Ups and Downs.

So, this week has felt like riding a roller-coaster in some ways. . . I am not sure if I can really explain it, but I can try by going through a synapsis of the week day by day.

Monday
I had two conversation groups, a one-on-one English tutorial time with a young man from China, and a conversation class with students from Sauida Arabia at a basic English level. And in the middle of all of that I had lunch with my friend from Costa Rica and todo fue en espanol. But I love my job with the Applied English Center and doing what I do with international students. But in my last time slot of the day at 3:00-3:50 is my conversation class with the Saudis. Let me tell you I was tired physically and more importantly my mind was exhausted from all the thinking in language stuff. Well, on top of that it was basic English, slow talking all of those things and in the middle of talking with them I somehow zoned out. I was trying to explain some basic concept and then some others were talking in Arabic at the same time to explain the concept too. Well, somehow in all of this mess my mind said, "No More!" and completely went somewhere else for a second. Like I was all the way out, I had the dazed and confused look on my face, I am sure they thought something went a little cuckoo up there in the head! But at the same time all of my work with international students is very rewarding. . . they all are very friendly and thankful which tends to help you think, "yes maybe I am actually helping them in some small way."

My dad told me on the phone this night that he thinks I am making a mistake by not going to get my masters right away. Which I kind of knew thats how he felt, but if he thought I would change my mind its a little late for that now to go to school somewhere next year. GRRR!

Tuesday
I had practicum of course with my kiddos in the elementary school. The day just flew by because the whole time I was working with the kids, or in some form within direct contact with people. Which is the best in my opinion. . . the paperwork is the part Icould do without sometimes, but its important nonetheless. I had four groups and this week all we did was read a book about telling the truth and talked about it. One of my kids on Tuesday signed his name with a nickname and ended up taking this issue to the principal's office becuase it was kind of gang looking related and we don't tolerate it. The situation with him is kind of sad, because he likes me I can tell but in front of everyone else because of what he has been taught he can't like me. Part of it is because I am not Hispanic. . . which is a racist attitude which he admits to that he is like this sometimes. And he is only in fifth grade! Then my individual time with a kid that I meet with after school in fourth grade brought back the notebook I gave him the week before. The purpose of the notebook is to create a better communication system with the mom since she only knows Spanish and doesn't really say much to me anyway. Well, she did it and I could read it for the most part but her written Spanish is horrible! The grammar, mispelled words and words stuck together thatare not supposed to be like in this sentence, or words that have huge spaces in the mi ddle of them. Why am I not suprised and I just have to look at this as a strength still that the mother is willing to try this with me. I didn't eat lunch on this day.

Tuesday night I went with three of the Japanese students that I know from Kanagawra out to eat. They are a group that is here for a week and actually leave early tomorrow morning. But we went to eat at a Steak place and I ate all of this huge meal and of course they didn't eat all of it. I felt like a pig! Then we went to Best Buy becuase they wanted to go. . . I ended up buying two DVDs; The Constant Gardener, and Spirited Away a Japanese anime movie that is supposed to be good. I have never watched anime in my life. . . so we'll see when I get the time to watch it. It was a good night as usual with them talking and helping them with their English.

After this I called my friend in Massachusetts who called me earlier when I was busy. We talked and he is doing a lot better, which is good to hear but still hates Massachusetts his home state. They (him and my other good friend) are going to probably move back to the area this summer after they get married. We talked about everything in his life, how my life is going. . . talked about my futrure and how I don't know whats going to happen, but I am okay and all of that. Then we talked about the wedding coming up and how I am going to get there and the details and all of that stuff and that was a bit confusing. So needless to say after that conversation I felt very overwhelmed and anxious, but not becuase of him or what he said but what it triggered in me. All of those what if questions and thinking about the future. . . I am still dealing as you can see. And I had to finish a paper that night and it was already like 10:30 for my class at 8 in the morning. That paper was coming up with a group plan to be implemented in a VA setting, but other than that I had to create everything else. It was challenging but I finished it, but not before another person called me in the BSW Student Group. I am a co-director of communications and she is the other co-director to remind me about the meeting on Wednesday night and say that she would be turning in her resignation letter. Well, there is a lot of work this semester as far as that, so I was like great timing and felt even more overwhelmed. Somehow I finished the paper and was not anywhere close to sleeping, but my mind was crazy and done. It seemed like everything was too much and coming at me way too fast! THEN. .. there is an e-mail in my indbox from my teacher in the morning class saying that class is cancelled! Praise God! But she cancelled it because her two year old daughter is really sick with a retrovirus probably and was in and out of the hospital for tests and such. I hope her daughter is doing better now! Then I finally went to bed. . .

Wednesday
Didn't get out of bed until like 10 in the morning and somehow still managed to be late for the 12:30 class. But that morning was such a time for me to think and get things clear and somewhat back to normal and that was amazing! I was also called that morning by an agency that I applied for a case management position in the nearby metro. area to set-up an interview. Its on Monday April 3. Its not exactly my dream job working as a case manager in the foster care system, but I love kids and you have to start somewhere right? Its kind of exciting. . .that this could be the job to get things started and its close by. . . which is practical for now I guess.

My policy class we watched the movie Store Wars about Walmart and its cooperation. I kind of decided that for moral and ethical reasons I am not about to take any job for that company even if its the best job/offer I get. My last class, Ethics was boring as usual I like the teacher but its so late in the day and we all are seniors in our last semester, Hello! Then I went to the meeting and earlier that day my co-director of communication told me to forget the conversation from the night before, Halleluah! God was really helping me out here. . . and that just assured me in more that I need to trust Him and go to Him like I did earlier that morning and then He'll take care of stuff! Amen! That was that day in a nut shell

I also watched The Constant Gardener later that night. . . and let me tell you I liked that movie. It is about Africa, big pharmacetical companies, spying, and murder. It was excellent and is deep and challenges people's mind-sets about Africa, drug companies, political things. Thats the kind of movie I like!

Thursday
Practicum again, and nothing huge or big to talk about really there. They had the Black History Month programs that morning and the kids did well. I cannot take my fourth grade boys group anymore, and its soley becaue two out of the six totally change the dynamics of it in a negative way when they happen to be there! GRRR!

Then later that night I went to a Better Than Ezra concert with some friends. That was fun, but I was tired after that of course from standing on my feet the whole time and couldn't hear much because of the volume.

Friday
This morning I had two conversation classes with a new group of Japanese Students from Meikai University. They were all very nice and talkative and seemed to like me of course. I had fun, and I like Japanese students in general. Then I read the New York Times a bit and went to lunch with a friend. Then had to be back for a conversation group at 1:00 which was kind of fun, we played pictionary today and the other leader is cool but kind of crazy sometimes. I like her, but I don't know sometimes I feel like its just "Its Friday lets half-ass it!" Then I went to a bookstore with the same friend I went to lunch with after that and bought a book called The Heavenly Man, its about the remarkable true story of Chinese Christian Brother Yun. ANd I have to say its really good so far! Then I came back here to pack before I go home in the morning and made my bed and walked the dog. Everyday things that needed to be done.

Then I went to dinner with my conversation partner from China at around 5 and ate a ton. We had a good conversation and really value my close friendship with him in many ways. Then I had to be at a place on campus or very close to campus for the AEC farewell party for the Kanagawra students from Japan. Which made me sad and they were all sad. . . but it was fun too talking and taking pictures with them and watching the slide show. ANd of course good eats, after I ate too much at dinner. Then about 10:00 I went with another Japanese students who attended the party too to go to Nation 2'Nation. We talked about Christianity on the way there which was awesome because I got to share a little about about what my faith is and stuff. She isn't really a Christian yet she doesn't think, but goes to church, the Bible Study, etc.,etc. It was pretty cool, but she is already pretty open about religion and stuff. But I think she needs to hear it from as many Christians as possible. Nation 2'Nation was fun of course, and then I learned how to play Spades later. I left there about midnight. . . oh so late!

And I am going to try to leave in the morning no later than 8 or 8:30 for home for a couple of days until Monday morning.

SO MUCH!

Life happens between Posts.

I am not sure what to catch everyone up on. But more and more I know God is telling me this semester that I made the right decision about switching campus ministries and everything that has to go with that. And no one read this and freak out becuase you think somehow I am brainwashed into something strange. . . no its nothing like that its just experiencing and growing in my relationship with God like He wants! For example, the small group that I am in met for only its third time this semester and I don't know if it was only me but it was one of the most open and honest groups I have ever been to. Wow, I am amazed that I felt so comfortable and opened up like I did. . . but it was sweet! I really feel connected with everyone.

