A Tale of When I Had Relations with the County of Estonia

Yes, I am going to publish a post about the semester and a half that I had relations with the beautiful country of Estonia. This all happened during the school year of 2004-2005 when this girl K. was here in the U.S. We still talk via computer every once in a while. I just want to set the record straight that out of everything that happened I do not regret any of it and that is why I feel free to talk about this past relationship/short fling thing.

You see, I met K at International Student Orientation in August of 2004 and she was a pretty girl. I remember going to a party not to long after that which she was at and maybe having too much to drink and pretty much sitting down leaning with my back against her legs. I think at this point I must have realized that maybe there was something there but didn't really do anything about it. Nothing really happened until the ISA (International Student Association) annual Halloween Party. Before that I was kind of interested in this French girl (not the same one some of you might be thinking of) and things weren't going anywhere. Well that night at the Halloween Party I asked K out on a date and she said, "Yes" to my surprise and delight. Well two days later on a Saturday I picked her up for our first date and we went downtown for lunch. We talked, well I talked a lot which I always do and she just sat there and smiled. She also made me order for her that day, which I didn't know if that was culture but I thought that was kind of cool like she was letting me have the control. I remember walking back to the car and talking about how that was fun and we should continue hanging out/dating if she wanted to and she was like, "sure, if you want to" kind of thing. The End of the First Date.

The actual official relationship only lasted probably like three weeks to a month. But we would like go to parties with each other and we both always ended up pretty drunk and having a good time that first semester. Good times! I would go over to her apartment on campus and we would end up on the couch laying down together talking or watching TV or whatever usually till 1 or 2 in the morning whenever I decided to leave. We had lunch on campus and did that sort of stuff, but it wasn't really anything serious. I remember shortly after we started going out though she told me about this German guy who I knew too that came out and said he liked her after we started dating. She knew this, but she liked me better and everything was okay but it made me feel good knowing that she would pick me over this guy, that sort of thing.

The end of the official relationship. . . one Saturday night I went over to her apartment with a bottle of wine and food to cook dinner with dessert. This ended up being a success and we ended up drinking the bottle of wine that night between us plus a little vodka later. Well, of course we ended up on the couch cuddling, talking whatever you want to say. Then at some point in the course of the night we ended up laying on the floor and I was completely naive, but at the same time how was I that stupid. She turned over late in the night/early morning and was like "don't you want to kiss me or something like this?" Well, okay so I rolled over to kiss her . . . and for some reason a brief second after that I felt uncomfortable and stopped. Then we didn't talk for a while and like ten minutes later at like 4:30 in the morning I just said I had to leave. YEAH. . .

Three days later we met on campus for coffee and talked and decided to just be friends. But like everything the friendship was complicated and the line was blurred. Her birthday was a couple of weeks later and I remember going to her party with a gift and we both got drunk. We were like by each other and close the whole night, but didn't kiss or anything like that but whatever was left from the relationship was still obviously there at least the attraction. I thought she was a very pretty girl, some people would think differently. Then we both got each other Christmas gifts and I still have the card and gift she got me. She gave me a picture book of the region of Estonia she is from and the card had three phone numbers for the three different cities she might be on at any given time and email address. Over the break I called Estonia three times I think and we talked a bit and a lot through MSN you know that sort of stuff. But then.. . .

The first day I was back in Lawrence after being with my friend in Detroit for nine days we texted each other on cell phones a lot that kind of thing. Well, the first night I went with two other friends to Chipotle and didn't expect to see her there with her good friend from Germany. Well, that was weird because I just went up and pretty much gave her a quick hug and we didn't talk much because I didn't want my two friends to think anything. Like, "what the hell is he doing with that girl." Well, that was pretty much the end right there of any other romance that might've occurred. I think like the next week or so on campus we had lunch and talked and I came out with that I still liked her or something. And her response was, "Shit, shit!" Weird. . . and then a couple months later like in March we were having lunch and at the very end, the very end like she didn't want to say anything, but that she got a boyfriend. But after everything and because she waited I knew. . .

So, like I said she left at the end of the school year and we still talk via MSN sometimes. But some of you know this story and others of you don't, but I just felt like sharing and really have nothing to hide. I don't regret that, it was actually a fun year.

A Beautiful Wedding on Cape Cod for two of my Best Friends!

What more can I say? The weather was perfect, not too hot clear blue skies with a view of the cape in the background at a villa. Everyone looked beautiful, happy, and in love the most important thing. I don't think I have ever been to a more beautiful wedding with such elegantness and just simple beauty. The food was great, all three or four courses of it, good company. The only thing was that my ear hurt because it was clogged and it was driving me crazy and did for the first two days I was on the Cape. I am so happy two of my best friends got married and I know they will be happy together forever!

I thought Cape Cod is truly an amazing place, I love the trees that nestle you in on all sides except maybe the ocean. I got to stay in the most charming like summer house places I've ever been at with a pool nicer than a lot of hotels. It was so peaceful most of the time besides stressing out about my ear, or trying to change flights, etc. . .But during the day I just loved to go in one of the rooms with the windows and the sun coming in and sit in a really comfortable chair or lay on the couch and read my book or write in my journal. I had such an inner peace during those times and felt like there was no need to worry about anything!

We also went to a beach one day which was really nice to just walk up and down the beach with my legs in the ocean. I wrote later that day in my journal how much I love the beach and the ocean. Its like it transforms me to another place that is quit peaceful and outside of my everyday reality. I could be on a very busy beach I suppose or whatever and still feel that solitude that comes with staring into the water, feeling the sand, and listening to the waves. The beach is truly an amazing place! But a lot of the time on the Cape it was nice to just feel like it was just me and things were quiet and I could think and write without getting to stressed out.

But the main reason I was there was for the wedding. I was so happy to be there for my friends - even though I didn't get to talk to them that much - its okay. My friend, (the groom), the night the guys went out before the wedding really did a good job of letting me know he was glad I was there though. At one point, I think we both were tipsy, but that doesn't matter he came and sat by me in the booth while everyone else was standing and really affirmed our friendship so to speak. It was special to me - -I won't forget that conversation. But there were other little things like when my friend (the bride) was opening gifts. I wrote a little note but it was personal and didn't get any gift though. I will though - I'll make up for that because I got back to my parents and they think that it is appaling. But anyway she read my note and I could tell it meant something. But anyway I wish them all the happiness they deserve! I can't wait to move back in a couple of months to the Midwest because then I'll get to see them more again, like the good old days!

Does anyone else have this problem?

I am going to Massachusetts to an exclusive area on Saturday and will be there till sometime next Wednesday. Well, that is if I leave because leaving on Wednesday is kind of strange. I am supposed to call the airline at like 9:00 AM and tell them I missed my 6:15 AM flight so I can get on the next flight. Its only a $25 fee compared to a higher amount to change flights before.

Anyway, back to my main problem. I have a little nightmare that I am going to be not dressed up enough while I am there or that at the wedding I am going to be so undressed it will be embarrassing. I know the bride is the main part of the wedding, but I don't want to stick out so bad that Clinton and Stacy from What Not to Wear or tracking me down while my friend is walking down the isle. Like was I supposed to order a custom made suit? Because I got news I didn't. I mean like tomorrow I am going to buy a tie and a belt, but can I really wear a navy jacket with a black belt and black shoes? I just hope the whole five days that I am there I look good enough to be on the East Coast. . . This is really causing anxiety here!
(Okay, without thinking that I am a homosexual or that vain. . . Most of this was just being funny and sarcastic. Well, most being the key word there.)

On to other news, I have decided that dating is a relative term of a relationship that two people may or may not be in at any given time. For instance, a lot of people don't really ever define a relationship as dating, but a lot of people might classify them as dating or make assumptions. Like two people might be hanging out to see if they really like each other better, they might be getting together to only watch movies (but they aren't socializing at all), they might be getting together to make out or do other stuff. My point is only this what is dating and why do people need to always be defining their relationships? Or once two people do start dating why is the relationship all of a sudden have to take on a new meaning or go to some "other level" which where is the categories of "levels" listed? You know. . . some good and wise friends of mine said often at a certain time in my life that I liked the idea of having a girlfriend or having a relationship, which I would agree on. But now that is not it. . . it is more like what if I really don't want to throw myself in or commit to a dating a relationship when I don't even know how strongly I feel towards a person. Not saying that I am dating or not dating someone right now. . . because dating is relative.
(This is supposed to be on the comical side too.)
HAHAHA to this whole post - it is silly!

STRESS! (well a little anyway)

I don't know if I ever thought I would say it. . . but lately I have been feeling a little bit of burn out around international students. Maybe some of this has to do with the turning into a little bit of an ESL teacher this summer for like twenty six hours a week and then another ten hours doing conversation groups. The schedule is so random too. . . but anyway I don't know. This week my goal is to get proper sleep I think so I am full rested everyday ready to work with the students I am working with. I am hoping also that next week when I am in Cape cod for five days that it will be somewhat relaxing, but fun!

