, in particular the women the Japanese girl that won, the pair figure skating where the AMerican cojple landed the first throw triple axle. And the ice-dancing all the drama that went with that this year. The Americans winning the silver medal, and the Italian couple that were so mad and bitter towards each other and then at the end were crying and kissing. It would have been like watching a mini soap opera I think at the Olympics. Sounds like my life! And the closing ceromonies, and can you imagine the great food and wine there. . . oh I want to go!

I am still keeping my options way open as far as jobs. I e-mailed a cover letter and resume for an agency in the big city and they told let me know they got it so we'll wait. I applied today online for a job at a hospital back at home, we'll see if I hear anything from them. Just keeping the options open still of course. I'll keep everyone posted. . . of course.

Thats about all for now. . . life is always interesting and if mine isn't I just talk to my friends, haha!

Life.

So, life is going. . . time keeps passing and life keeps going like it always will. Right now though life has so many what ifs. . . I feel like I have been talking about all of this since I started my blog but these are still big issues in my life. I have better days than others about being okay with the what ifs or not being okay with them. . .I just have to keep trusting God, who has the plans. But that can be easy said than done, for example here are some of the thoughts going through my head lately. . .

I have started seriously considering what it would be like to move back in my parent's house with my brother there who I don't really get along with. Okay, those of you who know me well I am pretty independent and love it. . . so where in the hell is this coming from considering living with my parents again. Like a part of me goes that would be secure, stable, supportive, and I would be with my family. I love my parents and they love me plus its home. But at the same time I am like think about it when you go home after a couple of days you are ready to leave again, you can't stand it. Yes, how true. . . and if I moved back in there after a couple of days I couldn't leave to go somewhere else because there would be no where else! I love my family, but thinking it would be nice to live at home again. . . who am I fooling? I think some of this is that I don't know what I am doing after graduation yet and I don't know where my life is going and home sounds stable, safe, and secure. All of this is true. . .but its a cop-out for the real issue here. I don't want to face the fact in some small way that I am grown up and will be graduating from college. So I want to go home and have my parents take care of me again. Does everyone follow my thought process through this one?

Today I had classes all day and had one of those days like, "Why do I want to go into social work again?" My first class this morning we met at the VA Hospital for a field trip and learn about what social workers do there. I felt like it was a commorcial for the VA the whole time and the people were way to happy about thier jobs. They all acted like they love their jobs all the time and everything is great and they never have bad days! Please, its one thing to have a great job that you love, but its not reality to always be happy and cheery or even to feel that way! Plus, they only really hire MSWs so thats what they talked about mostly. Way to read the audience we are BSW students getting ready to graduate not MSW students.

But besides that I have a lot of stuff to do in the next couple of weeks for classes on top of practicum. Which by the way in my own unique ways I am enjoying it. I care for those kids a lot and love working with them as bad as they can be. I tell myself everyday that God is using me there in some way and I am making a difference even if its really small!

I am going home not this weekend but the next to get my haircut before I go to Miami and see my family at least once before graduation. I'll probably see them again before though but I don't know when. I found out this last week too that one of my good friends who goes to school in Dallas will be in the area too! Yeah, thats cool we will probably have dinner together and we have decided that we will try the Fishbowl then like we have been talking about for a while. The Fishbowl is a rather large drink for two at a coffee shop/bar, and we will have a driver with us. . .no worries! Yeah, I get to see her before we graduate. . . I have talked about her before on this blog. . . just a really good friend and cool girl!

Blogging will always be there.

Its no secret I love to blog and write about my life. . . so when I am not blogging I am usually journaling those days or doing both. Its like one of those things that helps me process my thoughts, get my feelings out, it is always there for me journaling or blogging and it is great! Blogging is in particulary fun in some ways because I can get comments, feedback, encouragement, questions, etc. from people about my post.