On a completely different lighter subject I am going to miss watching the Olympics from Italy! I was I was there and could've seen it. Some images I would have liked to have seen in person would be the Opening Ceromonies and Pavorroti singing at the very end! WOW! I would have liked to watch the ski jumping I am always amazed to see how high they get an how far they go. I would also have liked to seen some of the cross-country skiing races it reminds me of my cross-country days but on a whole different level! Of course the figure skating events, in particular the women the Japanese girl that won, the pair figure skating where the AMerican cojple landed the first throw triple axle. And the ice-dancing all the drama that went with that this year. The Americans winning the silver medal, and the Italian couple that were so mad and bitter towards each other and then at the end were crying and kissing. It would have been like watching a mini soap opera I think at the Olympics. Sounds like my life! And the closing ceromonies, and can you imagine the great food and wine there. . . oh I want to go!

I am still keeping my options way open as far as jobs. I e-mailed a cover letter and resume for an agency in the big city and they told let me know they got it so we'll wait. I applied today online for a job at a hospital back at home, we'll see if I hear anything from them. Just keeping the options open still of course. I'll keep everyone posted. . . of course.

Thats about all for now. . . life is always interesting and if mine isn't I just talk to my friends, haha!

Life.

So, life is going. . . time keeps passing and life keeps going like it always will. Right now though life has so many what ifs. . . I feel like I have been talking about all of this since I started my blog but these are still big issues in my life. I have better days than others about being okay with the what ifs or not being okay with them. . .I just have to keep trusting God, who has the plans. But that can be easy said than done, for example here are some of the thoughts going through my head lately. . .

I have started seriously considering what it would be like to move back in my parent's house with my brother there who I don't really get along with. Okay, those of you who know me well I am pretty independent and love it. . . so where in the hell is this coming from considering living with my parents again. Like a part of me goes that would be secure, stable, supportive, and I would be with my family. I love my parents and they love me plus its home. But at the same time I am like think about it when you go home after a couple of days you are ready to leave again, you can't stand it. Yes, how true. . . and if I moved back in there after a couple of days I couldn't leave to go somewhere else because there would be no where else! I love my family, but thinking it would be nice to live at home again. . . who am I fooling? I think some of this is that I don't know what I am doing after graduation yet and I don't know where my life is going and home sounds stable, safe, and secure. All of this is true. . .but its a cop-out for the real issue here. I don't want to face the fact in some small way that I am grown up and will be graduating from college. So I want to go home and have my parents take care of me again. Does everyone follow my thought process through this one?

Today I had classes all day and had one of those days like, "Why do I want to go into social work again?" My first class this morning we met at the VA Hospital for a field trip and learn about what social workers do there. I felt like it was a commorcial for the VA the whole time and the people were way to happy about thier jobs. They all acted like they love their jobs all the time and everything is great and they never have bad days! Please, its one thing to have a great job that you love, but its not reality to always be happy and cheery or even to feel that way! Plus, they only really hire MSWs so thats what they talked about mostly. Way to read the audience we are BSW students getting ready to graduate not MSW students.

But besides that I have a lot of stuff to do in the next couple of weeks for classes on top of practicum. Which by the way in my own unique ways I am enjoying it. I care for those kids a lot and love working with them as bad as they can be. I tell myself everyday that God is using me there in some way and I am making a difference even if its really small!

I am going home not this weekend but the next to get my haircut before I go to Miami and see my family at least once before graduation. I'll probably see them again before though but I don't know when. I found out this last week too that one of my good friends who goes to school in Dallas will be in the area too! Yeah, thats cool we will probably have dinner together and we have decided that we will try the Fishbowl then like we have been talking about for a while. The Fishbowl is a rather large drink for two at a coffee shop/bar, and we will have a driver with us. . .no worries! Yeah, I get to see her before we graduate. . . I have talked about her before on this blog. . . just a really good friend and cool girl!

Blogging will always be there.

Its no secret I love to blog and write about my life. . . so when I am not blogging I am usually journaling those days or doing both. Its like one of those things that helps me process my thoughts, get my feelings out, it is always there for me journaling or blogging and it is great! Blogging is in particulary fun in some ways because I can get comments, feedback, encouragement, questions, etc. from people about my post.

So, this week wind down (the highlights). . .
Sunday - went to a small group meeting that I am going to be in as part of the ministry I am involved in now. There were only 3 of us me and the two leaders. We prayed for like forty-five minutes it was awesome! I feel like I am going to have some real close friends with the guys, so thats awesome.
Tuesday - my small group decided to buy a cake and flowers and go over to a house of girls that are in the ministry and bless them on Valentine's morning. That worked out pretty cool, we got dressed up and ended up waking them all up except one slept through it. But hey we got pancakes out of the deal. Then I had practicum that day. In Lawrence later that afternoon though I went to Dillions to mail some stuff because I had to buy stamps. Well some guy backed into my car as I was exciting the parking lot. There isn't really any damage except marks on my car but I still got his information and its going to have to be fixed. Shucks!
Wednesday - Social Work Student Legislation Day in Topeka - I never want to go back to Topeka ever again! It scares me and the day was a waste of time - except for my group was good company and we ate at Olive Garden for lunch. Went to coffee/dinner with three Japanese students who wanted to hang out with me. THey are only here for a month and their English is basic, but it was fun we talked I wrote words down that sort of thing. They are very nice people! This helps me to see that my work with international students is not a total waste. That my passions do line up with how God uses me and sees maybe as strenghts the ability to communicate and help students learn English better.
Thursday - I had practicum. . . and that went okay. I care about those kids so much. . . and have to keep telling myself that God is using me there. I might not feel like I am being supported fully by the teachers and my field instructor. But I am being used there with those kids rather I see it or not and I am making a difference. Its just something I have to get through but this mind-set has changed my outlook a lot. Even if I don't feel like I am valued by others and the kids give me all the crap in the world. . .God has me there for a reason and is using me. This makes all the difference in the world for me!

Yep, it is my last semester of college, or at least for now and I am okay with that I guess. But I really don't want to leave yet. . .like I am okay with my future now because I know God is going to take care of me. That isn't the source of stress anymore its more of facing the facts that this is it for college! I am ready for the future whatever that may be, but I don't know how else to say but I am almost starting to go through feelings of loss that this part of my life is ending. I hope you see the difference between being okay with the future and ready for that now and not being stressed. To now almost feeling sad about finally reaching this healthy place.

By the way it started to turn bitterly cold again here on Thursday. Tonight its like 5 degrees outside with a wind chill of -13 F. Its freezing. . .kind of miserable. It makes me tired and not really interested in doing anything. I hate being cold and cold weather. . . I want to live in a nice Sunny temperate place all year around.

I went to Nation 2' Nation tonight. . . and that was okay. I always meet new and interesting people/students to talk to from all over the place. I feel connected at Nation 2 Nation, Midwest Ministries and Morning Star Church. I like them a lot, but I am constantly finding out since Guatemala I guess I realized it how long it takes to meet people and develop close friendships. I feel like I know a lot of people, but still I am not super close to anyone. The small group is going to help a lot. I am learning a lot about myself through all of this. . . that I need to trust God that much more with everything and rely on Him. But for example I don't know when it started hanging out with international students but I like physical contact with people. Be it a kiss on the cheek or both cheeks when you greet a woman, a handshake and a pat with a guy when you see him, more hugs from people, I don't know but I like that. I think all humans need to be touched, but for some reason that part of me has changed since being in college. Okay, so physical touch has nothing to do with what I was talking about with friendships, sorry! God is going to bless me in some amazing ways this semester I can feel it and am confident of this! It just takes time, prayer, and patience.

I think I am going to stop for now. . . besides this not a lot is new with me. I try to balance my blog as much as possible between events and whats happening and my own posts that are purely feelings mostly. I hope like this post for example has provided you with both and has given you a REAL glimpse into my life right now. That is as real as I can get or chose to express here.

Buenas Noches!

Dancing!