I found out how much I owe in student loans today because I am consolidating before the interest rates go up again. It isn't that much. . . but it is still another bill I am going to have to be aware of every month starting in December.

I think I am going to go ahead and put an apartment application next week with my friend. My parents will not be happy but once the application is in and if we get accepted that will be final. Maybe I'll tell them a couple of weeks before move in day, but they know my current lease ends at the end of July. Hopefully though I'll have a job secured by the middle of July or something. I had an interview this week with the school district for paraeducator positions, they are hiring like 50 something throughout the district. Surely I can one of those. . . it doesn't pay enough but it would be enough to get me through I think. Plus possibly be tutoring a student or two too.

My friend got back from her trip to China last night. It was nice to see her and talk to her. . . it could be safe to say that I probably did miss her. I still don't know.

Lately God has been giving me an exciting task! I am like a missionary here in Kansas to international students especially students from the Middle East who are Islamic. I have been asked a lot lately about my religion and what I believe in, etc. I am also reading a book right now called Inside Islam. God is working up here and Kansas with all these students and it is awesome to me that He is using me in whatever aspect.

Oh by the way I did watch the Mexico vs. Argentina World Cup Game today. Although my dad is in Buenos Aires right now I was cheering for Mexico! It was a very exciting game I thought. . . but Mexico did muy bien!

TODAY

8:00 Wake-up and prepare for the day.
9:10 - 10:10sh Conversation Group on campus in the union
10:15sh Deposit money in the bank
10:30-12:20 Tutored student from Libyia in English (every morning - times vary)
12:45 Went to bookstore in union and bought three books for children to use in my English tutoring sessioins. ($50, maybe get some of that back if studetns buy the books from me)
1:00-2:00 Conversation Group
2:00 - 3:35sh Met with new student from China that I will be tutoring twice a week for two hours in his apartment
3:45 - 4:50 Went home and walked the dog, had about ten minutes to relax
5:00 - 7:00 Met with student from Saudi Arabia that I tutor everyday for two hours (next week 5-8)
7:00 - on Read some, cook some chicken for tomorrow, take Bear out, shower, and reveiw maybe the 10 articles that an international stduent sent me!!!

Bed time soon and tomorrow I'll start at about 7:30. I have a job interview tomorrow at 1 for a paraprofessional position in the school district here. And I will do only five hours of English conversation/tutoring tomorrow!

By the way the lady called me tonight about the Adult ESL Teacher position here. She offered the position to another person, which is kind of a let down!

This is life!

Que pasa con T.

I am still reading Cien anos de soledad slowly but surely. I keep getting distracted by other books and such. Like when I was at home this weekend I went to Barnes and Noble and bought Jorge Ramos's autobiography Atravesando Fronteras. I like it so far, interesting like I would expect it to be. I feel a little embarrassed sometimes that I have this sense of admiration toward the guy, which I will meet him someday, jaja! No really it is not like he is super famous. . . its like when I was a little kid and thought Michael Jordan was so cool because he was an awesome basketball player. But anyway I am probably one of the few gringos in these parts who knows who Senor Ramos is.

But on to other news I have been busy. I started to work for the Applied English Center on campus again for the summer until a job comes fourth. I am doing about ten hours a week there for $6.50/hour. I am also tutoring two students in English for two hours a day Monday-Friday for ten hours a week at $5/hour. Then I might be starting to work with another student some for $10/hour possibly. I have not advertised or anything like that and students come up to me and just want me to tutor them for money. Interesting. . . something I love to do and get paid for it! But I am finding out that it is more than that, I have to prepare stuff and my mind does get tired from it all sometimes. (That is why I am reading books in Spanish and watching TV in Spanish when I can - gives me mind a break!) But I really had a good job interview last Friday for an Adult ESL Teacher with the school district here. It would be part-time but I could do that and maybe tutor one or two students each week and I would be good.

By the way I told my friend who I am planning on living with next year that I am 98% sure that I am going to go through it even if I don't have a real job by then. Somehow it will work out and I'll make it through next year. My dad doesn't want me to sign a lease, he doesn't understand why I want to stay here. I am not going to have any money and on and on. He told me that if I sign a lease then that is it, I am on my own to pay for everything because they aren't going to help me. They will see me for Christmas because that is the only time I'll be able to afford to go home! But I cannot live at home with my family again, I can't! I am going to be poor next year like scraping pennies, but I am convinced something or somehow it is going to work. Maybe I have been spoiled my whole life and I need a wake up call on what real life really is like.

I think that is it for now. There is a lot of stuff going on it seems like and life is a bit stressful with pressure and everything. But I am getting through and it is all good and will be good! I think I will stop here though. . . feel free to contact me about whats up with me though, we can chat!

T's Book Club

This morning I finished Persuasion by Jane Austen. I found this book to be enjoyable and easy to get through at a quick pace. It was true to Jane Austen form with the characters and language, but this story in some way I think was funnier than other Jane Austen books. The main character Anne is in love with captain Wentworth the whole book and he loves her. They were engaged at one point before the story began eight and a half years ago, but she broke it off because her closest acquaintances convinced her to because he was poor. Well, comes to find out not to much later he does make a lot of money and it looks Anne made a mistake. But she never admits that because it was her duty to follow the persuasions of Lady Russell (a mother character to her.) Well, the story is how Anne and Captain Wentworth become known to each other again through common acquaintances and what follows. They were both jealous of each other at points, but would or could never say anything because of social rules and such. The funniest character in the whole book of course had to be Mary, Anne's sister who married into a family with enough money to take care of her for life. But she never seems to fit in with this well to do family and is always complaining about how hard life is and to raise her obnoxious kids. Haha - especially since Anne comes for a couple of months and for the most part the kids mind her. Pretty much Mary is spoiled or think she is above raising her own kids properly I guess. In this book and in most of Jane Austen's book where there is a woman and a man who usually always end up happy together by the end know the other person so well. For example, Anne and Capitan Wentworth like do not even have to talk or look each other that long but they can look at the person's face and its like they know or feel what the other person is. I mean that is love, but the thing is that even when they know with a 100% certainty what the other person thinks or feels on a certain subject it means nothing, its like their torture. A torture to know a person so well and to be in love with that person but think you will never be with them. And then by the end the two characters always are happy and surprised that they ended up together. And then and only then can they really open up and converse with that person freely. I cannot imagine. . . I think if I loved a woman and had to wait that long to be able to talk openly with them I would explode. I would not probably be esteemed as a person with social manners and order because I would just want to talk to someone rather it was socially acceptable or not. Overall, I liked Persuasion for its humor, complicatedness, and for a general good story.

First things first, who thinks I need to change my blog layout because you do not like it for whatever reasons? Let me know. . .

let me tell you how boring my life has been lately. I still have no job, no one is calling me back and I won't know for at least another week on another job if I'll get called for a second interview. I put in an application here at the public school district here for something maybe. . .It isn't social work but its close. This whole transition stage really isn't as much fun as it is cracked up to be, it actually is stressful. At this point I am living week to week and nothing more, do what I have to do. But I have to focus on the positives like next week I have my job that I had on campus for as long as needed or until the end of July which ever comes first. It is only about 10 hours a week though and some training working with international students, which I love so it is a win win situation!

but for the time being I have a lot of things to do: books, TV, and the beach at the lake. Right now I am reading cien anos de soledad, in Spanish as much as I can take at one sitting. Usually about one or two chapters at a time before my brain gets tired. I am also reading persuasion, by Jane austen. I am liking it so far, it is truly Jane austin form and it is kind of funny in a humorous way. I also borrowed my friend's book desiring god and will probably start that at some point. On to other news I have seen four movies in like three weeks over the hedge, the break up, xmen 3, and the da Vinci code. 75% of the da vinci code was boring. Over the hedge was cute and funny. I liked x men 3 all right. I thought the break up was entertaining but remember people it is about a break up and it is yelling and fighting that is why they are breaking up. I think its funny to watch it and the ending is more realistic than everything.

what else? Is it to soon to talk about a new person who happens to be a girl that I might be starting to hang out with more? You guessed it too if you think she is not from the us, she is from Ethiopia. But anyway. . .

okay, well in true teenage superficial form the hills is on tonight, the continuation of the show Laguna beach on mtv. haha, I think it is funny, but the one girl is not bad to look at!

What A Trip!

Monday I woke up and was not planning on a completely random road trip, but I really wanted to see The Alamo in San Antonio. Well, I ended up in Dallas and stayed with my friend at his new place and just hung out and shopped yesterday and left last night. It was my little graduation gift to myself. . . it was good. I didn't send that much money either. Yesterday I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at all good places. I found Mockingbird Station by myself and bought a pair of sunglasses for $10 on sale at Urban Outfitters. I found the North Park Mall by myself and its a nice sophisticated mall, that will be even more this next Fall. I bought a pair of shoes at Sketchers, they all casual and go with jeans. This is all I bought, which is amazing for me! So I left last night at about 7:45ish maybe and that is when the adventure really starts.