So, this week wind down (the highlights). . .
Sunday - went to a small group meeting that I am going to be in as part of the ministry I am involved in now. There were only 3 of us me and the two leaders. We prayed for like forty-five minutes it was awesome! I feel like I am going to have some real close friends with the guys, so thats awesome.
Tuesday - my small group decided to buy a cake and flowers and go over to a house of girls that are in the ministry and bless them on Valentine's morning. That worked out pretty cool, we got dressed up and ended up waking them all up except one slept through it. But hey we got pancakes out of the deal. Then I had practicum that day. In Lawrence later that afternoon though I went to Dillions to mail some stuff because I had to buy stamps. Well some guy backed into my car as I was exciting the parking lot. There isn't really any damage except marks on my car but I still got his information and its going to have to be fixed. Shucks!
Wednesday - Social Work Student Legislation Day in Topeka - I never want to go back to Topeka ever again! It scares me and the day was a waste of time - except for my group was good company and we ate at Olive Garden for lunch. Went to coffee/dinner with three Japanese students who wanted to hang out with me. THey are only here for a month and their English is basic, but it was fun we talked I wrote words down that sort of thing. They are very nice people! This helps me to see that my work with international students is not a total waste. That my passions do line up with how God uses me and sees maybe as strenghts the ability to communicate and help students learn English better.
Thursday - I had practicum. . . and that went okay. I care about those kids so much. . . and have to keep telling myself that God is using me there. I might not feel like I am being supported fully by the teachers and my field instructor. But I am being used there with those kids rather I see it or not and I am making a difference. Its just something I have to get through but this mind-set has changed my outlook a lot. Even if I don't feel like I am valued by others and the kids give me all the crap in the world. . .God has me there for a reason and is using me. This makes all the difference in the world for me!

Yep, it is my last semester of college, or at least for now and I am okay with that I guess. But I really don't want to leave yet. . .like I am okay with my future now because I know God is going to take care of me. That isn't the source of stress anymore its more of facing the facts that this is it for college! I am ready for the future whatever that may be, but I don't know how else to say but I am almost starting to go through feelings of loss that this part of my life is ending. I hope you see the difference between being okay with the future and ready for that now and not being stressed. To now almost feeling sad about finally reaching this healthy place.

By the way it started to turn bitterly cold again here on Thursday. Tonight its like 5 degrees outside with a wind chill of -13 F. Its freezing. . .kind of miserable. It makes me tired and not really interested in doing anything. I hate being cold and cold weather. . . I want to live in a nice Sunny temperate place all year around.

I went to Nation 2' Nation tonight. . . and that was okay. I always meet new and interesting people/students to talk to from all over the place. I feel connected at Nation 2 Nation, Midwest Ministries and Morning Star Church. I like them a lot, but I am constantly finding out since Guatemala I guess I realized it how long it takes to meet people and develop close friendships. I feel like I know a lot of people, but still I am not super close to anyone. The small group is going to help a lot. I am learning a lot about myself through all of this. . . that I need to trust God that much more with everything and rely on Him. But for example I don't know when it started hanging out with international students but I like physical contact with people. Be it a kiss on the cheek or both cheeks when you greet a woman, a handshake and a pat with a guy when you see him, more hugs from people, I don't know but I like that. I think all humans need to be touched, but for some reason that part of me has changed since being in college. Okay, so physical touch has nothing to do with what I was talking about with friendships, sorry! God is going to bless me in some amazing ways this semester I can feel it and am confident of this! It just takes time, prayer, and patience.

I think I am going to stop for now. . . besides this not a lot is new with me. I try to balance my blog as much as possible between events and whats happening and my own posts that are purely feelings mostly. I hope like this post for example has provided you with both and has given you a REAL glimpse into my life right now. That is as real as I can get or chose to express here.

Buenas Noches!

Dancing!