Yes, dancing. . . I went dancing last night in particular with a Latino flavor. Salsa, marengue, reggaton, rap you know all that fun stuff. Actually I happen to meet a girl at Nation 2'Nation last night from Plano Texas, but her parents are from Mexico. So of coure I was intrigured because she talks perfect Spanish and she was very pretty! She was with one of her friends from Cyprus, he was nice too but didn't really talk much I don't think. Well, as we were eating dinner she turned to me and goes, "do you like to dance? do you want to go dancing tonight?" I think I said something like maybe and she goes its a yes or no question, so what is it. . .I said yes of course. So, I met her there with her roomates (who were stuck up American girls) and they are freshman. YUCK, nothing worse than the typical college freshman girl who are ditzes. Okay I know its a stereotype and its not true in all cases but these girls just proved to me more last night why I don't really like American girls. These girls were rude and at the end were like together looking right at me and talking about me about who knows what. ..and I was like sorry I don't need this so I left early at about 1. I danced with the chica a lot last night but had to share her really with the guy from Cyprus. She is really good and somewhat of a good teacher. I am horrible, like I get all nervous and kind of freak out when I try to dance especially like that. But she had a way of making it more loose and comfortable and if I dare say it was kind of sexy! So I ended up enjoying the time at least when I was with her! And then when I decided to leave I stopped her before the next song started playing and she was going to dance with the other guy some more. I was very daring. . .but not really haha.. . I said you are a good dancer and a good teacher and kissed her on the cheek. SHOCKING, I know but she looked pleasantly suprised I thought. She said we'll go dancing every Friday night and she'll teach me because she loves to dance and has tons of energy! Umm. . . I am not sure what people are going to think of this post but if you think anything. . . think that I had fun and hope to have more fun dancing!

Spring Break in Miami!

I am so excited about going to Miami for Spring Break I cannot even began to explain the energuy in me just from thinking abou tit. I am going with three girls that I know pretty well and are good friends. We are staying in a suite hotel room in a fairly economic hotel on or where close to the beach! We booked the plane tickets and hotel room tonight for five nights six days in sunny hot Miami for Spring Break! It makes me think of the Will Smith song "Miami" that was popular in high school, I always liked it! My parents are so awesome too because my dad is like yeah we are going to pay for your part of the trip and I'll give you about $300 in cash for the week, WOOHOOO!!! So all that money that I have been saving and planning on having for the trip can go for more shopping money or just more money to save! I cannot wait. . .I wish I was going tomorrow but not for another five weeks or so!


By the way the lady in New Mexico about that job still has not called me back. Oh well, what can I do I have e-mailed her twice now with no response. I am hoping she is sick or on vacation or something and just forgot to tell me that because if not that is just flat out very rude!

Espanol!

Este semena ha pasado mas o menos bien. Estoy contento en este momento en mi vida porque Dios es bien. El Senor ya ha empazado hacer cosas en mi vida! Despues de yo de mi estres a El. . . yo solicite por un trabajo en Nuevo Mexico por e-mail. Yo mande una carta de presentacion y mi CV por un trabajo en un Center de salud Mental. Bueno, la proxima manana. . .una mujer mando a mi un e-mail que dijo: "Thank you for sending in your information about this job. I am very interested in talking to you about this position! Please let me know when we can set up a time to visit on the phone at the earliest convenience. Thanks!" Que bueno. . . todavia no he hablado con ella, pero estoy emocionado! Tambien mi padre me dijo que las personas que el cononce en Walmart y Tyson Chicken estan buscando mi CV este fin de semana. Si, pero no se si un trabajo en Walmart o Tyson Chicken seria bien para mi. . . yo usaria mi capacidad en trabajo social?

Anoche yo conoci una mujer es de Equador en Nation 2 Nation y sus ninos, pero no conoci su esposo porque el llego tarde. Me gusta Nation 2 Nation desde yo comence asistir el viernes pasado. Es divertido. . . hay estudiantes son de todos el partes del mundo, comida, y buena conversacion y juegos. Y si tengo suerte, yo puedo practicar mi espanol un poco.

Okay, hoy yo fui al supermarcado. . . siempre necesito comida. Es una contridicion pequena tambien porque usualmente no como bastante. Pienso que mi vista de mi cuerpo no es normal. Siempre pienso que debe ser mas flaco pero ya soy muy flaco.

Bueno, tambien yo encontre con mi amigo de Guatemala y su familia. Esta bien, pero mi espanol es mal. A menos me siento como mi espanol es horrible algunas veces despues placticamos. El esta muy ocupado. El esta trabajando en su tesis por un Ph.D y su familia. Es dificil muchas veces encontrar un equilibrio entre de clases y trabajo y familia. Nosotros tratamos de hacer mas cosas este semestre y mas que solamente placticar.

Okay, just a little disclaimer. . . I am not translating this if you can't read it. ANd for those of you who are Spanish speakers, I apologize to you too if you can't read or understand this. Hahah!

Everything is still okay, but. . .

My practicum has not been going so well for a while now, and today things escalated a bit with some of my fifth grade boys. In group counseling today with one group of fifth graders that started late. . . and went into the other groups's time. . . so one of the boys comes in for the next group and I told him not yet. Well, one of the other kids in his class is in the first group and these two don't like each other. He pretty much tried to go after the other one just to add already to the stress of everything right now going on. A lot of the kids in my groups have not been respecting me for a while now and it makes it really tough on me to get things done and is usually very frustrating because its not like I don't try. So we had a talk later today in the principal's office about my groups and the kids. Pretty much one of the boys has one more chance or he is going to a transitional center or juvenile hall. The fifth graders including him admitted they aren't respecting me and blah blah blah. The one "tough" fifth grader pretty much told the principal is that he acts out to impress the other kids and partly because I am not Hispanic. The group he is in is five Hispanic kids and myself, so apparently part of the lack of respect comes from some feelings of racaism including fronting me. They even go so far to speak Spanish in the group, which doesn't bother me so much, but they do it because they want either me not to understand or to see how well my Spanish is. And the sad part is that out of my seven groups five of them I feel like are out of control many times! This is very frustrating for me to lately either sending the kids one by one out of group to talk to my field instructor, or taking my whole group to get scolded by her, or having to get the principal involved. She is an awesome lady, but still how do you think it makes me feel when it seems like I can't control elementary school aged kids in group counseling? I don't know if its because I look like I can be walked all over because I am small or what and not really street tough looking, racaism attitudes that are taught in the streets or at home, or what. And just a side note I have never really felt that my safety is at risk in this school or really even thought about it with this age group until today. One of the kids in my groups today was talking about how the other one stabbed him with a pencil, etc. and that he wants to kill him. Then the other kid speaks up and is like yeah something needs to be done before he brings a knife or a gun. The principal is very upfront with the kids like there is not a lot of violence in this school because I am here. She tells the kids do you think you are the only one that has come here and tried to act tough. . . there will not be violence in my school! I hope not but the trend is that things are getting worse and I really don't want to be involved in some school violence incident. I hope Thursday goes better. . . with two of my worst groups the fourth grade boys (who usually show no respect) and then my second grade boys (who are just bratts). I am trying my best to not let all of this bother me and my field instructor is being pretty supportive and is going to work with me on some strategies. But she is tired of most of my kids showing no respect for me, and I wish I knew exactly whats going on?!

Estoy Bien, gracias.

Si, estoy bien ahora. . .estoy en un estado de traquilidad de conciencia mas que el semestre pasado. Que bueno que yo no estoy muy preocupado sobre mi vida despues de graduacion. . .gracias a Dios! He dado todo mi miedo y estres a Dios. . .y me siento mucho mejor y feliz con mi vidad. Bueno, bastante espanol, es horrible no?

But anyway this semester well actually started last semester I have switched campus ministries kind of abrubtly. . . while still trying to stay up with my friends from the other one of course. Its kind of hard, but I really like this new ministry and the friendships that I am creating there and how much I am growing with God! Its so exciting. . . Saturday I actually went to a small group leadership meeting even though I am not a leader of that group per say and that was totally awesome! God is doing a lot in my life lately. . . like through all of this telling me not to worry about whats going to happen after graduation and enjoy this last semester! What a burden off of me after fully realizing that and that He is going to take care of it! I can't tell you how much my mind set has changed since this revelation. . .just thought I would share!

Buenas Noches!

I am at home again. . .before my semester officially starts on Wednesday with classes. I am leaving early Tuesday morning, however, to make it to practicum at the elementary school. The kids (or my kids) have been little demons lately. Its like they suddenly lost all respect for me only as a person! This is a little bit frustrating if you can imagine especially when trying to work with boys in group counseling settings. Oh well. . .something is going down in that neighborhood and its pretty concerning.