My friend suggested a faster different way for me to get back here to Lawrence going through Tulsa. Well, Oklahoma turned out to be rather confusing. . . I ended up taking a back scenic route on state highway 75 instead of the interstate 75 somehow. I was on some two lane road in the middle of central Oklahoma, which took some time before I got to I-40 and then could take that to I-75. I missed the Indian Nations Turnpike, well after all this I still managed to go a little bit too far east on I-40. Yeah, I missed the exit to 75 and had to turn around like 15 miles later, yuck! I filled up on gas a little south of Tulsa because it was the cheapest I saw the whole trip. Then I got to Tulsa and I-44 and was craving tacos from Taco Bell. I ended up getting off of an exit and not finding anything and then going down the side road a couple of miles around midnight along I-44 before I could get back on because of construction. Finally, I got a bit past Tulsa and found a Taco Bell and ordered three tacos. I tried to eat one while driving did not work out too well and I was making a mess. A few more exits and I got off and I pulled into a church parking lot and ate my tacos on a country road. Then I drove and finally got into Kansas at maybe 2 o'clocksh? Exact time is a bit blurry.

Well, I was pretty tired driving on 169 North in Kansas. I was like on the verge of falling asleep many times. I got out of Coffeville and about 26 miles south of Chanute I pulled over on some County Road. I sat there for a minute and figured I could take a short nap. I got out of the car and stretched and peed on the side of the road. Well, got back in the car and figured after that I could drive again. I was driving, driving doing somewhat okay and I think I went through some town that if you blinked you would miss. Well, next thing I know there is a car doing a U turn on the road to come and pull me over. Okay, I was speeding I don't really know how fast and the speed limit was like 35 though this town. Well, the police officer took my license and insurance card and asked me some basic questions. I was like "I can't get a ticket! I can't get a ticket, etc.!" After like at least five minutes of waiting in my car the police officer gets out of the car after discussing with the other officer I guess hands me my stuff and is like, "Slow down, watch the signs, and be careful!" Thanks officer - - - no ticket!

Started driving again and was really tired almost falling asleep and all of that etc. I am not sure where I pulled over again on some side road but I did and sat there, got out and peed, blah blah. I thought I was ready to go again after 10 minutes or so and drove. I was so tired! At one point I saw some green flash shoot across the sky. . . that was weird I thought its a UFO. . . I didn't imagine that! I didn't see anything after that though. Finally got to the last stretch and that was horrible. . . praise God I didn't completely fall asleep! I made it back here and was in my bedroom at 5:10 AM. I might have slept about a half an hour and then watched the Today Show. It was the last one Katie Courik co-anchored and I had to watch, The Today Show was a big part of growing up. I always remember watching it especially before school, but anyway I watched it.

And I have slept a lot of the day away after that. . . .I have another job interview on Friday.

I am a Graduate!

Yes, I indeed graduated on Sunday walked down the hill and everything! My parents and grandparents came up for the weekend. It was a busy two days full of events that make you really tired, but that is what graduation is for. I felt very proud knowing that my whole family was very proud of me. From the social work graduation, to all the receptions, walking down the hill, and going to parties to meet my friends and their families, it was worth it! I now have an LBSW (Licensed Bachelors of Social Work), which I am proud of a lot. I got a lot of cool stuff for graduation too. My mom and dad bought me a really expensive watch. . . so now I have one from high school graduation and another for college. THey also got me a big new piece of luggage. My brother got me a brief case. I also got some money and cards. My friend that I went to Miami with for Spring Break made us all a collage of pictures from the trip that spells the word family. It is really cool! Another good friend got me a nice tea set, rock on! The weekend was very exhausting but it was worth it! And walking down the hill is a bit anti climatic, but at the same time it felt so good to do it!

So this week the job hunt continues. . . the hopeful job that I have talked about before well they offered it to someone else. Well, I had in my email about a job possibility here and that if you were interested email the lady a cover letter and resume. It is doing case management with people with HIV/AIDS. This is something I can do and would be interested in. So I sent my stuff in and about an hour later get an email back from the lady saying so can you come in for an interview on Friday. I was like "YES!" so I am going Friday at 1:00 for a job interview here. Praise God! But the search continues. . . keeping the options open. So right now I am looking like I want to stay here for at least another year or two. Then save my money and move to Peru or something like that.

One step at a time. . .

SO. . .

So how am I doing? Okay, nothing really new to report for me, but read on there are a few suprises probably - - -

First, The girl and I are not dating. Which is fine I am the one that took the step to clear that up this morning over breakfast at a restaurant (so there is no room to think something else there). Anyway, we started talking about past relationships we both have been in. I kind of felt like that was where the conversation going on. But for me past relationships that is a difficult question. I have not been in a lot of "actual" relationships, but have been in some relationships that I feel like I should count. I mean some of them have ended just like a real relationship I've had the good, bad, the ugly, and the real ugly! Anyway, so I just said at one point "we are just good friends right?" Yes, we were on the same page but do not feel like it would be healthy or needed to back off from the friendship. I agree, and we agreed to be completely honest if anything does come up or develop. Okay, so I am being pretty direct on this one with my readers, so everyone always remember NO names and keep things anonymous in your comments! But anyway as far as this issue is concerned I think I was just trying to hard to convince myself that I could like her like her as more than friends. It is not the time, the place, or the right person for me I do not think. We value each other's friendship a lot and that will not change. Enough on that subject.

I went home on Tuesday morning and came back on Wednesday night. Everyone was really busy, surprise surprise! My mom was finishing her research paper for her master's class and then had to drive to her work the next day early which is about two hours away. My dad took an exam for his real estate license the first night which took most of the time. I was content though reading Cien anos de soledad. It was home. . . I found out that my brother will not be coming up for graduation. My mom was like, "I didn't think it would be a big deal and its more convenient for him to stay with the car space and to watch the dog. Unless its a big deal to you." Come on - - my brother has came up here like three times maybe in four years and he is not even going to make it to graduation. I know we aren't that close, but what the hell is that all about?! Wednesday morning I had breakfast with dad and of course he attempted to stress me out. Then we went to visit my grandma in the hospital who is going through cheamo for stomach cancer, not working that well. She is sick and I don't know how much she was actually there in the conversation. The next and probably last option for her is a blood marrow transfusion. I don't know God can heal her, praying for a miracle, but at the same time she could be dying. Then I went to the grocery store with my dad who bought $170 worth of stuff at the grocery store!!! So, this pretty much concludes the highlights of my trip home. I will see my parents and grandparents when they come up on Saturday for graduation.

I borrowed some movies from home that I brought back here to watch. I will provide my opinions of the two I have watched so far. Last night I watched Elizabethtown
Today, however, I watched a movie that I don't know if I would reccomend to anyone really. Match Point a movie that I was excited about seeing and my mom was too I think that is why it was at my house. The movie was kind of boring, but it is highly disturbing. Like I guess it was provocative in some way, but calling it a sex thriller, well its not what I expected. Not that I was hoping just for sex, but anyway. The movie is about a guy that falls in love or lusts after his brother-in-law's ex-fiance and this is in London, rich people. Well, to cut it short the guy gets the girl he has having an affair with pregnant, but him and his wife can't get pregnant. The problem is that he does not love his wife, he is bored but does not want to give up his upscale life, his very upscale life because her dad is pretty much "the man" or his boss. Well, the wife does get pregnant and he ends up killing the other girl and one of her older neighbors in the building. The very scary part is that at the end of the movie he gets away with it! Like the last scene is everyone at their flat overlooking London and their new baby boy right out of the hospital. He is looking out the window and guilt pretty much and the wife comes over and kisses him and is like I bet you the next one is a girl! There were quit a few references and parallels to Dostoevsky in this movie that were pretty good and right on. But all in all afterwards I felt utterly sick after watching this movie! I am sorry if I ruined it for anyone, go ahead and watch it.

On a much lighter note I watched the series finale of Will and Grace tonight. I was generally happy with how it ended. But of course me being weird I always thought Will and Grace should've been together like completely. For some reason I always thought that somehow Will would end up being "straight" in love with Grace after everything. Oh well, it still ended nice though. I think that a lot of the show was way too far out there for me at times and all of that but it was in general entertaining. I think it did a good job of sometimes depicting real life and society to some degree for a comedy sit-com. Especially the arguments between Will and Grace. But anyway. . . Its over there isn't much to say about it.

I still don't have a job by the way just so everyone knows. The agency has not called me this week after I called them last week and they were still deciding. They said they would call this week I am guessing if they have not called yet, I don't have it. I'll call tomorrow though I guess.

I am having lunch with my friend from Costa Rica tomorrow - - after that I am not sure when I'll see her again especially if I don't stay around here. Things are starting to become more real at this point that I am graduating and a whole new chapter of life is going to start. Wow - that was deep!

Dating.

