Everything is still okay, but. . .

My practicum has not been going so well for a while now, and today things escalated a bit with some of my fifth grade boys. In group counseling today with one group of fifth graders that started late. . . and went into the other groups's time. . . so one of the boys comes in for the next group and I told him not yet. Well, one of the other kids in his class is in the first group and these two don't like each other. He pretty much tried to go after the other one just to add already to the stress of everything right now going on. A lot of the kids in my groups have not been respecting me for a while now and it makes it really tough on me to get things done and is usually very frustrating because its not like I don't try. So we had a talk later today in the principal's office about my groups and the kids. Pretty much one of the boys has one more chance or he is going to a transitional center or juvenile hall. The fifth graders including him admitted they aren't respecting me and blah blah blah. The one "tough" fifth grader pretty much told the principal is that he acts out to impress the other kids and partly because I am not Hispanic. The group he is in is five Hispanic kids and myself, so apparently part of the lack of respect comes from some feelings of racaism including fronting me. They even go so far to speak Spanish in the group, which doesn't bother me so much, but they do it because they want either me not to understand or to see how well my Spanish is. And the sad part is that out of my seven groups five of them I feel like are out of control many times! This is very frustrating for me to lately either sending the kids one by one out of group to talk to my field instructor, or taking my whole group to get scolded by her, or having to get the principal involved. She is an awesome lady, but still how do you think it makes me feel when it seems like I can't control elementary school aged kids in group counseling? I don't know if its because I look like I can be walked all over because I am small or what and not really street tough looking, racaism attitudes that are taught in the streets or at home, or what. And just a side note I have never really felt that my safety is at risk in this school or really even thought about it with this age group until today. One of the kids in my groups today was talking about how the other one stabbed him with a pencil, etc. and that he wants to kill him. Then the other kid speaks up and is like yeah something needs to be done before he brings a knife or a gun. The principal is very upfront with the kids like there is not a lot of violence in this school because I am here. She tells the kids do you think you are the only one that has come here and tried to act tough. . . there will not be violence in my school! I hope not but the trend is that things are getting worse and I really don't want to be involved in some school violence incident. I hope Thursday goes better. . . with two of my worst groups the fourth grade boys (who usually show no respect) and then my second grade boys (who are just bratts). I am trying my best to not let all of this bother me and my field instructor is being pretty supportive and is going to work with me on some strategies. But she is tired of most of my kids showing no respect for me, and I wish I knew exactly whats going on?!

Estoy Bien, gracias.

Si, estoy bien ahora. . .estoy en un estado de traquilidad de conciencia mas que el semestre pasado. Que bueno que yo no estoy muy preocupado sobre mi vida despues de graduacion. . .gracias a Dios! He dado todo mi miedo y estres a Dios. . .y me siento mucho mejor y feliz con mi vidad. Bueno, bastante espanol, es horrible no?

But anyway this semester well actually started last semester I have switched campus ministries kind of abrubtly. . . while still trying to stay up with my friends from the other one of course. Its kind of hard, but I really like this new ministry and the friendships that I am creating there and how much I am growing with God! Its so exciting. . . Saturday I actually went to a small group leadership meeting even though I am not a leader of that group per say and that was totally awesome! God is doing a lot in my life lately. . . like through all of this telling me not to worry about whats going to happen after graduation and enjoy this last semester! What a burden off of me after fully realizing that and that He is going to take care of it! I can't tell you how much my mind set has changed since this revelation. . .just thought I would share!

Buenas Noches!

I am at home again. . .before my semester officially starts on Wednesday with classes. I am leaving early Tuesday morning, however, to make it to practicum at the elementary school. The kids (or my kids) have been little demons lately. Its like they suddenly lost all respect for me only as a person! This is a little bit frustrating if you can imagine especially when trying to work with boys in group counseling settings. Oh well. . .something is going down in that neighborhood and its pretty concerning.

Anyway, so I am at home and its been the expected time here, pretty good for the most part but with its moments of course. Its actually been very nice and pleasant it almost feels like a nice long weekend with the family or how Christmas break should have felt more. I am trying to relax and its going pretty well, but I still can't catch up with my sleep here because no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep a lot of the time. And when I do I have weird dreams or terrible quit real nightmares that freak me out about dying or waiting to dye or running away from something so I don't dye or watching other people dye. Some wise people have told me that death is usually a sign that you are at a crossroads in your life. Death usually symbolizes the end of something or the end of that part of your life this seems to make sense since I am graduating in May right and have no clear direction yet. I know everyone wanted to know all of that, but what can I say I like to get things out and let you all know whats up with me!