Anyway, so I am at home and its been the expected time here, pretty good for the most part but with its moments of course. Its actually been very nice and pleasant it almost feels like a nice long weekend with the family or how Christmas break should have felt more. I am trying to relax and its going pretty well, but I still can't catch up with my sleep here because no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep a lot of the time. And when I do I have weird dreams or terrible quit real nightmares that freak me out about dying or waiting to dye or running away from something so I don't dye or watching other people dye. Some wise people have told me that death is usually a sign that you are at a crossroads in your life. Death usually symbolizes the end of something or the end of that part of your life this seems to make sense since I am graduating in May right and have no clear direction yet. I know everyone wanted to know all of that, but what can I say I like to get things out and let you all know whats up with me!

I almost done with reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. What an interesting thought provoking book, but long. I don't agree with a lot of the philosophy that comes out of the book but it definatley gives an interesting perspective on things. Like a discussion on what it really means, according to the book, to be selfious or selflous and which one is better. The characters are all very complicated and deep. . .I have been taking notes just for myself in the book the whole time I have been reading it. Interesting read to say the least that in a nutshell is about an architect.

Productivity = More Satisfaction with Life

So, I am realizing that through this week that the more productive I am through work and practicum the more satisfied and happy I am seem to be just in general. As a lot of you know I work for the Applied English Center on campus with international students. This will be my forth and final semester since I'll be graduating which makes me kind of sad. I love meeting people from other countries all over the world. As some of you know I have had a lot of fun times with international students through work and hanging out with them outside of work. Monday I got to hang out with a bunch of students from Paris here for three months. The students are here to work on their English of course and do a research project for the private business school they go to there, They all speak at least 3 languages. So, as you know there are a lot of stereotypes about Parisians which I have held at time to time. Some of these might include that they are very snobby and act better than everyone else, and going along with that they are rude. Well, this group included about 9 girls and 4 guys, but only 3 on Monday. They were actually very nice. I got to talk to them and talk about fun stuff during lunch and while taking them downtown and around campus and Target. I have learned that when working with people from France or through my friends from France that it is a given they will always talk in French together. We might see this as rude to do in front of Americans but to them it isn't, so you kind of have to just look past this for the most part. It was a good day for the most part, no thanks to the other conversation leader who was supposedly in charge. But thats okay I had fun meeting and talking to the Parisians!

Other than that I have been just doing some office work in the AEC for the groups and stuff. Classes start for me next Wednesday and then conversation groups start the next week. I am hoping to maybe hang out with my new friends from Paris sometime though before they leave.

My practicum is also going somewhat better this semester but with new challenges. We are going to tackle issues such as racism, forgiveness, fighting, etc. in group counseling this semester, I think I have said this. But its starting to come together and my field instructor is being more productive. I am hoping to really make an impact this semester, or even more than last semester.

The job hunt is going. . . I sent an my resume and a cover letter for a position in California. But I don't know if I'll hear anything. . .still keeping the options open and looking around.

I have seen some interesting movies lately too. . .including Y Tu Mama Tambien
(its hard to get think about that movie still without sex), Vengo (I liked this one a lot), and Munich (interesting, and good, but long).

Thats all for now!

That was beautiful man. . .

I just wanted to write after my friend, Quijote posted in his blog a beautiful inspiring post. Okay, really don't take me too seriously here okay, but the story in there was just so vivid and original, it blew me away!

I am glad he is content and ready to start his next semester of grad school! That makes me happy to know that my friends and family are happy and okay with life. I on the other hand am still trying to figure out what the crap is going on and will happen in my life! I am pretty much to the crossroads, a major milestone if you would like to call it that of graduating from college in May with an undergraduate degree in social work. I know many of you are thinking I hope he didn't go into that thinking he was going to be one rich dude who helps people. I mean you are right about wanting to help people and all of that, but the money thing. . . I know. And some of you who read this might think to yourself, "hey hombre guapo comes from an upper class background doesn't he? His parents have money, he'll be fine for the rest of his life because the parents will always help him." Personally at times I resent and hate this aspect of knowing this that makes me who I am and at other times I am like its a nice safety net. Part of me wants to completely be independent of my parents and not to have to need them. To show that you can live life and be happy without a lot of money or fancy material possessions. But then another part is like look at yourself, you like nice stuff, you have nice stuff. Is that going to change because I want it to or because it will have to? I cannot change how I was brought up and how that affects my taste from food, to clothes, to whatever else I prefer. There are a lot of other issues that accompany my relationship to my immediate family that I care not to get into here, but some of it stems from this.

The job search or being any closer to where I am going to be or doing after graduation has gone really no where as of now. I am trying to stay optimistic there is time. . .and once I do get hired somewhere I have a lot to offer and am a hard worker so I am going to be a great wherever I am. But at the same time I am like the clock is ticking and I don't want to move in with my parents ever again. . .that might cause depression and suicidal thoughts. No not really I love my parents and they love me, but at the same time I was somewhat serious. If I don't get a job right away I want to be either traveling the world somewhere have deep life discoveries about the world and who I am or working somewhere full time (may be it Target) and living independently.

So, I've been back up here at school since last week because thats when practicum started. I am definately more optimistic and ready to go this semester than the last one. My field instructor is actually doing better at helping me and the other student. Our goal is to think of good topics for group, be organized, and to make a difference in these kids lives. We feel like we have a great chance to do this through grop and takling issues such as race, fighting, forgiveness, what a normal kid is (there isn't a normal) that sort of stuff, but keeping it upbeat. You know I got to do it and will get through it at times, but have to keep in mind that I could be helping kids to make good choices and feel better about themselves too!

I think I'll end on that positive point!

2006. . .it has started!

Yes, New Years was good for those of you wondering. I went to my friend's parent's house about an hour away to spend New Years there. I got there in time for a great dinner, good eats! Then we went to a party at another house I guess friend's of the family. Wine, brandy alexanders, and awful champagne type stuff from Missouri at 11 for New York's New Years. That was fun had a good time with my friend and her family and meeting some of their friends. I also ate a lot of chocolate, which was good I guess. We then went back to her house and originally were going to have a bonfire but it was cold, and we were really tired (I wasn't) and plus its really dry right now we didn't want to catch the town on fire. Then we sat on the couch and did a little talking nothing too exciting and then my friend opened the bottle of real champagne from France. We drunk that at midnight and let me tell you that was good stuff! Anyway, then we turned on the TV and watched that for a while my friend fell alseep on the couch with the TV on and everyone else went to bed. I was dazed and didn't know where the bedroom was that I was going to sleep in and I didn't want to wake her up. So, I layed down on the wood floor and was going to make the best of it that night. She did wake-up though and was like what are you doing? It worked out, but I didn't sleep that well anyway.

The next morning we went to church. My friend sang a beautiful song that she wrote the lyrics to and the music for that she played on the piano. It was about being captured by God's grace and mercy and good stuff like that. It was really breathtaking to listen to, so good! She really needs to copyright and record it!

After church we went to my friend's grandparents house for a huge New Years dAY party and feast all day. We left about 5 o'clock after we were vegetables. We ate steak soup, asparagus rolls, apple dumplings, eclairs, coffee with Baileys. All the great stuff! But actaully it was kind of boring my friend fell asleep on the couch for hours, I did too and the rest of time we were content just sitting and staring at the TV. We went back and I left, but they wanted me to stay another night. So, yes I like how I started off 2006!

New Year's Eve. . .PARTY!

Yes, its New Year's Eve and I won't be partying downtown at the pub crawl or bar hop whatever they call that event. I will hopefully be going to be my friend's house tonight for New Year's that is if she calls. . .I might have to call her. I had lunch with her one day this week and she said she bought a bottle of good champagne and then asked if I had plans for New Years. I was like "I am there!" I'll be spending the night there tonight, so no one worry I don't drive.

Wow! Its 2006 pretty much. . .it seems so futuristic. I think it will sound really futurisitic when we start saying 20a11 or 2020. Anyway, 2005 has been a pretty good year for me. I had an awesome junior year of college, went to Guatemala, and started my senior year getting ready to graduate! I am sure I could be more deep and philosophical about the year 2005. . .but I am not sure if I really want to. I have grown and changed a lot I think this last year on many levels. Yeah, I don't know but I think if you know me and we talk, or you got my e-mails from Guatemala, and you read my blog you know this.