Okay, I have to admit that dating is probably going to describe a relationship that I am in at the current time. It is just casual, nothing serious just still getting to know each other better and hang out, but at the same time something is there or the potential for something to be there in the future and not just a random friendship. It is confusing, exciting, and added to everything else going on in my life still it has a lot of "what ifs." I cannot get away from the "what ifs" in anything! But this girl and I talk a lot and have been seeing more of each other. Last week we went to a Thai restuarant downtown that we both like and that was nice before the student ministry meeting on campus that night. Today we met at Target and hung out a little bit while I got some stuff that is needed, then we went downtown. We were going to meet a bunch of people at the Thai restaurant at 7 for a friend's birthday. We decided to go to the Tea House before that and just hang out before dinner. We talked for about an hour I guess; in the process she taught me some Mandarin Chinese and I taught her some Spanish. We ended up getting at the Thai restaurant at about 7:40sh. So anyway its fun!

Next weekend my family is coming up for graduation with my grandparents so that is exciting! I think I am going to have to tell my family, well at least my mom that hey I am kind of seeing this person that you are going to meet, but don't make it a big deal. My grandma though. . . will say anything under the sun, so try to maybe keep it on a downlow for her! haha! Anyway, but it will be nice to see my family up here and show them around and meet my friends, etc.

I am hoping sometime this week to be able to share some big news about a job possibility. Keep praying for me that God will put me will He wants me!

Oh by the way, I am Done DONE with college! (at least for a couple of years)

I am Done!!!

I have finished my last class of my undergrad degree this afternoon. I turned in my last two papers in my morning class this morning. One that was a 11 pages that I stayed up until about 2 AM proofreading. Which by the way is fun when you are really tired and having to do some major revisions because you realized that the first draft had some awkward and wordy sentences in it maybe due to the fact of drinking about a glass and a half of wine at the time. I finished it though and felt sad to be completing my last paper, but proud that after four years I am done and will be graduating! I really have not processed everything yet I do no think about being done and what this means. I have many mixed emotions now that it is finally here happy, proud, but sad and almost empty too. I have been trying to prepare myself for everything ending for a couple of months now, but now that it is finally here it is weird! Tomorrow is my last day of practicum and that is sad becasue that means I will have to really say good bye to my kids and everything I have worked on wih them there. I hope that they all figure out how to survive and stay out of trouble, which will be hard and go on to reach their dreams and live productive lives. WOW! I really do not know what else to really say at this point. . .

I am still waiting to hear back from a job possibility to see if they will offer it to me, which I want! I have a really good vibe about it though and pray that maybe it is in the cards for me! I'll let you know the details later if I get it.

On to the next part of my life I guess. . .

In response to my friend's link to my blog by saying "hombre versus mundo" this is her reply:

Porque me parece que estás en eterno conflicto con el mundo -con tus situaciones, con el trabajo, con el sexo opuesto... al menos es eso lo que me encanta de tí. Según Milton, nuestros conflictos son una parte necesaria y positiva del proceso de crecimiento, y a mí me parece increíble poder ser audiencia del crecimiento tuyo.
- - Used with permission by Valparaiso, 2006-

I will try to translate for her:

Because it seems to me that you are in an eternal conflict with the world - by your situations or events, your work or job (talking about the job hunt i guess), my relationship with the opposite sex (speaking of the girl that I have blogged about recently). . . at least this is what I love about you. Following Milton, our conflicts are a necessary and positve part of the growing process, and it is incredible to me that I can be a witness or part fo the audience to your growing process.

My friend please post corrections or clarifications where you see fit. Pero pienso que entender tu mensaje.

A couple of days ago I ordered on amazon.com the movie "Un dia sin mexicanos" or "A day without Mexicans" and tonight I watched it. I have to say I really liked it. . . I laughed, I was entertained, I thought seriously, and I almost cried a couple of times! That was a good movie. . . pretty much the plot being is that one day all of the Latinos disappear out of the state of California and the events and stories that follow. It is so relevant to today's topics around immigration and it made me think of the boycott movement on Monday and all of that. After watching the movie I was on the internet looking at my own blog and decided to click on my own link to the Jorge Ramos website. They finally posted his latest articles from last week and this week. Last week the article was about the upcoming boycott and Senor Ramos used the movie that I just watched "Un dia sin mexicanos" as a key part of the article. Once again. . . Jorge si lees mi blog, ya se que tu lo visitas cada dia "we are on the same page!" Obviously Jorge I know you have knowledge of English, but just anytime you want leave a comment just so I know you are with me, haha! We need to work together on some stuff!

Una amiga has a link to my blog from her blog. Great! The link states, "hombre versus mundo" or "hombre versus the world". I have posted a comment asking her what the reasoning is behind this. . . or let you know what she says. But if you would like, Amiga, you can state your case through my blog too! No problem. Myself and my millions of readers are interested to know the reason behind these words.

Okay, so I had dinner with my friend tonight "the girl" that I cannot decide how much I like. (Maybe that is a sign.) But at the same time even if we aren't dating, we have entered the ground I know best which I will officially name here "the dating but not really dating thing." I am going to copy right this or whatever so whenever anyone uses it I will be the first one with the credit of the phrase. Because I have mastered this whole messed up concept of relationships with the opposite sex, not dating but dating. I have mixed emotions, right now I am just kind of going with it and we both are. . . we don't have time to talk about it too seriously. She definitely likes me though. Not to get too personal or lay it all there or anything, but I can always tell when this happens especially if the girl is a touchy feely girl. If the girl is then you know because she definitely likes to be close to you and touches you by leaning into you walking down the sidewalk or something like that. Its the girls that aren't touchy feely that its harder to tell. Okay I just realized I kind of categorized girls by a certain characteristic. I also realize that not all girls fit into one or any of these categories and that different girls mean different things by what they do. I am just talking from one guy's experience. . . This is my disclaimer. So no suing!

A couple of Things. . .

1. Why do I not have the cool ability to change the font or the color or center things whenever I want anyway?

2. As far as everyone blogging now - GREAT! I do not care if people put a link to my blog on theirs or whoever decides to read it reads it. But I have not reached the point where I am going to put all my friends and everyone else's blog links to mine. I am trying to leave it as anonymous as possible. Keep blogging everyone - I love it!

Yeah. . .I don't know. . . GRRR!

Okay, so remember the girl I have talked about before and in a previous post talked about how we had to talk about us. And then everything was okay, that we are just good friends at least right now. Well, we acknowledged that we are open and can talk about it, but I don't know. I hate to say it, but this girl likes me a lot I think and I haven't really acted any different about it. For example, we talk a lot through e-mail and kind of know each other pretty well. So for example, today I was working the benefit for the BSW (Bachelors of Social Work) student group. We did a giant garage sale and a kids carnival that was kind of dampered by the rain and weather. Anyway, she called me and told me that she was going to bring me lunch. Well, she did and that was very nice and then tonight I pretty much went with her to this banquet at the church for the student ministry's partners. She gave her testimony and did very well, and everyone was dressed up. She looked good. But we talked, you know almost like on a date or something. It was kind of awkward too because all my friends in the ministry were mainly working and serving, haha. I helped out a lot afterwards clean up even though I didn't need to and worked all day at the benefit anyway. But I don't know, but I can tell she is in to me. . . with the way she looks at me sometimes, to the friendly touches, etc. Not to mention that I am sure we are creating the picture to a lot of other people that we must be together by arriving and leaving places together. (which that part shouldn't matter because it doesn't matter what other people think, right? But then again I am blogging about it, so maybe it does.) The question is do we need to talk again and definitely keep that line of communication open so we know exactly what the other person is thinking? The thing is I really like her as a person and like I said she is attractive. The only issue is that makes me feel superficial since this is the kind of thing people on TV comedy shows talk about. You know where they have a check list or a thing doesn't work out with someone because there is one particular fault or quirk to them that the person doesn't like. This is me with her, there is one thing about her that I cannot really stand that could be changed, but I cannot be like I don't think I can be with you until you change or improve this aspect of you. NO Way in Hell! I do not feel like I have really ever mastered what the most appropriate least hurtful thing to do is in situations like this or how to prevent things from digressing this far. Whatever ~ obviously this proves to everyone how complicated of a person I really am on so many different levels!

I just got back home today from going "home" on Wednesday night. Thursday I had to get my car inspected and new tags for the car. I also got my car serviced, which ended up being like 4 hours of waiting at the place. My back passenger door doesn't open anymore, well it turns out someone took the door off from the inside and there are broken parts in the bottom of it. And then then they pretty much clipped it shut. . . sounds kind of unbelievable, but its true! I have no idea when the door was worked on because the last time it was in the shop the door had nothing to do with the stuff being done. I don't know. . .but now i have to take care of that. Boo, dad wasn't happy with me of course! I guess now maybe that work on that door from when the guy hit me in the Dillion's Parking Lot. I am going to the car repair place again Monday morning, but I don't know what I am going to do without a car if they have to keep it.

Estoy leyendo "Cien anos de soledad" ahora en espanol. Ya he leido esta historia pero en ingles en high school. Bueno, es todo en esta tema hoy.