Yes, dancing. . . I went dancing last night in particular with a Latino flavor. Salsa, marengue, reggaton, rap you know all that fun stuff. Actually I happen to meet a girl at Nation 2'Nation last night from Plano Texas, but her parents are from Mexico. So of coure I was intrigured because she talks perfect Spanish and she was very pretty! She was with one of her friends from Cyprus, he was nice too but didn't really talk much I don't think. Well, as we were eating dinner she turned to me and goes, "do you like to dance? do you want to go dancing tonight?" I think I said something like maybe and she goes its a yes or no question, so what is it. . .I said yes of course. So, I met her there with her roomates (who were stuck up American girls) and they are freshman. YUCK, nothing worse than the typical college freshman girl who are ditzes. Okay I know its a stereotype and its not true in all cases but these girls just proved to me more last night why I don't really like American girls. These girls were rude and at the end were like together looking right at me and talking about me about who knows what. ..and I was like sorry I don't need this so I left early at about 1. I danced with the chica a lot last night but had to share her really with the guy from Cyprus. She is really good and somewhat of a good teacher. I am horrible, like I get all nervous and kind of freak out when I try to dance especially like that. But she had a way of making it more loose and comfortable and if I dare say it was kind of sexy! So I ended up enjoying the time at least when I was with her! And then when I decided to leave I stopped her before the next song started playing and she was going to dance with the other guy some more. I was very daring. . .but not really haha.. . I said you are a good dancer and a good teacher and kissed her on the cheek. SHOCKING, I know but she looked pleasantly suprised I thought. She said we'll go dancing every Friday night and she'll teach me because she loves to dance and has tons of energy! Umm. . . I am not sure what people are going to think of this post but if you think anything. . . think that I had fun and hope to have more fun dancing!

Spring Break in Miami!

I am so excited about going to Miami for Spring Break I cannot even began to explain the energuy in me just from thinking abou tit. I am going with three girls that I know pretty well and are good friends. We are staying in a suite hotel room in a fairly economic hotel on or where close to the beach! We booked the plane tickets and hotel room tonight for five nights six days in sunny hot Miami for Spring Break! It makes me think of the Will Smith song "Miami" that was popular in high school, I always liked it! My parents are so awesome too because my dad is like yeah we are going to pay for your part of the trip and I'll give you about $300 in cash for the week, WOOHOOO!!! So all that money that I have been saving and planning on having for the trip can go for more shopping money or just more money to save! I cannot wait. . .I wish I was going tomorrow but not for another five weeks or so!


By the way the lady in New Mexico about that job still has not called me back. Oh well, what can I do I have e-mailed her twice now with no response. I am hoping she is sick or on vacation or something and just forgot to tell me that because if not that is just flat out very rude!

Espanol!

Este semena ha pasado mas o menos bien. Estoy contento en este momento en mi vida porque Dios es bien. El Senor ya ha empazado hacer cosas en mi vida! Despues de yo de mi estres a El. . . yo solicite por un trabajo en Nuevo Mexico por e-mail. Yo mande una carta de presentacion y mi CV por un trabajo en un Center de salud Mental. Bueno, la proxima manana. . .una mujer mando a mi un e-mail que dijo: "Thank you for sending in your information about this job. I am very interested in talking to you about this position! Please let me know when we can set up a time to visit on the phone at the earliest convenience. Thanks!" Que bueno. . . todavia no he hablado con ella, pero estoy emocionado! Tambien mi padre me dijo que las personas que el cononce en Walmart y Tyson Chicken estan buscando mi CV este fin de semana. Si, pero no se si un trabajo en Walmart o Tyson Chicken seria bien para mi. . . yo usaria mi capacidad en trabajo social?

Anoche yo conoci una mujer es de Equador en Nation 2 Nation y sus ninos, pero no conoci su esposo porque el llego tarde. Me gusta Nation 2 Nation desde yo comence asistir el viernes pasado. Es divertido. . . hay estudiantes son de todos el partes del mundo, comida, y buena conversacion y juegos. Y si tengo suerte, yo puedo practicar mi espanol un poco.

Okay, hoy yo fui al supermarcado. . . siempre necesito comida. Es una contridicion pequena tambien porque usualmente no como bastante. Pienso que mi vista de mi cuerpo no es normal. Siempre pienso que debe ser mas flaco pero ya soy muy flaco.

Bueno, tambien yo encontre con mi amigo de Guatemala y su familia. Esta bien, pero mi espanol es mal. A menos me siento como mi espanol es horrible algunas veces despues placticamos. El esta muy ocupado. El esta trabajando en su tesis por un Ph.D y su familia. Es dificil muchas veces encontrar un equilibrio entre de clases y trabajo y familia. Nosotros tratamos de hacer mas cosas este semestre y mas que solamente placticar.

Okay, just a little disclaimer. . . I am not translating this if you can't read it. ANd for those of you who are Spanish speakers, I apologize to you too if you can't read or understand this. Hahah!

Everything is still okay, but. . .

