Crazy like an Eerie Circus Clown.

Yeah, thats me. . . it has got to be that wacko. At this rate I am heading towards a mental breakdown by graduation! (Everyone please let me know when this works with everyone's schedules so you can all come and visit me at the hospital.) Sometimes I just wish everything and everyone arounnd me would just stop and leave me to breath, relax, and catch up. This stage right now in my life seems to be the most demanding, challenging, and scary all at once and somehow I have got to survive and make it through it. Which I will, not sure if I'll be sane by the end. . . but really what is sane? I have to keep trusting God and realize He wants the best for me in life, He doesn't want to cause more harm or pain than what I already put on myself. haha! Maybe this paragraph is a little bit dramatic. . . which I am sure it is but it sure can feel like that sometimes.

So, this weekend I went home. . . well I did Saturday morning and left again today (Monday morning) it was a very fast trip! I really wanted to stay for a couple of more days to relax, but once again life is too demanding right now. I got my haircut and saw the family. The family is doing okay and it was good to see them and hang out with them. Family is becoming more and more important to me in my life as I get older is this common or just part of my craziness?

I was supposed to hang out with my friend from Dallas. . . and we talked several times on the phone. I thought she was going to come over to my house and watch the Oscars with my family. But she is very undecisive and a lot of things going on. . . we talked for about twenty minutes through her undecisveness until I thought I had her coming. Saying things like, "Just come, I would really like to see you, you know that" of course many times to prove the point. Well she ended up calling her mom and she reminded her saying that she was at home for her dad's birthday today (I can't argue with that). So, she didn't come. Well, we had a backup plan that we agreed on to have breakfast this morning in my town whcih she wanted. But then she had to take her car to the shop this morning in her town, so we agreed that I would leave home earlier to meet her up in her town for breakfast. Okay, so this morning I drove up to see her and we had coffee and a muffin and talked for about forty-five minutes. So, we talked and she apologized for being a bad friend about this weekend and all. She talked about how I can always follow her to Florida after graduation, etc. talked about stuff you know. We are going to hang out Friday of Easter weekend. She values our friendship, I can tell that and wants to hang out. But to be honest with you I still like her after a long friendship with a history of dating/hanging out and have had a couple of talks in the past about us. But lately I have felt like she is thinking differently about us or doesn't know what she wants or maybe I have been hanging out with her too much. Maybe its both of our faults for letting the friendship grtow too close or something. So, I left her town this morning feeling like I am about to burst soon if I don't tell her how I feel again and find out how she feels. But I don't want to ruin the friendship. But still I had all these crazy ideas about what to do. . . like get her address and send her the DVD Pride and Prejudice because we saw it together with a box of browny mix in the mail. Then send her some other things, etc. for her to get the picture. I was even praying for God to let me know and maybe my feelings and what I want took over way too prematurely on the way back up. I am out of things to say (and if she reads this, which I don't think she does I really don't care.) But then after thinking, thinking, I completely opened up to another friend that shall reamain nameless too via computer. Pretty much maybe she was more of a voice of reason. . . finally got her to state her opinion. . .don't do anything or say anything. "It sounds like you have got a good friendship going, its been a long time, and maybe you should move on." Yes, so I don't think I am going to do anything about it and let time move on especially as it will move on at a completely different and faster speed after graduation I am sure. But I have to say it hurts, and it kind of hurts pretty bad right now. I don't know. . . but right now I feel like a fool and an idiot for lettting myself go this far. One way love is horrible, it isn't even real love because real love goes both ways; you love the person and the person loves you. FRIENDSHIP. . . its hard to find good honest friends so I need to count the blessings I guess and just roll with it for however long this one continues, hopefully for life. It hurts, but maybe this is finally the turning point I need to maybe move on for good or maybe not, and I'll continue to be a big fat loser!

Yeah, and Related tonight one of the shows I like to watch at the current time did not help me feel any better tonight. The sad part is that I can relate to some of the characters in some miniscule ways, which definately did not help tonight. Oh well

But yeah did I mention that life is crazy busy too. . . not necessarily with school but work, practicum, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Everything seems to be magnified 100X this semester and its awful! A little disclaimer by the way I don't care who reads my blog or who you are, but it remains okay as long as everything remains absolutely anonymous even in your posts or comments. I do not mind being completely honest here because I see it as my testimony to who I am and my life and its real. I hope everything will respect that and also on a lighter note uses it to keep up with me since I can't talk to you all individually everyday.