You know what makes me mad? One of my social work teachers who wants to start being a hard nosed bitch with two weeks before graduation! This lady is an adjunct professor teaching the course on ethics. This whole semester she has been acting like we should all have As don't really worry like the class is kind of a blow off one. Well, I wrote my paper a three to four page paper on the ethical dilemma created if H.R. 4437 passes and read it to the class last week. Well this week she starts class with how bad our papers are and that we should know how to write papers at this point from being in college so long. She did not hand out a rubric because she thinks they are stupid, because they sugar coat stuff by telling everything the teacher wants. She told us shame on us for using internet sources, even scholary peer reviewed articles off the internet and credible sources not just Joe Blow's homepage. Three or four weeks before graduation she states that the school of social welfare should be ashamed to let us graduate! That is pretty harsh lady! I got my paper back and got a 63 out of 80 which is a C! I have not received a C on anything in a long time, I am not a C student. She told me basically that the paper itself was really good. But all my sources were from the internet so she wrote on the grading sheet "SHAME ON YOU-" Woah, I have major issues with this! Shame on you is pretty powerful words and I don't deserve that. I got 3 out of 10 on the clarity of my presentation for reading the paper (even though she said to do this) and sitting on on the table and not writing stuff on the board. She made no mention of this being some mock presenation in front of the board of directors, just a casual thing. I am still spewing about that comment "shame on you" and I am going to write her an e-mail. I could not say anything in class to her because I was so mad! Then she told us halfway through the class that we were all being to dramatic about everything and that we needed to stop! GRRR!!!

Enjoy the new blog layout!

Another Week gone by. . .

Yes, so it does happen again. . . yes I am talking about having to define a relationship with a female this week. If you are thinking it’s the girl that I had a three hour lunch with about a month ago, then you are right. We are very good friends; talk, hang out, e-mail, etc. Well, she is cute and a very cool girl I won’t deny it, but at the same time the timing isn’t right for a relationship, and more importantly I see her as just a good friend and that sort of thing. Well, this week it really hit me that maybe we should talk about us because what if I am leading her on by all the talking we do and that sort of thing. It ended up being e-mail conversations even though I see her a lot, it just works better because we both do not have the time to get together and talk talk talk. But it doesn’t really matter because we are on the same page as far as that goes. We just need to be careful because other people are starting to wonder and ask what is going on. That is one thing I do not want gossip about me and someone else. We decided and that’s what we are to say we are just good friends blah blah blah. Just when I thought there was no way I was going to have to deal with anything like this now. . .it happens!

What else? I am trying to figure out if I should fly out to California for a job possibility or not in May. I kind of have to decide this week, it is a job that I am definitely interested in, but my parents don’t want me to. I am trying to figure out if I am just going to buy the plane ticket and work everything out without them.

I passed the social work licensure exam last Tuesday morning! YEAH!

There are more things I could talk about, but I am going to stop. If anyone reads this blog, are there any opinions out there about the California job possibility?

Okay well I got back today after an extended Easter weekend to find a letter from the foster care agency that I had the interview with, a letter thats great! The letter says:

Thank you for your response to employment opportunities with AAA. While you possess many fine qualities, we have selected others whose qualifications more closely match our needs at this time.

Damn, sounds like a bunch of BS to me!

I have a possible job opportunity in the West coast though in a major metropolitan area. I am potentially excited about this. . . but I don't know. I would have to fly out there on my own expense for interview and stuff. But my parents are like, "NO!" So another level of complexity to add to this whole mess.

I sent a cover letter and a resume out to a National Coalition in this Nation's capital today. Then back at home I might have a connection to start out in one of the hospitals part time and also work at my church this summer as a missions intern. Who knows? I have a reusme and cover letter a lot of places. . . but nothing is working. No one seems to get it either that this is kind of stressful and worry some. I know God has a plan, but my patience is running low!

In other events it was nice to be at home for about four days. Friday night I went to dinner and drinks with a friend and ended up getting home at 4:30. It was fun. . . my brother called me though at like 4:15 on my way home and was like I just got home, where are you? Whats up with that? My friend left her cell phone in my car though. Some people might find that cute. . . but I don't know. My brother and I got along maybe the best we ever have though. . . so that was really cool to know that he is growing up more.

Then I had lunch with another friend from high school on Saturday and that was nice. My mom and I went to church on Sunday morning the youth service at 7:00. My brother is in charge of the youth praise band. Then we picked up my dad from his trip to Argentina and Chile. He brought all kinds of goodies home! Then we went to a baseball game that afternoon. I woke up at about 5:30 today and left the house by 6. To take my friend's cell phone back and have a small breakfast. I guess that was nice and saw the dad too, but I was exhausted! And then had conversation groups and stuff on campus this afternoon.

I am taking the state licensure exam for my BSW degree tomorrow, which is really easy! So after tomorrow I will be a LBSW in the state of Kansas, which who knows if it will even be worth it whereever I end up at, haha! And then practicum. . .
Oh and I have to finish a small paper that is due on Wednesday and I have to present it. It is for my ethics class and I am doing the ethical dilemma that social workers would be in if a bill like HR 4437 passes about immigration.

Okay now all of you are kind of caught up!

Good Morning! Its a little bit less than 10 in the morning Central Standard Time on Tuesday. I did not have to go to my practicum today because the elementary school is on Spring Break this week. Its so nice to have a whole day without anything that I have to do, except my own to-do list. Since it is Spring Break this week I will be going home on Thursday till next Monday morning for the Easter weekend. I will see my family. . . even though my dad won't get back from South America until Easter Sunday Morning. I am not sure when we are going to make it to church plus pick him up.

Yesterday I took a bus with some people to an immigration reform rally in KCMO. Well, so I met these people on campus to go up with them because that is what one of my friend's suggested from social work classes. I did not realize, however, that everyone except me in this group considered themselves anarchists. I do not consider myself an anarchist really, so I was like great I just wanted to come to support immigrant rights. The whole bus ride there they are talking about revolutions and radical stuff. Then I as everyone else were informed on what to do if we were arrested what we can say and what we do not have to say. They even gave us a phone number to call for our one phone call if we were arrested. I was a little nervous. I was not planning on being arrested and if this group was then I might have to separate. And on top of that these immigrant marches and rallies all across the nation have been peaceful the immigrants I am sure do not want to cause more trouble to themselves. So we got there and the group definitely did not fit in and I was them and already did not fit in as a "gringo" I am sure. They even had this weird anarchist flag to go with everyone's US and Mexican ones. So when all the immigrants are chanting "USA!" and talking about how they are part of America my anarchists friends were all like "no rise up and destroy the system" kind of the opposite of the point. I separated myself as much as I could and talked to a little kid a little bit in Spanish. I did enjoy chanting "Si, se puede" though with everyone else. The rally in KC though was definitely not as organized as other cities marches. They were not hundreds of thousands of people maybe a third or less of immigrants in the city. They did not all wear white for peace and it wasn't all US flags, there were plenty of Mexican flags and other countries. I am not saying this is bad but in other cities the focus has turned more to "we all are the US" and "American Flags" and all of that. I was glad to be there as a supporter and I saw it as a positive step for KC, a city with a lot of room to grow in this area.

My college years/experience are almost over. . . I am excited to be done for a while, but I don't have a job yet and I am not sure if I am ready for my life to change so much. My schedule is going to be so different than a lot of my friends as a working guy, well sometime and no big summer break. I guess I am ready. . .

This could be ugly.

Okay, well to start off this morning for my social work practice class we went to a women's correctional facility (prison) for a learning tour. We went into medium and maximum security buildings and saw and heard the women there. I guess in the medium security area where the women were free to move around and we walked through their bathroom and sleeping quarters, some women told me classmates I was hot. I am glad I did not really hear this. It was not as bad as I thought, we got to listen to a three women prison panel at the end in a group called STOP Violence. One woman I was very suprised who was 41 had an interesting story. She was a milk carton child from like six years old to 11 years old her dad took her and changed her identity and everything. She felt loved and accepted by him and then she was found and moved back in with the mother. From day one she abused her emotionally and physically. Then she married a man who abused her too and she has three kids. She divorced him after 11 years and moved away and worked her through a college education. She has two sons both in the marines one was in Iraq and one is currently in Iraq and a 16 year old daughter waiting for her at home. But she is in prison for forgery. . . she signed a check for house payments with her boyfriend or fiancia's name and got caught. Well it would have only been a 12 month probation sentence, but since she has never been in trouble with the law at all she freaked out and went to Canada for four months. She got caught and is now finishing a 9 month sentence I believe and will get out in June. She talked about how lonely prison has been, how she never gets mail because her kids are busy. . . all for making one mistake and freaking out. She has no idea what she is going to do when she gets out without a job and with bills. I felt bad for her, but it was good that she was on the panel because it shows that it isn't only violent women there, she was white collar. Not like the woman besides her that pretty much shook a 9 month old girl to death. I know the prison is mainly for criminals drug users, murderors, etc, but the woman I just talked about it really made the experience that much more real to me. Maybe it is more real to me because that is more the type of thing I might end up in prison for because maybe I made a bad mistake or bad decision!