My practicum has not been going so well for a while now, and today things escalated a bit with some of my fifth grade boys. In group counseling today with one group of fifth graders that started late. . . and went into the other groups's time. . . so one of the boys comes in for the next group and I told him not yet. Well, one of the other kids in his class is in the first group and these two don't like each other. He pretty much tried to go after the other one just to add already to the stress of everything right now going on. A lot of the kids in my groups have not been respecting me for a while now and it makes it really tough on me to get things done and is usually very frustrating because its not like I don't try. So we had a talk later today in the principal's office about my groups and the kids. Pretty much one of the boys has one more chance or he is going to a transitional center or juvenile hall. The fifth graders including him admitted they aren't respecting me and blah blah blah. The one "tough" fifth grader pretty much told the principal is that he acts out to impress the other kids and partly because I am not Hispanic. The group he is in is five Hispanic kids and myself, so apparently part of the lack of respect comes from some feelings of racaism including fronting me. They even go so far to speak Spanish in the group, which doesn't bother me so much, but they do it because they want either me not to understand or to see how well my Spanish is. And the sad part is that out of my seven groups five of them I feel like are out of control many times! This is very frustrating for me to lately either sending the kids one by one out of group to talk to my field instructor, or taking my whole group to get scolded by her, or having to get the principal involved. She is an awesome lady, but still how do you think it makes me feel when it seems like I can't control elementary school aged kids in group counseling? I don't know if its because I look like I can be walked all over because I am small or what and not really street tough looking, racaism attitudes that are taught in the streets or at home, or what. And just a side note I have never really felt that my safety is at risk in this school or really even thought about it with this age group until today. One of the kids in my groups today was talking about how the other one stabbed him with a pencil, etc. and that he wants to kill him. Then the other kid speaks up and is like yeah something needs to be done before he brings a knife or a gun. The principal is very upfront with the kids like there is not a lot of violence in this school because I am here. She tells the kids do you think you are the only one that has come here and tried to act tough. . . there will not be violence in my school! I hope not but the trend is that things are getting worse and I really don't want to be involved in some school violence incident. I hope Thursday goes better. . . with two of my worst groups the fourth grade boys (who usually show no respect) and then my second grade boys (who are just bratts). I am trying my best to not let all of this bother me and my field instructor is being pretty supportive and is going to work with me on some strategies. But she is tired of most of my kids showing no respect for me, and I wish I knew exactly whats going on?!

Estoy Bien, gracias.

Si, estoy bien ahora. . .estoy en un estado de traquilidad de conciencia mas que el semestre pasado. Que bueno que yo no estoy muy preocupado sobre mi vida despues de graduacion. . .gracias a Dios! He dado todo mi miedo y estres a Dios. . .y me siento mucho mejor y feliz con mi vidad. Bueno, bastante espanol, es horrible no?

But anyway this semester well actually started last semester I have switched campus ministries kind of abrubtly. . . while still trying to stay up with my friends from the other one of course. Its kind of hard, but I really like this new ministry and the friendships that I am creating there and how much I am growing with God! Its so exciting. . . Saturday I actually went to a small group leadership meeting even though I am not a leader of that group per say and that was totally awesome! God is doing a lot in my life lately. . . like through all of this telling me not to worry about whats going to happen after graduation and enjoy this last semester! What a burden off of me after fully realizing that and that He is going to take care of it! I can't tell you how much my mind set has changed since this revelation. . .just thought I would share!

Buenas Noches!

I am at home again. . .before my semester officially starts on Wednesday with classes. I am leaving early Tuesday morning, however, to make it to practicum at the elementary school. The kids (or my kids) have been little demons lately. Its like they suddenly lost all respect for me only as a person! This is a little bit frustrating if you can imagine especially when trying to work with boys in group counseling settings. Oh well. . .something is going down in that neighborhood and its pretty concerning.

Anyway, so I am at home and its been the expected time here, pretty good for the most part but with its moments of course. Its actually been very nice and pleasant it almost feels like a nice long weekend with the family or how Christmas break should have felt more. I am trying to relax and its going pretty well, but I still can't catch up with my sleep here because no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep a lot of the time. And when I do I have weird dreams or terrible quit real nightmares that freak me out about dying or waiting to dye or running away from something so I don't dye or watching other people dye. Some wise people have told me that death is usually a sign that you are at a crossroads in your life. Death usually symbolizes the end of something or the end of that part of your life this seems to make sense since I am graduating in May right and have no clear direction yet. I know everyone wanted to know all of that, but what can I say I like to get things out and let you all know whats up with me!