I saw the movie Walk The Line last night with my parents. Its the movie about Johnny Cash. . .and let me tell you I knew nada about the man until last night. I only knew one song to the one where its like Burn Burn Burn. . .you know that he didn't even write. June Carter wrote that who became his wife later on. Anyway, I have a greater appreciation for the man and the music. But in general I think I usually become more appreciative of a person after I know their story.

Okay thats about it for now. . .sorry this one was a bit boring probably.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Grade Update:

SW 610 A-
SW 611 A
SW 620 A
Practicum Passed

GPA - 3.90

I hate that A- the only thing holding me back from the 4.0 and it was probably the difference between like one or two points.

Home for the Holidays!

I arrived home yesterday afternoon. . .but on my way home I stopped in my good friend's hometown at the coffee shop she works at that her family owns. (She is the one that goes to school in Dallas.) I ate lunch there and had a vanilla latte and left after about 50 minutes. We talked, I gave her a Christmas gift, etc. It was nice. . . and we agreed to hang out today.

I got home and saw my mom and brother. . .the new remodeled house is pretty much done finally! It has a very metropolitan look, it makes me think of an apartment in New York City pretty much! Its pretty modern, contemporary. . .expensive looking. But my parents like it this is what they wanted, so I am happy with that. I went to bed early last night. . .actually last night I had a minor migraine or something because my head hurt and I couldn't sleep. Then I was wide awake this morning at like 6 freezing in my bed with flannel sheets and a think comforter and a long sleeve t-shirt on. I had to put my pajama pants on and get another bedspread for the bed, plus a blanket and I was still cold! I was like mom we have to have more heat in this house at night. . .because if we don't do it now my grandparents are going to freeze to death when they come down from another city on Christmas day!

We also went to the hospital last night to visit my grandma, the one who I just recently found out has cancer. Well, the hospital is huge now here and they are still adding on, not to mention the other hospital in town is almost caught up in size. We walked around for like 15 minutes till we found an information area to find out the room. We had to walk back to the other end practically to get on the elevator and then we got up to the floor and asked the nurse what room. She was like you just missed her I discharged her five minutes ago. . . thats good but it just means we wasted our time doing that. But I guess she is doing better, but will have to start cheamo soon.

So, this morning I went to the mall to meet my good friend that I saw the day before in her hometown. She finished her Christmas shopping, and she helped me pick out scarfs for my grandmas. We had a good time as always, the second time I have gone to the mall in a row with her. Then we went to lunch at Panera and had an interesting conversation. We went to Walgreens, and then to see Pride and Prejudice finally. I thought it was pretty good and it seemed to follow the book solidly for the most part. I really liked the book and the story, so it was good even if I was one of two men in the theater. Then we made it to another friend's house from youth group in high school and hung out there with her parents for a bit before she came home from work. We talked for a while and hung out before they went to meet some other people for dinner. I went home since my dad came in tonight and we met him for dinner. My friend might, might being the keyword, come up to Lawrence with me to see some people the day after Christmas for a day or so. If not we are still defanetely going to hang out before I have to start practicum again. Once again though we are just really good friends and have been since at least my junior year of high school if not before that. Yes, we have some history I guess you could say but we are so past that. I mean we are open and talk about the people we like or our relationships etc. I wouldn't want to try to complicate or mess up the friendship at all by something stupid!

I am going to meet another good friend from high school and who ever else shows up for coffee tomorrow morning.

Its so nice to be home for a while.

Grade watch:
SW 610 Practice Seminar I A- , I can't believe I got the
SW 620 Social Policy A
SW 611 Case Management - don't know yet, but should be an A
Practicum - Satisfactory

That stupid A- is the only thing I think that has stopped me from having a 4.0, oh well its still not bad.

You know it hasn't been your best day when. . .

at the toll booth on my way back into town from my practicum the lady as I am driving away after I give her the money goes, "Sorry!" in a sarcastic way. I myself really like to have my money way and all of that kind of stuff when I get to the booth and then just be on my way. Well, today I had to wait just a little bit and you know I want to go. . .so I get to the booth and give her the ticket and she says the price. I give her the money and then start to drive off. . . well as I am about to do this the lady goes, "Sorry" like I am such a snob rude person for not waitng and talking or something. Okay, I admit at times I can give off the impression that I am a snob and my time is precious and blah blah blah, but come on! What a small thing that made the day that much better.

So at my internship today at the elementary school we finished group Christmas parties. Pretty much the Christmas parties include the kids coming in and we give them there gift bags and they get the goodies to eat too. Okay, well it wasn't that bad I talked to the kids about Christmas and stuff and got some pretty interesting discussion. I let them fly their planes or gliders. . .I guess it was kind of fun. But besides groups it was one of those days where I felt totally unproductive. I sat and ate a lot of junk, my new hobby at the internship is to eat a lot. I don't know if its the healthiest but I really haven't gained any weight I don't think. I still feel guilty sometimes. . . because it could potentially be starting unhealthy lifestyle choices. Also, the outside of my body might look okay and fairly skinny but what about my arterties inside my body or my cholestrol level?

Anyway, I got home today and have tried to relax somewhat. I found myself watching Ophrah today for the second day in a row with Jaime Foxx. That was kind of interesting. . . I really don't agree with a lot of Ophrah's personal philosophies, but think she does help a lot of people and uses her wealth in good ways. IN additon, she is like the same age of my mom which is weird for me to say, but she isn't bad to look at either. I personally find her to be an attractive woman.

I ended up taking a hot shower after that, which is always great! It makes me relax and feel less stressed usually like afterwards I want to sleep. I love taking pretty hot showers, you know hot enough to make the mirror fog over. Anyway, just my personal stress reliever that works most of the time. . . and no one read that in a twisted way!

My Reality

Okay, so today its snowing again here. . . and we are supposed to have 3-5 inches of the white stuff by tomorrow. Its pretty I guess, but I am still not a fan of winter and I am ready to move to the coast somewhere in South America. But today I managed to stay at home and have a lovely time.

I only have one day of my practicum left on Tuesday and then I am done for the semester. I think I managed to get straight A's this semester. I got a 19.8 out of 20 on my Comparative Policy/Program Framework paper which I thought was kind of hard. I felt pretty good about that. Last night I went to a coffee shop with one of my friends in this quiet college town since a lot of students moved out since yesterday was the last day of finals. We sat there and I had a nice vanilla latte and read a book for about an hour or so. I am starting to read The Fountainhead for like the umpeith time since my senior year of high school. I have vowed to read it to the end this time though, it really is an interesting read I guess. I don't know if its Ayn Rand's philosophy, writing, or her characters that give me the eerie creepy feeling the most. I like some of the points, but then at other times I am like wow. . . some viewpoints we hav here.

Okay back to today. . .I woke-up and watched the regular Saturday morning shows like I usually do when I can like a ten year old boy. I watch Thats so Raven, The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, and Phil of the Future. Phil of the Future is defantely my favorite because didn't every guy want to be that cool? Okay then I read some of my book and even took the dog Bear out for a walk in the snow. I watched the movie House of Flying Daggers that one of my friend's from China gave me for Christmas. I think its a beautiful movie and pretty cool!

Then I got to cook the chicken I had marinating in the refegirator from yesterday. Pollo Rio Negro, it was chicken breast marinating in some white wine, carrots, onion, rosemary, bay leaf, and salt and pepper of course on the chicken. Sound delicious doesn't it, you should've smelled it while it was in the oven. Then I made a sauce with lemon juice, water, sugar, and grated apple to put on top and to cook on top of the chicken to make it brown. Wow! I am going to have to make this more often and I ate it with the chicken in a bowl and all the juice like a soup or something. And then had a glass of the same white wine I used to marinate it with for my drink. Okay I am not a vulgar person or anything, but the perfect romantic meal includes something like I cooked tonight. For example, the food was good but it made me so hot that I took off my shirt to eat it. What can I say if you are with that special person. . . and you are looking for a night of passion then cook something tasty and warm that will taste good and make people want to take clothes off go for it! Who needs afrodisiacs? Okay, enough about that little thing about food, but food has the potential to hold a lot of power in positive and negative ways. I like to think about wonderful food and the taste and everything it can do.