Tonight after classes and a meeting I went running at about 7 or 7:30 and I was coming back and my roomates were BBQing in the front yard for our dinner tonight. Well, I finished and for my cool down before I stretch I try to do like a 50 to 100meter sprint. Well I am walking up to my house and my one roomate (the computer guy) was like I didn't know that was you. You truly looked like or I thought you were a 12 year old Mexican kid running. What the hell! I guess no one really looks at me or at least from a distance and thinks that I could possibly be from the United States if its Mexico, Europe, or whatever. I don't care. . . I personally would rather be a foreigner. But the thing is later we are talking about other issues. Like my major is social work and I am graduating with a bachelors in that and will be licensed so I will be able to put I am an LBSW. I think this is an accomplishment that I am proud of this! Well, I was telling my roomates about how much it cost to get the license which is ridiculous and my one roomate (the nurse) goes pretty much it means no job and no money. I said something about how the test isn't that hard though and I could probably pass the MSW (masters) one and the other roomate (the computer guy) went so what. I don't think a lot of people brag about having a masters in social work, well how do you think I felt? I am only getting a bachelors and he was like people with masters don't even act proud of that or brag. What the hell! Then I tried to explain that Social work is a profession. He finally expressed the idea that social work is like teachers K-12 grades that work hard but don't get a lot of money or respect. This was his point, and that he does not have the patience for it. I mean I know my roomates were not being totally serious and trying to knock it, but their sarcasm and jokes sometimes do not really make me feel respected either. They talk about how its one of those professions that doesn't get much respect, well buddies it starts at home if you want to acknowledge it and change that idea. Don't disrespect me at the same time you are saying how you understand it all. . .

Then back to the comment earlier about calling me a Mexican. . . well we started to talk about the immigration issue in the United States. I started talking about how I want to work with immigrants closer to the border and I am very passionate about this issue. I started talking about how as a social worker if some new law passes I could be arrested for knowingly helping an illegal immigrant (which I would happily go to jail for this and I put this in a letter to my senators). I started talking about the issue and all the implications that these new laws would have if passed that would cause more problems. My one roomate was like just face it "we don't like Mexicans here!" Just jokingly sarcastic. . . but after everything I just said and then saying I looked like a Mexican earlier this is not the most well thought out statements.

We went on to discuss a lot of US politics and my one roomate not thinking the US has a culture compared to a lot of countries. Well, we do but it might have a lot of different parts of other cultures and also our country is young. . . this has some stuff to do with it. He talked about how he doesn't understand why people would want to come to the US just to see or visit becuase we have no real culture. He doesn't really like culture outside of the US in big cities like NY or San Francisco. Well, this is his take, but if he was born somewhere else this would be different I think or if he was raised a little bit different or something. Like I don't understand the thinking sometimes.

So these are the guys that talk about how the US doesn't really have culture but agree in a lot of ways that are country is messed up. With my whole heart agree. . . for example while there is a genocide happening in Sudan right now we do nothing even though we could because its a poor country. Plus Bush I am sure is probably spending all of his time trying to figure out how to invade Iran next with all his power crazed cabinet and everything! But in all irony my roomates are now watching "South Park" on TV and think it is hilarious. This show is nothing but garbage. . . it is all about intolerance and bigotry. This is what our society watches and get a lot of our jokes and ideas. . . is this good even for kids? Probably not. I know there are people out there that would argue with me about the value of South Park. Saying that it talks about real issues and actually brings truth out of all of it, but still it is not the best example of American tolerance and diversity.

One more note. . . I like to watch the Today show in the morning and like Katie Couric. But doesn't she already make like $7 million dollars and today announced that she is going to anchor the CBS National News next. The newspaper reported she'll make anywhere from $10-15 million dollars over five years or something. What the hell is wrong with our country? We are obsessed with money and class. In my opinion, that is one of the underlying main reasons for this huge debate about immigration reform. . . we don't want more poor lower class people in this country, which most of the Mexicans are.

Okay, well bless you if you read all of this!

Yes, today I had my first real world job interview and it might be the only one I get before I graduate! What can I say about that interview? Nothing extraordinary and boring both come to mind! The lady that interviewed me was an older lady, very nice and knowledgeable just a bit dull. She would ask me questions and I would try to answer them and make them more conversation like and she would sit there and go, "Thats good" "good" or whatever. Then maybe a half or full minute would follow in silence as she would attempt to think of another question or something. This continued throughout the interview at one point she brought in the Spanish speaking Case Manager to come in and prove that I can speak Spanish. Well the guy seemed very timid and very quiet I could hardly hear him. Well, she was like talk about this and I talked in Spanish pretty good in my opinion especially since it was so spur of the moment and everything. Well, after a couple of minutes of speaking the lady went, "thats enough" and then that was pretty much it and the guy left. I asked her a few questions but she did not seem to excited one way or the other and a little annoyed that I could not start working there tomorrow or something. She was like when could you start and I said something like after graduation and at the end she said okay, "you did good, Ill keep your stuff and contact you when it gets closer to the time." That sounds real prominsing, NOT in my opinion. . . who knows. She did tell me the starting salary, which is higher than I thought, and gave me the benefits sheet, so I don't know how to read the interview.

Thats it. . . just an update.

More Tea, Less Coffee

Yes, I am trying to cut down on coffee/caffeine and live a healthier lifestyle for myself. Last week I did not have much caffeine or coffee but come on my schedule was all out of wack anyway over Spring Break. But this week I have cut myself down to one cup of coffee or vanilla lathe a day. It makes me really cherish that cup of coffee though when I do get it, like this morning at about 9:00 I got a cup from McDonalds on the way to practicum. I feel like I am not doing too bad, and its been an empowering experience so far! I feel like I am gaining energy but at the same time still have minor headaches at times, and even after a full night of sleep I am still waking up exhausted! That is the part that really stinks, for example on Tuesday I am supposed ( supposed being the key word)at practicum by 9 every morning which means I need to leave here no late than lets say 8:05. Well Tuesday I woke-up at about 8:05, oh well! Then Wednesday I got to my 8:30 class at about 8:35 after waking up at like 7:50.
GRRRR!!!
But the good thing is that I have good tea, real tea from China and my friend this past Sunday gave me a whole bunch of Japanese goodies including green tea! I even bought a $6 tea kettle this week at Target, which makes me happy to add to my kitchen supplies. Which includes that is mine and not my roommates now a coffee maker, a tea kettle, and some tubberware. haha!

On a more serious note and that is practicum was crazy today! My fourth grade boys group which knows how to hit all my buttons was great fun today! I talked a lot of Spanish today in that group which could be good or bad. This week it has been good a bit because I have talked to them some about the new latest round of discriminatory mostly immigration reform bills. But my fourth grade boys group was crazy as always today and I separated the main one a little bit. But that really doesn't happen, this kid scares me a bit I think he might be already dealing drugs for the gangs, but have no way of knowing this for sure. He decided to really push the limit and be funny and started to sing the song "I'm in love with a stripper." Well I went over there kind of mad and started talking and then all of a sudden these words flew out of my mouth in a mean tone "Shut up!" I wish I could go back and change that one becuase the group went bizzarck because that is definitely something I am not supposed to say. He was like I am going to tell the principal. . . I apologized but was like whatever go ahead. The principal was having a crazy day too, so she would've been like whatever too! But I have to work on that and not let that happen again. . . I still have my fourth grade group probably at least another 2 or 3 times. Help me before I go crazy. . . No not really!

I have a job interview on Monday morning my first real option for having a job in the real world. Which has to happen my parents told me. But anyway I would or will be a case manager working with foster care children possibly being able to use my Spanish too and be beneficial. Not really my first choice for a job at this point, but you have to start somewhere, right?

God has really been doing a lot in my life lately. . . I am currently slowly memorizing Philippians which teaches a person a lot in in itself. I almost got the first chapter taken care of. Part of it is influenced by this awesome book I am reading right now that everyone should read called The Heavenly Man: the remarkable true story of Chinese Christian Brother Yun. Its like reading the book of Acts but in the current time and in China. But this man talks about how Bibles were and can be scarce in CHina and that the people just eat the Word up. He would memorize like whole chapters in a day or even books. Its amazing. . . but at the same time I am like what if in my lifetime the government makes it illegal to own a Bible or they become scare or something. How am I going to know what it says if its not in front of me. . . I need to memorize the Word and store it in my Heart for use! Just a thought that I have been taking seriously lately.


Okay thats all!

Miami & so much More

Yes, as many of you know this last week I went to Miami for Spring Break with six other people and for the first half there was seven of us (4 girls, and 3 guys.) I do not know where to begin but lets just say Spring Break was good and fulfilled its purpose of getting away from school. At the same time, however it was not everything I hoped it to be in my wildest imagination!

Some things that I dreamed of doing in Miami:
1. Meeting the Latina of my dreams, who speaks some English but mostly Spanish with a strong accent and a gorgeous body of course while all the while meeting my specific guidlines.