I almost done with reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. What an interesting thought provoking book, but long. I don't agree with a lot of the philosophy that comes out of the book but it definatley gives an interesting perspective on things. Like a discussion on what it really means, according to the book, to be selfious or selflous and which one is better. The characters are all very complicated and deep. . .I have been taking notes just for myself in the book the whole time I have been reading it. Interesting read to say the least that in a nutshell is about an architect.

Productivity = More Satisfaction with Life

So, I am realizing that through this week that the more productive I am through work and practicum the more satisfied and happy I am seem to be just in general. As a lot of you know I work for the Applied English Center on campus with international students. This will be my forth and final semester since I'll be graduating which makes me kind of sad. I love meeting people from other countries all over the world. As some of you know I have had a lot of fun times with international students through work and hanging out with them outside of work. Monday I got to hang out with a bunch of students from Paris here for three months. The students are here to work on their English of course and do a research project for the private business school they go to there, They all speak at least 3 languages. So, as you know there are a lot of stereotypes about Parisians which I have held at time to time. Some of these might include that they are very snobby and act better than everyone else, and going along with that they are rude. Well, this group included about 9 girls and 4 guys, but only 3 on Monday. They were actually very nice. I got to talk to them and talk about fun stuff during lunch and while taking them downtown and around campus and Target. I have learned that when working with people from France or through my friends from France that it is a given they will always talk in French together. We might see this as rude to do in front of Americans but to them it isn't, so you kind of have to just look past this for the most part. It was a good day for the most part, no thanks to the other conversation leader who was supposedly in charge. But thats okay I had fun meeting and talking to the Parisians!

Other than that I have been just doing some office work in the AEC for the groups and stuff. Classes start for me next Wednesday and then conversation groups start the next week. I am hoping to maybe hang out with my new friends from Paris sometime though before they leave.

My practicum is also going somewhat better this semester but with new challenges. We are going to tackle issues such as racism, forgiveness, fighting, etc. in group counseling this semester, I think I have said this. But its starting to come together and my field instructor is being more productive. I am hoping to really make an impact this semester, or even more than last semester.

The job hunt is going. . . I sent an my resume and a cover letter for a position in California. But I don't know if I'll hear anything. . .still keeping the options open and looking around.

I have seen some interesting movies lately too. . .including Y Tu Mama Tambien
(its hard to get think about that movie still without sex), Vengo (I liked this one a lot), and Munich (interesting, and good, but long).

Thats all for now!

That was beautiful man. . .

I just wanted to write after my friend, Quijote posted in his blog a beautiful inspiring post. Okay, really don't take me too seriously here okay, but the story in there was just so vivid and original, it blew me away!

I am glad he is content and ready to start his next semester of grad school! That makes me happy to know that my friends and family are happy and okay with life. I on the other hand am still trying to figure out what the crap is going on and will happen in my life! I am pretty much to the crossroads, a major milestone if you would like to call it that of graduating from college in May with an undergraduate degree in social work. I know many of you are thinking I hope he didn't go into that thinking he was going to be one rich dude who helps people. I mean you are right about wanting to help people and all of that, but the money thing. . . I know. And some of you who read this might think to yourself, "hey hombre guapo comes from an upper class background doesn't he? His parents have money, he'll be fine for the rest of his life because the parents will always help him." Personally at times I resent and hate this aspect of knowing this that makes me who I am and at other times I am like its a nice safety net. Part of me wants to completely be independent of my parents and not to have to need them. To show that you can live life and be happy without a lot of money or fancy material possessions. But then another part is like look at yourself, you like nice stuff, you have nice stuff. Is that going to change because I want it to or because it will have to? I cannot change how I was brought up and how that affects my taste from food, to clothes, to whatever else I prefer. There are a lot of other issues that accompany my relationship to my immediate family that I care not to get into here, but some of it stems from this.