Wow! I just realized what a change this is from my last post about how food is evil and I don't want to get fat. . . that was a little bit exaggerated if you know me because I am really skinny. I ran Friday morning though and let me tell you that was a reality check. I am so far out of shape. . . I had to stop and walk up half of a hill on one of the streets. It wasn't even really that long of a run in the first place.

So, I talked to my dad today. My grandma (his mom) is in the hospital they went in and had suregery on her and looked inside behind her stomach. They are pretty sure she has cancer but thinks its isolated or at least hope it hasn't spread to the bones. If it has the prognosis isn't that great for her, but she'll most likely start radiation on Monday. I do not know really what to think she is a great Christian lady, but at the same time has never been that close to us. She never calls and sometimes doesn't act like she wants to see us. My mom has the stomach flue and has been sick for like a week now. I am not sure if the kitchen is done yet in the house yet, and I am pretty sure no one is done with Christmas shopping, inclding me. My mom's parents are going to come down on Christmas day I guess and stay maybe until New Years. How wacky is my family and my extended family getting to be at times.

Okay thats about it all I am going to write now. . . I am going to watch The Sound of Music tonight on TV. I really like that movie but haven't seen it in a long time.

Blogging instead of finishing my paper.

Yeah, I have a paper due on Wednesday at noon that I am almost done with, but am blogging instead of finishing it! Actually this paper has been a big bad b***h in my life lately. . . its the last one of the semester and I am just done with it. Its worth 30% of my grade so I kind of have to finish the thing. I am on the last section too, but the thing is I feel like I have followed the outline given, but not really. Its about a client of mine and the practice model I am using backed up with research (that section is questionable), an ethical issue that could possibly arise from the situation with research, and differences between me and the client with research backing this up, and then finally application to the function of the agency and changes I would like to make. 10-12 pages that I keep putting off as long as possible. . . !!!

By the way I went to the school today with my other social work student collegue. We did some stuff like worked on documentation our group plans and stuff for next year. We got stuff for the group Christmas parties this week and next. . . oh how fun that will be. Then we started brainstorming ideas for groups next semester. . . but we have time to work on it. Like the three weeks I will be there before classes start and we can meet on a day that we are both off and do it over coffee. My field instructor actually seems to be working a lot more lately and being more motivated about her job, this is kind of exciting! The other student and I still have our reserves about if this is going to carry through til May or not. We decided that we almost need to be like God and forget the past and forgive her for all the injustices she has caused us and hope this continues.

Also, today I actually thought about my future after graduation in a realistic way and also without any real anxiety problems arising. I was talking to my field instructor about this and how I want to work with immigrants and stuff like that where I can use my Spanish. She knows my dad is working in Northwest Arkansas right now an area that is booming, and her brother is a doctor there. Its supposed to be the next Dallas/Fort Worth area in the future from what everyone is saying, it is growing fast! Walmart is there as many of you know and they recently have demanded that all the companies that they do business with or buy products from need to be close to them. This means that a lot of companies are moving offices and headquarters and stuff like that and with it comes the people and money and everything else. Plus Tyson Chicken is in the area and they hire mass quantities of migrant workers. My dad has a lot of connections too so I e-mailed him to see what he would say about working down there. He e-mailed me back and was like I could so get you in at Walmart or Tyson. I was like okay, but I really don't want to have a job because my rich daddy got it for me. So he is going to get some information for me and places that I could possibly send my resume too. This is me really being realistic and thinking about what I can do and what I might be doing and where I might want to go. This would defenately be a safe bet probably. . . maybe I need to be close to my family with money for a while, while I adjust to making off of $25,000 - 30,000 a year for the rest of my life at least until I get married if I do. . .?

Right now it has been cold up here and Kansas lately. . . last week we got all that snow as you know. I had a snow day which was good because I finished my policy paper then. But lately I have been eating a lot and drinking lots of coffee. Like the caffeine addiction is bad right now I feel like, but the eating thing is good. . . I guess. Except I think I am gaining weight no one else has seemed to notice or said anything without me bringing it up in a joke or something. But the worst thing is besides taking Bear, the dog, out and her making me run I haven't had time or wanted to go out and run since its so cold. I feel like my stomach or my gut is out there more and I don't like the idea of having a stomach. I have never equated gaining weight as a good thing. . . . I mean a part of me has always known I am really skinny and I should gain weight, but I almost like being that skinny. Okay, before some of you like start to worry about me and think I am going to start doing unhealthy things like some of you know I have done in the past, don't worry! I just don't want to wake-up one morning when I am 30 and I am fat and its because I let it all go down hill my senior year of college, thats all I am saying. I am going to try to start running more I think.

I think that is it for me now. . . I'll try to work on my paper some more I guess and then off to bed because I have to go to internship tomorrow too! 3 days this week!

Snow and the End of a Semester

Okay, so today I woke-up at about 6:45 and it was already snowing and there was snow on the roads an all that stuff. And to top it all off its been like 9, 10, 11 degrees outside for the past two or three days and is supposed to continue for at least another day or two. I think the snow would be more bearable if it wasn't so cold! Needless, to say I had to get up and drive to class this morning and the weather event.

Classes went okay today. . . .the last day for this semester. One more semester left, I don't know what to say or think? My practice class we wrapped up a discussion on family dynamics when one member has a substance abuse problem. We also passed around a box with different items in it and picked one out as a symbol to talk about and how it relates to our lives. I picked out something that looked the nicest and maybe the most expensive. I talked about how money seems to be very important in my family and its value. Then in the end she passed out an acorn seed to each of us and we talked aobut the possible meanings of that with one semester left. The rest of the day went okay, my policy teacher brought food and then in my last class I gave a small and easy presentation about one of the papers I wrote. So, I am pretty much done for this semester I have my Comparative Policy/Program Analysis Paper due Sunday via e-mail. A paper that has a lot of critical thinking involved on something that is already critical thinking. Lastly, I have an application paper due for my practice class due by Monday that isn't small. Great fun as always and learning a lot!

By the way note from the author I will not be going to my practicum tomorrow due to the weather and I am tired ~ haha! Actually I think its going to be a snow day tomorrow anyway. I'll sleep in and work on papers some and do other fun things here at home, looking forward to the free day!

Thats about it for now. . . I guess I just thought I would update the blog and tell you all whats going on.

Just want to Vent for a Minute of your Time

Okay, so today I had classes. . . which were okay. I was half a sleep in my morning class, which is normal but still get a lot out of it since its practice. Then in my policy class we got out early but listened to some more people talk about thier social problem papers. Todays topics included things like: Absense of Fathers, Homelessness and Mental Health, Women in Poverty and Healthcare, Gangs, etc. Very interesting! Then in my last class I listened to some people give presentations over their papers, I go next week.

For this semester I still have a paper due in Policy that is a Comparative Policy/Program Analysis Paper yeah I can't wait to make time to do it! For my practice class I have to finish reading a book and then write a reaction paper over that and two movies that I watched about a population that I have a bias against. Also, in that class I have a 10-12 page Application Paper due which I have to do a little bit of research for. Okay, so thats not a lot I understand that and I am sure some of you are like what the hell is he complaining about?! Plus, my practicum goes until I believe my last day will be Tuesday December 20, which is kind of late. And I have to start that back up the week of January 4th, welcome to the real world kind of. . .

Tonight I had a small anxiety attack when I got home because I decided to be adventurous and go the World Bank's website. I have thought about maybe trying to get a job for them and work internationally for a couple of years or something. Well that ended up being a stressful situation because basically what I could apply for is the Junior Professional Associates Program. Their elegibility requirements are insane, and I was like I am not sure if I would even get accepted or asked for an interview or something. Plus, it says they provide benefits for two years, but nothing about getting paid for it. I e-mailed my dad to ask about this and see if he could get in touch with his connections in that area maybe someone I could ask more questions to. My dad was like you could always get your license and sell real estate because Spanish is in big need for that. I was like good thing I am getting a degree in social work then and spending all that money for college, haha! Needless to say everything about my future at this point makes me very stressed and induces I would almost call them small anxiety attacks. I mean I am graduating in May, which is approaching fast and I am only freaking out more as the months wear on and I have no idea what I am going to be doing! So, after this little episode my night has been okay but definately not as relaxing since this. . .

I watched Piel de Otono on TV the telenovela I am watching right now. I like it a lot, but there is a lot of stressful situations on that show and I am like some of these people need help or a social worker! This is what I do when I read books or watch TV now I am always like if I was this person's social worker, we would try to work on this. But once again thats totally off because as a social worker I don't just go up to people and be like, "I am a social worker, lets work on this." No, clients come to you most of the time you can't just go up to people and be like you need this help.