2. I was going to see the headquarters of Univision and walk in and expect to have a nice discussion with Jorge Ramos, who I happen to think would be a very useful and interesting man to know.
3. I was going to buy lots of expensive clothing that is unique and highly fashionable (I actually did this some).
4. I was going to have many wonderful opportunities to communicate with people in Spanish (again some and it was good experiences, but everyone was suprised when me a White kid spoke Spanish.)
5. That the hotel was going to be some amazing, comfortable, accomodating room for at least six people (maybe 4 at the maximum).
6. I thought surely I will get a long with everyone and we will all become best friends through the trip and it would be the best thing ever (okay once again in some ways yes this happened, just not for me personally as big as everyone else involved, which sucks)

Okay so we arrived in Miami on Monday and waited at the airport for like an hour outside for the city bus to take us to our hotel with all of our luggage. What?! I have never had to do that and was not happy and then get on a bus that took an hour and a half to get to the hotel all to save money for the price of $2. Okay, it was cheap but I was a bit tired and frustrated! I learn more and more that I am sometimes selfious and snobby even if it doesn't come out thats how I am acting on the inside when I am like "I am too good for this!" Not everyone has lived a life of relative privelage like I have. And the hotel let me tell you was not that impressive for the suite that I thought it would be (one sink, one shower and toilet a room with the bed, a couch some tables, and a small small kitchen area.) Another thing is too that I was not a huge fan of was buying food from the grocery store and taking a lot of time to cook half-descent food in my opinion to save money.) Not that I had a lot either. . . but obviously I am amazed everytime when I go on vacations with my friends how different it is from what I have experienced on vacations with my family. This is both good and bad. . . but right now Spring Break is probably the last vacation I'll have for a long time or the last time I'll have 10 days off for years especiallyas a social worker.

What else? The first three nights we went out (like as in clubs with dancing and stuff) pretty hard! Personally I am not a big fan of clubs with the loud music, the dancing that happens there, and the overpriced prices to get in (like $20 minimum in Miami) unless its like a sals club maybe. But anyway. . . after the first night of being out till 3 or 4 I was done of walking to catch a bus, walking some more to find a club and then whatever. I am the type of person that would much rather go out with a group of friends and have drinks or a bottle of wine with music in the background and talk. But anyway, I made that fun the best I could anyway without really getting sick of it and blowing up, I almost didn't go out the second night. But that night we didn't go to bed because we went to the hot tub and talked and that was very nice and then went to the beach for the sun rise and to hang out in the ocean. This was really fun except we didn't actually see the sun because of clouds. . . but it was a lot of fun and a wonderful experience!

So, the people I went with let me describe them to you in a short synapsis:
Zee - a guy my age from Zimbabwa, Black pretty cool guy
T - an African American guy my age
M - my collegue at practicum that I know through church, has some issues because just broke within last year from everything she has ever known in the German Babtist Church.
Chea - White girl my age, but at the clubs "dances like a Black girl"
Nat - an African American girl, two years younger than me
Merry - the girl that stayed with us for the first half, two years younger than me a tall beautiful burnette white girl that looks like a model

Okay, just to clarify I am not a racist or trying to imply that race is the sole purpose for everything I am going to explain from this point on. I just feel like its important to make known becuase it might have contributed to how the group dynamics worked in my opinion.

My biggest thing is for a group of people like this and especially people that I do not know the best its hard for me to open up right away and tell my whole life story and all of that. I have to get a feel of the situation and then decide what I want to tell, but I do not like people telling maybe that sometimes it just feels like you are trying to isolate yourself from the group. Okay, when the whole group is bonding and having this amazing time together except for me for whatever reasons I have I feel kind of isolated too. Realizing that a lot of it is up to me, but anyway my apperance of trying to isolate myself might not be really what is happening. For me I like to see new things, and gain my own knowledge and truths sometimes and do not like maybe always having to talk or be around you. My friends know that once I get to know you and am comfortable its hard to get me to shut up, but in this situation it was tough for me in some regards. I felt like a lot of the time the group had this strong sense of Black culture even the White girls because that is who they are and they are knowledegable in that. I think thats awesome, but for me I am all about the Hispanic culture. So maybe if the group was mainly Hispanics maybe it would have been different and they would've felt more insecure. But for example I would get on the bus sometimes when we were going somewhere and would sit a little bit away from the rest of the group. Then attempt to listen and talk to some of the people on the bus in SPanish and all of that you know that sort of thing. . . and then later that night one guy was like I felt like you were trying to isolate yourself. I don't know what to say, but the rest of them have this strong bond of family and like it was the best trip ever blah blah blah and I am like in some regards it was only okay. I wanted to do more than the typical college Spring Break of clubbing at night, staying up late and sleeping intil 1 every day, always being loud and obnoxious as a group walking down the street that sort of thing. But a lot of that is how I was brought up and my background too, even my heritage in being Polish who knows, but I know a lot of it is me! I just might not of had the great time as the rest of them because mainly the focus was to stay with the group and I was not the majority. Like going to the clubs, or watching and waiting for people to get tatoos or whatever. I wanted to get to know the city more on a real level, the culture, the people, the stories, etc. . that is what I am interested in but that does not fit the typical Spring Break though does it. It still could have been fun!

I did manage to do some high end shopping though around South Beach which I loved! I bought a couple of things, and White seems to be the in color for Spring according to me this year by the things I bought! I would love to find a job down in Miami and live and work down there for a while.

One day we did go see the movie V for Vendetta and I have to say I really liked it! There were so many real emotions there that I felt it was unbelievable. As much as that movie is fiction I couldn't help but see a lot of those things happening in our world, or realistically that we or the US in particular is going down some of those paths. The whole idea that living in fear is oppressive especially when the masses are afraid and go down anyway that looks good, but really is bad upon further examination. But maybe we never really see it as bad because it numbed the fear and through being oppressed we cannot see any different. How scary! I would suggest anyone interested at all in this type of movie should see it. And I must say that the character V as freaky as he was; it took him to create the revolution or the final product at the end of the movie. WOW!

Okay, so I am really tired and will not type any further for the moment. I didn't sleep at all last night because we had to leave the hotel by 4:00 AM to try to catch a bus. There are no buses in the morning and then crammed six of us with all of our luggage in a taxi van with barely enough money to pay. Another thing that I don't think the group planned the best or thought about, but then again I didn't think the group really listened to me all that much! I really did have a good job in my own unique way I am sure and did enjoy getting to know everyone, just not in the same ways. I hope this makes sense to everyone who reads this if not. . . ask me, or call me or something.

Countries I would like to Visit (no particular order or is there)
1. Spain
2. Argentina
3. Peru
4. Guatemala (otra vez)
5. Japan
6. China
7. Mexico
8. Italy
9. Poland
10. Estonia
11. Russia
12. South Africa
13. Costa Rica
14. Chile
15. France
16. Austrailia
17. Austria
18. Germany
19. Ireland
20. Monaco

Okay, I think that is the top 20 as of right now. . . anyone want to buy me plane tickets for graduation, hehe!

But really I am leaving for Miami for a week on Monday morning for Spring Break! And right now I can't really complain becuase I haven't had to pay for a thing, and my parents even gave me money to spend. My grandma who has cancer right now really rough, sent me a check for $100 too. How sweet. . . I pray for healing. But no I cannot wait for Miami the beach, the weather, the pretty girls (maybe), the food, shopping, everything! I feel like I am going to get there and its going to fly by and then I am not going to want to come back!

And then two weeks from Monday I have a job interview in the big city where my pracitcum is (yeah that one). Its for a case management position working with kids in the foster care system. I don't know if I am too excited or not, but you have to start somewhere right. . . so maybe I won't get out of this area right away. . . okay. We'll see. . .I did e-mail a cover letter and resume for a job in Phoenix that sounded like what I want to do exactly, but probably nothing will come out of that. I am going to be poor either way you look at it after graduation for the rest of my life, haha!

On to my love life. . . which I am sure you all are excited to read about how boring it is. Actually, there is a girl that I know from Nation 2' Nation, and the ministry that I am involved in and she is about my age from Malaysia. She is very nice and outgoing. . .well we have been talking more lately. We had a three hour lunch more or less on Monday since we had the day off since campus was closed after the tornado. Well, we've been talking, and e-mails and just you know. . . talking. But the thing is tthat after this week I have come to the point where she isn't the girl for me in that sense. Like she is an awesome woman of God, very friendly, outgoing, but thats about it there is no sparks or anything flying ther for me. I mean don't get me wrong she is cute, but thats about all I can say. (ANd she won't be reading this just so you all know.) And certain aspects of her personality don't align with me either, but I do enjoy hanging out with her. I'll just have to be careful so she doesn't think I am leading her on or something.

Pensamientos

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Poema 20 - Pablo Neruda

Me gusta Poema 20 mucho y en esta noche especialmente estas lineas. Yo leo y pienso que es mis sentimientos. Bueno, estas lineas dicen muchas cosas a mi. Ellos me ayudan saber que otras personas han sentido el mismo como yo. . . .y otras personas sentiran el mismo en el futuro.

