I have not blogged for the past week for a couple of reasons; I've been busy as usual, I haven't feel like it because I have been a little down, and I have been kind of tired as always.

Let's see where to start. . . the holiday weekend came and I did nothing special once so over for the three day weekend. I was supposed to meet Jihye on Monday after I worked out for the first time with a trainer at the fitness club. But she cancelled through text message at 5 AM that day. I don't think I was too sensitive about the whole situation and the next day we were both maybe a little frustrated at each other and fought a little bit through text message, I know kind of strange. Then I emailed her to apologize because she wouldn't text me or pick up my calls. She pretty much said she was sorry she had to cancel but with our different schedules, etc it is hard to make time for us and she values the time blah blah. It owuld be easier if we were back in Lawrence and we were students and all we had was time. Oh Lord - I know things are different but that made me feel old. Anyway, she told me to meet her Wednesday for lunch if I wanted around where she worked.

I met her Wednesday and we went to lunch and I gave her the small gift I was going to give her on Valentine's Day a notebook with a note in it, and one of my favorite CDs. So, we went to the restaurant and pretty much I was honest and explained myself kind of at the beginning about the frustration and communication problems, etc. I told her that I know time isn't really on our side but you know I was willing to try dating or whatever because I thought maybe she wanted too. Then she talked and told me that on Valentine's Day she received an expensive basket from the guy she was dating in Lawrence (I thought she ended that). In additiion, she was like he is crazy about me and I don't know why but for now we are going to try. That was a little awkward. She still took my gift though.

The more I think about it, however, nothing has changed about her even after this conversation we attempted to chat and she still made me feel maybe not smart or kind of dumb around her. She is so wrapped up in going to American and misses life there, TV shows, etc. and I on the other hand don't really miss that sort of stuff. I love listening to Korean music and watching Korean dramas and so on. She said things like "how can you understand the dramas, you don't know Korean, your main motivation here is not really to learn Korean." Okay, but I am still trying pretty hard to learn as much as I can when I have the time and energy. She talked a lot about applying for jobs this semester and then wanting to get into grad school in the US that sort of thing. She was like "why did you give up social work? why do you think you couldn't get a job in the US? What is your career goal or dream?" I don't know how she meant these questions to come across but to me they sound almost like criticisms and make me feel inferior in some way.

I realized why am I wasting my time trying to make this relationship come out of nothing. She hasn't changed and I don't need to feel like that around someone I am dating. I deserve better than that someone who is going to love me and support me, someone who is not trying to get me to second guess my life, my decisons, or my life. Even though we agreed to call each other and still hang out a lot. . . I am almost to the point where I don't want to be super close to me. And if she does like me, I don't want to be in that weird situation.

So, I am still working out at the fitness club. I meet with the trainer for the third time tomorrow at 10 AM before I have to start paying extra if I want to keep training with him. His English isn't great, but not bad and he seems to be nice and teaching me how to lift weights and use the machines, etc. For me I think it is more the motivation that working out with a trainer gives especially on weight lifting. I hate weight lifting, but that is what I need to concentrate on. . . I need all the help I can get. I enjoy the gym though.

Monday night I spent the night at my friend Yehun's, high school friend June oo's apartment. He lives by himself which was surprising in a very nice place I thought. The next morning we all went to the fitness club together in his like brand new white BMW, I felt like I was living the good life riding around in the backseat of that car.

I also started this week doing a private lesson for about an hour, twice a week with a Korean woman who teaches at the academy on Saturdays doing writing but in Korean. That is some more money to be made and is going good so far.

That is about it I guess for now.