I also finished Sense and Sensibility and definately the second time around was enjoyable. I liked the story and at times it was kind of funny! I will start Pride and Prejudice now I guess.
What a weird kick I am on right now as far as what I want to read.

Okay, so the big thing tonight was about what to do for dinner because as you see right now here I pretty much only have noodles. I know I need to go to the grocery store, but I really don't like to go there. Tonight I wanted to have a friend and talk and go to dinner with someone after my small anxiety attack and just sit and eat. Well, everyone had already ate, busy, or whatever. I was calling people that I would never call to have dinner with to see what was going on, no one! I even called a girl from China, that pretty much asked me out at dinner with some friends one night, I left a message. So, I guess about 8:30 or something I left the house, first I drove to the bank and got some cash then I went to Taco Bell. I had two hard tacos, quesadilla, and a Pepsi after I took it home. My driving probably wasn't the best either because my mind was just kind of there. I am okay, I promise. . . but I wish I had more friends around this year or that people weren't so busy. A lot of my friends moved away after this last year for various reasons, and then my other good friends were busy. Pretty much my life is internship, school, homework, and home at night to watch TV, read, or work on school stuff. The weekends are always full though. . . which is nice but sometimes I get nothing done and am tired by Sunday night!

What is wrong with me?!

Taking this time to Blog.

Yeah, Thanksgiving break was nice! I got home on Wednesday and my whole family was home that was a cool suprise! My mom and I saw the movie Rent that afternoon. I liked it a lot, I love the music from the musical!

Thursday morning we left for St. Louis to have Thanksgiving at my aunt's house (my mom's sister) and to see my grandparents. The food and wine was good, it was nice to see people, but I got to sit at the "kids table" once again behind the adult table with my brother and 9 year old cousin. The rest of the people pretty much had their backs to us, I guess some things never change, but I didn't appreciate it that! My grandparents are doing fine considering everything going on. . .my grandpa with dimensia and can't hear and doesn't talk a lot to my grandma who is very lonely and will just about talk to anyone just about anywhere about anything. That is a little worriesome in itself if you can imagine. My grandpa got sick the last night, starting throwing up a little bit and stuff thought we were going to have to take him to the hospital. I think he is okay, but now every little thing is enhanced by everything else going on right now. So, we left Saturday morning.

My friend who goes to school in Dallas and called me Friday to tell me the sad news that the movie Pride and Prejudice is not playing in Springfield! Whats up with that? We were planning on seeing it together. Then on the way back she called me and was like I don't think I can do much today because I am going back home for dinner tonight in her town which is about an hour from Springfield. We decided to meet for lunch and she called me like three times and was like meet me at this Chinese restaurant. I did, she waited for me to get there before she ate. Then I went shopping with her to the mall for like three hours. That was kind of fun, she bought a lot but I am not so sure how I felt being her personal servant the whole time. No we are friends ~ but no I was the guy that waited outside of the dressing room for her and got her different sizes and stuff and then carried all the bags. She invited me to dinner at her family's house though, so I was obliged to go. It was a good meal. . . then I stayed and watched The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galalaxy with her and her brother in high school and two of his friends. I was suprised by how entertained I was by that movie. It was a good day of all of that and of course good conversation!

Then I went to a friend's house from high school after that because she was having people over that I haven't seen in a long time. People were calling me the whole time before saying like, "where are you?" i got there about 10:30 and there were like four people there, how pathetic. I did see one person I haven't seen in a while and that was really cool because we were like best friends in elementary school.

I am almost done with Sense and Sensibility and have to say I have found the whole expereince quit enjoyable. I bought Pride and Prejudice this weekend at Barnes and Noble for about $5 to read next, hehe. Haven't knitted since before break and am not sure when I'll get back to it since I have so much stuff to do for school!

What the heck am I doing!?

Okay, so what is becoming of me? This weekend is been weird, but sort of nice, but then again poses the question am I just being lazy? Friday while I was on campus I stopped by to see some of my friends at a house I know very well. There were like three girls knitting. . . and I know how to knit mind you. So I started to knit too, and haven't been able to stop. I actually went to Wally World last night and bought yarn and now find myself knitting away at a scarf or something I guess (an orange one). My hands are a little bit tight. . . what is wrong with that picture? Maybe nothing. . . but okay. Definately not knitting outside of the house though and besides the people who read this as good friends that is where it is staying.

I am also still reading Sense and Sensibility and yeah. . . I like it!

Yesterday I typed a paper for a class up so that was good. I just need to review it and make sure its A quality and ready to turn in after Thanksgiving break. I started another paper today that is kind of big and requires work, but don't want to do it. After all of this I still have two other papers this semester that are not exactly small and require more than a couple hours at the computer typing away. Boo, to all of this. . . I don't want to do it anymore! But I have to, what a viscious cycle!

I was up till 3 last night watching a movie. I watched three movies last night on TBS, The Wedding Singer (7-9), Legally Blonde (9-11) and Simply Irresistable (1-3 am). Wow ~ is that sad that I found perfect entertainment and nothing wrong with doing that?! And its not like they were high action adventure movies either. . . sometimes I wonder if I am normal? Actually I know I am not really normal because I am me, and thats all that needs to be said.

I am really excited about Thanksgiving Break to see family and eat and have a good relaxing time somewhat. While working throughout on papers and stuff, just part-time though, but isn't that what I am doing now? Plus, I am going to see one of my friends who goes to school in Dallas I guess and hang out one night at least. We always have fun it seems like, she is someone I usually have fun with or enjoy spending the time with. Unless there are some suprises from her that I am not expecting. . . like have happened before. Not that its a big deal though, its not like we are super close. . . so roll with it right? Okay I feel like I am going off on a subtopic that does not need to be gone into right now or explored. . .

Untill later my crazy readers!

Update time. . .since lunch with the girl on Monday.
Well, I saw her that night but we really didn't talk. But I really wanted to see her again this week and with much turmoil and talking with a friend I decided to send a short e-mail. I said how about we grab coffee sometime this week because I would like to hang out some more. The next day I had a message on facebook from her that states, "Ty also asked me to go for coffee this week. Man what to do?!" I am like what is this, and sent a reply back pretty much saying who was it for? Later, I get a message from her saying that it wasn't supposed to go to me. She was sending it to another friend for advice. She is like I'll be honest I am seeing someone else right now. I didn't know what you were thinking, but when you asked me for coffee I didn't know what to say. (I am guessing she thought something might be up with me a lot earlier than this though.) She pretty much said believe me I wasn't ever talking bad about you and think you are a great friend and I hold the high regard for you, etc. I messaged her back pretty much saying no big deal, don't worry about it. Towards the end I pretty much said I probably wouldn't have asked you for coffee if I knew you were with someone else (if that gives you an idea what I was thinking). I was like I had no idea or no way of knowing you were with someone else. But for future reference if a guy starts to act like I do just be honest from the get go, if you think something is up.

By the way I am almost to Chapter 16 in Sense and Sensibility, I am quit enjoying it so far. I am definately going to read Pride and Prejudice again after this. I also asked one of my friends to go with me to see the new Pride and Prejudice movie with me over Thanksgiving. It looks good I think. . . and she will definately go with me, but said you know afterwards I won't be able to stop talking about Mr. Darcey. I was like I am dreamier than he'll ever be. . .haha!

Its Been a Bit. . .

Okay, so its been a bit or about a week since I have blogged I know. I guess I can start off on a lighter note. . . I have played a lot of the card game Pitch lately. I really like it for some reason, its pretty fun!

What else? Oh yeah my dear old dad is in Uruguay right now for a couple of days and then on to Buenos Aires in Argetina for a couple of days! I wish I was there hanging out all day seeing things, talking to people while he is in meetings. He is talking about going to Costa Rica in December and how it would be ool if the family could go, oh yeah it would!

Saturday I went over to my friends from Guatemala to see them and their new son. They are doing well. . . and the baby is cute of course. We talked for about an hour and had some coffee and bread. Reminded me of something we would do in Guatemala sit at the table and drink coffee eating bread and speaking Spanish. So simple but so nice!