Si, estoy contento con mi vida ahora. . . ya estoy mejor que mi ultimo post. Hoy yo fui para almuezo con una amiga. Ella es de Malaysia, nosotros hablamos por tres horas mas o menos. Nosotros placticabamos en muchas cosas; mi vida, su vida, el futuro, fue bien.

Yo voy a Miami en seis dias para el Spring Break! Yeah, no puedo esperar estar alli en la playa!

Life Update.

Okay, so this week went from one extreme to the other it seemed like. Some of you who have read my previous post know what the one extreme was over and when it was. But I have to say the week got better and better after Monday night. Which is always good. . . and now I don't feel that much hurt or loss over anything at all. Which could be a good sign that yes I am doing the right thing by not saying anything and just being content as friends. If my feelings that I had on Monday were real and that strong maybe I would be majorly depressed by now and had no clue how to live my life without her. Which is probably a good sign and a reality check that maybe I am holding onto an idea and not the real thing, true love anymore. Yes, there will always be a special place in my heart for her. . . but what can I say?

Practicum went well this week. . . I am busier than ever with it but it keeps me going and working on goals with students or whatever it is that needs to get done. This weekend I have to come up with something to do in group for the topic of peer pressure. I am wacking my brain trying to think of what to do!

I am finding more and more and over and over again that God cares and wants the best for me! Rigtht now I am trying to memorize Ephasians. . . I have the last part of chapter 6 pretty much down I think, but now I want to try to get the whole book squared away. Last year I had the whole first chapter down, but I have to rememorize it. I want God's words imprinted in me which is good, but also something else to have in there to maybe help me control all the other junk thats swinging around in my mind. Then at he ministry I go to on Thursday night they were finishing up the series Sexual Revolution which was good. But Thursday the issue was dating and marraige, but in a good way. It wasn't like this is how all Christians should do it and if they don't do it this way then well we condemn you. The guy started off with you know how he doesn't know where everyone is as far as their journey, but he said, "some of you in your lives right now need to be praying for God to bring your future spouse to you." I looked at the person beside me and waws like "no way" I am not ready for that. For some reason I haven't got that out of my head and am thinking through it and see what I am supposed to get out of that sentence that I can't dismiss. Then he talked about the idea about how many Christians pray for God to prepare their future spouse for them and protect them so fourth until the proper time. Which is all good and everything, but shouldn't we be saying to God "prepare me and help me to protect my heart to be the future husband and dad I am going to be someday." This blew me away, but it is good and makes sense.. . . yes God we want you to prepare us to be worthy as a husband or wife and not you make a person worthy to be with us! He also talked about that if we are truly and totally following God then we shouldn't be looking for our spouse. God knows who it will be and if we focus on Him and work on our current relationships with believers God's going to take care of us. Who are we to say, "Hey God we love you and trust you with everything, but then say but in this area of my life I will find the person for me!"? I mean if you think of it like that what kind of thinking is that to tell God one thing and then do another. . . but how true is that for everyone of us in some aspect of our lives. That we say, "God you take control, except for this becaue I know better for me!" And we hear this so many times, but really this is our reality as humans always wanting to have control of something or someone.

Tonight I went to Nation 2' Nation and I took Alfajors Havanna in a box for people because I think they are too sweet. I saved two for me, but I took them tonight and people loved them. Esepecially the Latinos, a couple from Bolivia was like where did you get this? These are the best! My dad gave them to me he got them from his business partners from Argentina. But anyway Nation 2'Nation is fun because its international students and we eat good food and usually play games and talk. I had fun. . . but my Spanish stunk even my English. I was trying to talk the Bolivian couple and I couldn't talk or talk that well. Next week I would like to impress them and just use Spanish. It was a bit frustrating tonight, but there is always next week another day! Tonight I was pretty tired and my mind is a little bit sapped from this week and conversation groups and classes all day today trying to help students with English. Especially when it is basic English with Japanese students who are here for three weeks. Its fun, but my mind like shuts down after a while even in English, but I love it! Its crazy but I get language fatigue in English just from using all my resources to try to explain something or concentrating on it for so long. Listening is also a key because you have to be able to hear well to understand people. A Korean girl told me tonight that I talk like an "English teacher" that was a nice compliment. I think that a lot of international students think this too, but my English is really not that great. . . its funny that international students can understand me so much better than Americans. But I know why. . . I guess its good and I have no problems telling people this is how I talk so get used to it so you can understand me just don't make fun of me or act like I have a problem (which I have gotten from Americans before).

Tomorrow I am going with some international students all day to the Tallgrass Prarie Park to hike. I get to drive a van on a two hour trip each way. . . looking forward to it, but no it will be fun. The Japanese students love me. . . The French. . . well where to start with them, but they are nice too.

Crazy like an Eerie Circus Clown.

Yeah, thats me. . . it has got to be that wacko. At this rate I am heading towards a mental breakdown by graduation! (Everyone please let me know when this works with everyone's schedules so you can all come and visit me at the hospital.) Sometimes I just wish everything and everyone arounnd me would just stop and leave me to breath, relax, and catch up. This stage right now in my life seems to be the most demanding, challenging, and scary all at once and somehow I have got to survive and make it through it. Which I will, not sure if I'll be sane by the end. . . but really what is sane? I have to keep trusting God and realize He wants the best for me in life, He doesn't want to cause more harm or pain than what I already put on myself. haha! Maybe this paragraph is a little bit dramatic. . . which I am sure it is but it sure can feel like that sometimes.

So, this weekend I went home. . . well I did Saturday morning and left again today (Monday morning) it was a very fast trip! I really wanted to stay for a couple of more days to relax, but once again life is too demanding right now. I got my haircut and saw the family. The family is doing okay and it was good to see them and hang out with them. Family is becoming more and more important to me in my life as I get older is this common or just part of my craziness?

I was supposed to hang out with my friend from Dallas. . . and we talked several times on the phone. I thought she was going to come over to my house and watch the Oscars with my family. But she is very undecisive and a lot of things going on. . . we talked for about twenty minutes through her undecisveness until I thought I had her coming. Saying things like, "Just come, I would really like to see you, you know that" of course many times to prove the point. Well she ended up calling her mom and she reminded her saying that she was at home for her dad's birthday today (I can't argue with that). So, she didn't come. Well, we had a backup plan that we agreed on to have breakfast this morning in my town whcih she wanted. But then she had to take her car to the shop this morning in her town, so we agreed that I would leave home earlier to meet her up in her town for breakfast. Okay, so this morning I drove up to see her and we had coffee and a muffin and talked for about forty-five minutes. So, we talked and she apologized for being a bad friend about this weekend and all. She talked about how I can always follow her to Florida after graduation, etc. talked about stuff you know. We are going to hang out Friday of Easter weekend. She values our friendship, I can tell that and wants to hang out. But to be honest with you I still like her after a long friendship with a history of dating/hanging out and have had a couple of talks in the past about us. But lately I have felt like she is thinking differently about us or doesn't know what she wants or maybe I have been hanging out with her too much. Maybe its both of our faults for letting the friendship grtow too close or something. So, I left her town this morning feeling like I am about to burst soon if I don't tell her how I feel again and find out how she feels. But I don't want to ruin the friendship. But still I had all these crazy ideas about what to do. . . like get her address and send her the DVD Pride and Prejudice because we saw it together with a box of browny mix in the mail. Then send her some other things, etc. for her to get the picture. I was even praying for God to let me know and maybe my feelings and what I want took over way too prematurely on the way back up. I am out of things to say (and if she reads this, which I don't think she does I really don't care.) But then after thinking, thinking, I completely opened up to another friend that shall reamain nameless too via computer. Pretty much maybe she was more of a voice of reason. . . finally got her to state her opinion. . .don't do anything or say anything. "It sounds like you have got a good friendship going, its been a long time, and maybe you should move on." Yes, so I don't think I am going to do anything about it and let time move on especially as it will move on at a completely different and faster speed after graduation I am sure. But I have to say it hurts, and it kind of hurts pretty bad right now. I don't know. . . but right now I feel like a fool and an idiot for lettting myself go this far. One way love is horrible, it isn't even real love because real love goes both ways; you love the person and the person loves you. FRIENDSHIP. . . its hard to find good honest friends so I need to count the blessings I guess and just roll with it for however long this one continues, hopefully for life. It hurts, but maybe this is finally the turning point I need to maybe move on for good or maybe not, and I'll continue to be a big fat loser!

Yeah, and Related tonight one of the shows I like to watch at the current time did not help me feel any better tonight. The sad part is that I can relate to some of the characters in some miniscule ways, which definately did not help tonight. Oh well

But yeah did I mention that life is crazy busy too. . . not necessarily with school but work, practicum, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Everything seems to be magnified 100X this semester and its awful! A little disclaimer by the way I don't care who reads my blog or who you are, but it remains okay as long as everything remains absolutely anonymous even in your posts or comments. I do not mind being completely honest here because I see it as my testimony to who I am and my life and its real. I hope everything will respect that and also on a lighter note uses it to keep up with me since I can't talk to you all individually everyday.