The job search or being any closer to where I am going to be or doing after graduation has gone really no where as of now. I am trying to stay optimistic there is time. . .and once I do get hired somewhere I have a lot to offer and am a hard worker so I am going to be a great wherever I am. But at the same time I am like the clock is ticking and I don't want to move in with my parents ever again. . .that might cause depression and suicidal thoughts. No not really I love my parents and they love me, but at the same time I was somewhat serious. If I don't get a job right away I want to be either traveling the world somewhere have deep life discoveries about the world and who I am or working somewhere full time (may be it Target) and living independently.

So, I've been back up here at school since last week because thats when practicum started. I am definately more optimistic and ready to go this semester than the last one. My field instructor is actually doing better at helping me and the other student. Our goal is to think of good topics for group, be organized, and to make a difference in these kids lives. We feel like we have a great chance to do this through grop and takling issues such as race, fighting, forgiveness, what a normal kid is (there isn't a normal) that sort of stuff, but keeping it upbeat. You know I got to do it and will get through it at times, but have to keep in mind that I could be helping kids to make good choices and feel better about themselves too!

I think I'll end on that positive point!

2006. . .it has started!

Yes, New Years was good for those of you wondering. I went to my friend's parent's house about an hour away to spend New Years there. I got there in time for a great dinner, good eats! Then we went to a party at another house I guess friend's of the family. Wine, brandy alexanders, and awful champagne type stuff from Missouri at 11 for New York's New Years. That was fun had a good time with my friend and her family and meeting some of their friends. I also ate a lot of chocolate, which was good I guess. We then went back to her house and originally were going to have a bonfire but it was cold, and we were really tired (I wasn't) and plus its really dry right now we didn't want to catch the town on fire. Then we sat on the couch and did a little talking nothing too exciting and then my friend opened the bottle of real champagne from France. We drunk that at midnight and let me tell you that was good stuff! Anyway, then we turned on the TV and watched that for a while my friend fell alseep on the couch with the TV on and everyone else went to bed. I was dazed and didn't know where the bedroom was that I was going to sleep in and I didn't want to wake her up. So, I layed down on the wood floor and was going to make the best of it that night. She did wake-up though and was like what are you doing? It worked out, but I didn't sleep that well anyway.

The next morning we went to church. My friend sang a beautiful song that she wrote the lyrics to and the music for that she played on the piano. It was about being captured by God's grace and mercy and good stuff like that. It was really breathtaking to listen to, so good! She really needs to copyright and record it!

After church we went to my friend's grandparents house for a huge New Years dAY party and feast all day. We left about 5 o'clock after we were vegetables. We ate steak soup, asparagus rolls, apple dumplings, eclairs, coffee with Baileys. All the great stuff! But actaully it was kind of boring my friend fell asleep on the couch for hours, I did too and the rest of time we were content just sitting and staring at the TV. We went back and I left, but they wanted me to stay another night. So, yes I like how I started off 2006!

New Year's Eve. . .PARTY!

Yes, its New Year's Eve and I won't be partying downtown at the pub crawl or bar hop whatever they call that event. I will hopefully be going to be my friend's house tonight for New Year's that is if she calls. . .I might have to call her. I had lunch with her one day this week and she said she bought a bottle of good champagne and then asked if I had plans for New Years. I was like "I am there!" I'll be spending the night there tonight, so no one worry I don't drive.

Wow! Its 2006 pretty much. . .it seems so futuristic. I think it will sound really futurisitic when we start saying 20a11 or 2020. Anyway, 2005 has been a pretty good year for me. I had an awesome junior year of college, went to Guatemala, and started my senior year getting ready to graduate! I am sure I could be more deep and philosophical about the year 2005. . .but I am not sure if I really want to. I have grown and changed a lot I think this last year on many levels. Yeah, I don't know but I think if you know me and we talk, or you got my e-mails from Guatemala, and you read my blog you know this.

I saw the movie Walk The Line last night with my parents. Its the movie about Johnny Cash. . .and let me tell you I knew nada about the man until last night. I only knew one song to the one where its like Burn Burn Burn. . .you know that he didn't even write. June Carter wrote that who became his wife later on. Anyway, I have a greater appreciation for the man and the music. But in general I think I usually become more appreciative of a person after I know their story.

Okay thats about it for now. . .sorry this one was a bit boring probably.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!