So, the girl I wrote about last week in my blog that I kind of like. . . that I totally missed lunch with last week because I read a message wrong. Well, I helped out at a church event on Saturday night and saw her there hung out a bit. I scheduled lunch for today though. . . to meet with her and some of her friends. So, with some of advice from some friends I definately dressed casual as a student (which I am) but anyway, and got there a little late and left before everyone else did. It was nice. . . and I think she might be interested! For example, I just got a little salad and that was it (less than a $ on campus is pretty good). Well, I got to the table and one of the girl's friends asked me if I was a vegetarian. . . out of know where the girl I like went, "Vegetarians are cool!" Okay kind of random and out of the blue, but hey if I was a vegetarian she's cool with that I guess. Then we were all talking having a good time, and I am not giving her all the attention because that would definatley make it obvious. But during lunch and stuff I saw her a couple of times I am pretty sure like eyeing me. We sat by each other because she made room for me too, but I definately kind of saw her look over at me a couple of times. I am not sure if she noticed me see it or not, and I am no genius I could read things totally wrong. But thats something maybe? . . . okay I'll keep you up to date. Interesting blog. . .

By the way. . . don't ask me why but I am reading Sense and Sensibility right now by Jane Austen.

Things that Can only Happen to Me.

The title of this blog is one that many of you can relate to because as some of you know there are only things that can happen to me!

Today I went to get my 100% negative results back for my HIV test I took a couple of weeks ago (no suprise there). And let me tell you at the place I went that part is definately counseling style too. Except today I think the woman was annoyed at me for even coming in to get the results which I obviously knew beforehand. She was like, "so you were interested in the testing process were you?" Okay then - and then she was like knowing everything you know now, "when you do become sexually active do you think you'll get tested again?" I was like it depends, but in reality I won't really need to. Then she offered condoms at the end. . . I turned her down for a number of reasons. One being that if I am going to have sex and use a condom anytime soon, I can afford to buy my own and I don't want to lean on a clinic for my protection. Granted some people do and hey and thats great because they aren't going to use protection any other way unless its free and they know about it.

What else? I like a certain girl right now. And everytime I feel like progress is being made to even get together and hang out something happens. I feel like right now we both sense whats up, but are walking in circles. I understand people are busy and blah blah blah but we need to become somewhat of friends before something else might happen. So, right know we need to get to know each other better. Get this we have been talking through messages via computer for a while. Well Sunday night late I guess she sent me one that said, "hey I am having lunch with some people tomorrow on campus at this time. Come if you want." Well of course I want to go, well I woke-up this morning and read that message and was like I half told her my schedule so why is she inviting me to lunch on a Tuesday (my internship day). Well, I messaged her back saying thanks but I can't, not looking at the date to see that she was talking about lunch today. I felt like a complete idiot and saw her tonight and said that. Well she was like we usually do that on Mondays, so you should come next week. I tried to ask her to hang out before then because I want to, and what I was saying really wasn't coming out right or bold enough. I left and was like that was lame, I wasn't iniating as much as I should have. Part of it is you don't want to be rejected. So, I messaged her again when I got home and pretty much said sorry about that today. I would like to try to hang out this week if we can before next Monday. I know we are busy but thats what I want to do, and thats what I was trying to tell you tonight. This is all summarizing and paraphrasing the actual message. But we'll see what happens. . .

Yo termine el libro de amor y de sombra hoy. Una historia linda y tambien triste porque en el fin Francisco e Irene tuvieron a salir el pais. El acto iba muy dificil para Francisco porque el amaba a su familia mucho. Tambien, fue dificil para Irene porque su madre estaba demasiado preocupada en su vida y sus necesidades. La madre iba ignoroda a los sucedios en el pais y la mala dictudara. En el fin la dictudara todavia sostenia todo poder y control. El muerto y el pena continuaria pasando en el pais. El amor entre Francisco e Irene continuaria, sin embargo, estaba formando un gran parte de esta historia. Durante muchos malos eventos y cuando condiciones de vivir son horribles, el amor tiene mucho poder. El poder de amor hace personas quieren vivir otro dia mas. Y tal vez manana, un proximo mes o ano sera mejor que ahora en cualquiera circunstancia.

Let me know if my Spanish is understandable. . . granted I wish there was some system built into this blog thing where it was easy to put the accent marks and stuff on there.
Oh well.

Engaged!

No, it is definately not me! Two of my best friends in the whole wide world got engaged tonight on the two year anniversary! I could not be any more happy for them. You see I knew her before I knew him, but I remember specifically around two years ago listening and talking to both of them about the other person. I remember going shopping with the girl the day she told me a lot because we were good friends, and had a pretty good conversation that day about stuff if I recall. (I also bought a cool scarf that day, but that is beside the point.) Then I remember I started hanging out with the guy after I met him and we became pretty good friends right off the bat. Then they got together and we all hung out. We hung out a lot all the time untill the two of them decided to move a couple states away. I miss them a lot! But congratulations to them! The guy told me right before he was going to ask her (and like that was really a hard question), then he told me right after and plus we talked on the phone for twenty minutes later. I am glad I was included in that special night, I think they know how much that means to me that we are that great of friends. Sometimes I still go through withdrawl from not being able to just call one of them or both of them when I am bored or want to hang out because thats what I did! I am definately going to try to see them over Christmas break if I can. ANd also now I want to try to visit them over Spring Break or something now before I graduate and get a real job and can't take time off. (Maybe they'll buy me a plane ticket or something. . . no not really, just kidding!)

Congratulations you guys!

No Puedo Dormir

Okay, this is horrible its almost 1 o'clock in the morning and I still cannot sleep, so what am I doing? Blogging of course! And I need the rest I have slept beautifully the last two nights which has really helped me get on track since Sunday. But tonight I am shooting for five hours. . . I hope I get that.

Today I had class all day. My first class this morning is social work practice and we had a guest speaker. She was an African American/Black lady who was really cool. She talked to us about working with AA(African American)/Black population. I have known since being exposed to social work stuff some that an AA/Black person's experience is a lot different than mine probably just in everday life. For example, I don't think automatically about my race, that I am White when I wake-up in the morning. Or how that is going to affect me today and the race thing always being an issue that I have to think about and live with. She guided us through an activity at the end that you imagined yourself as having black and white spots on your body and having to get on a bus with all white and black people. What did you expererience, see, and feel? Then in my second class, policy we had a guest speaker talk to us about the different categories of data on the census forms. How its changed through history and how it is currently and had a great discussion about our opinions and what we think about how its done. My last class we talked a little bit about case management in mental health.

Then tonight after all of that I had a BSW (Bachelors of Social Work) Student Group Meeting. We are having a benefit concert in two weeks in November 17 for a local agency. We are ordering T-shirts, and there is other stuff coming up. Like cooking a meal and possibly serving it too at the drop-in center in December. All good stuff, but this makes for a very long day! Especially if you aren't feeling all there and your stomach hurts like mine was, but thats life.

Some of you might be wondering how I have been doing since my last very cheerful blog! I have to say that I am still working through some of those questions and issues that I brought up. I see it all as a process that will continue for at least the near future of trying to figure and refigure things out. This week one of my goals is to try to somehow get more organized in my head and not feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and worries if that makes sense. I don' have all the answers yet, but all I can do is be patient, trust God, and just keep on going!

Tonight I read some more of the book de amor y de sombra and that might have stimulated my brain some so thats why I am still awake. Its a beautiful story in my opinion and a book thats hard to put down plus its in Spanish. I am always looking up and writing down new vocabulary words. I really like how its a love story (as cheesy as that sounds) but then at the same time so much more than that. It takes place in this country that is under the shadow of a dictator and how its so corrupt. But at the same time its a love story of the woman who comes from a upper class rich background so is naive to a lot of the injustices and sees the country as one in order. The man, however, has a completely different experience and has grown up seeing and believing all the harm being done to the country mainly thanks to the dictator. And as the two fall in love the woman is going a through a self discovery and awakening to everything going on in the country. That everything isn't just fine and dandy everywhere, but its more of an illusion that the rich can create for themselves because they have more money and power.

If anything the book expresses in some regard that love is top and that if people are truly in love that whatever the circumstances or situation, the love is still there. I think this is a deep awesome idea, but of course the love of God is the best example of that. So many times we try to do things away from that love or do not want to even acknowledge Him and His love, but He still loves us! I don't know how I got that out of what I was talking about from the book, but its still cool!

Okay, I am getting sleepy, whch is a good sign. . . un dia yo tratare escribir todo en espanol. Until then - chao!