I almost done with reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. What an interesting thought provoking book, but long. I don't agree with a lot of the philosophy that comes out of the book but it definatley gives an interesting perspective on things. Like a discussion on what it really means, according to the book, to be selfious or selflous and which one is better. The characters are all very complicated and deep. . .I have been taking notes just for myself in the book the whole time I have been reading it. Interesting read to say the least that in a nutshell is about an architect.

Productivity = More Satisfaction with Life

So, I am realizing that through this week that the more productive I am through work and practicum the more satisfied and happy I am seem to be just in general. As a lot of you know I work for the Applied English Center on campus with international students. This will be my forth and final semester since I'll be graduating which makes me kind of sad. I love meeting people from other countries all over the world. As some of you know I have had a lot of fun times with international students through work and hanging out with them outside of work. Monday I got to hang out with a bunch of students from Paris here for three months. The students are here to work on their English of course and do a research project for the private business school they go to there, They all speak at least 3 languages. So, as you know there are a lot of stereotypes about Parisians which I have held at time to time. Some of these might include that they are very snobby and act better than everyone else, and going along with that they are rude. Well, this group included about 9 girls and 4 guys, but only 3 on Monday. They were actually very nice. I got to talk to them and talk about fun stuff during lunch and while taking them downtown and around campus and Target. I have learned that when working with people from France or through my friends from France that it is a given they will always talk in French together. We might see this as rude to do in front of Americans but to them it isn't, so you kind of have to just look past this for the most part. It was a good day for the most part, no thanks to the other conversation leader who was supposedly in charge. But thats okay I had fun meeting and talking to the Parisians!

Other than that I have been just doing some office work in the AEC for the groups and stuff. Classes start for me next Wednesday and then conversation groups start the next week. I am hoping to maybe hang out with my new friends from Paris sometime though before they leave.

My practicum is also going somewhat better this semester but with new challenges. We are going to tackle issues such as racism, forgiveness, fighting, etc. in group counseling this semester, I think I have said this. But its starting to come together and my field instructor is being more productive. I am hoping to really make an impact this semester, or even more than last semester.

The job hunt is going. . . I sent an my resume and a cover letter for a position in California. But I don't know if I'll hear anything. . .still keeping the options open and looking around.

I have seen some interesting movies lately too. . .including Y Tu Mama Tambien
(its hard to get think about that movie still without sex), Vengo (I liked this one a lot), and Munich (interesting, and good, but long).

Thats all for now!

That was beautiful man. . .

I just wanted to write after my friend, Quijote posted in his blog a beautiful inspiring post. Okay, really don't take me too seriously here okay, but the story in there was just so vivid and original, it blew me away!

I am glad he is content and ready to start his next semester of grad school! That makes me happy to know that my friends and family are happy and okay with life. I on the other hand am still trying to figure out what the crap is going on and will happen in my life! I am pretty much to the crossroads, a major milestone if you would like to call it that of graduating from college in May with an undergraduate degree in social work. I know many of you are thinking I hope he didn't go into that thinking he was going to be one rich dude who helps people. I mean you are right about wanting to help people and all of that, but the money thing. . . I know. And some of you who read this might think to yourself, "hey hombre guapo comes from an upper class background doesn't he? His parents have money, he'll be fine for the rest of his life because the parents will always help him." Personally at times I resent and hate this aspect of knowing this that makes me who I am and at other times I am like its a nice safety net. Part of me wants to completely be independent of my parents and not to have to need them. To show that you can live life and be happy without a lot of money or fancy material possessions. But then another part is like look at yourself, you like nice stuff, you have nice stuff. Is that going to change because I want it to or because it will have to? I cannot change how I was brought up and how that affects my taste from food, to clothes, to whatever else I prefer. There are a lot of other issues that accompany my relationship to my immediate family that I care not to get into here, but some of it stems from this.

The job search or being any closer to where I am going to be or doing after graduation has gone really no where as of now. I am trying to stay optimistic there is time. . .and once I do get hired somewhere I have a lot to offer and am a hard worker so I am going to be a great wherever I am. But at the same time I am like the clock is ticking and I don't want to move in with my parents ever again. . .that might cause depression and suicidal thoughts. No not really I love my parents and they love me, but at the same time I was somewhat serious. If I don't get a job right away I want to be either traveling the world somewhere have deep life discoveries about the world and who I am or working somewhere full time (may be it Target) and living independently.

So, I've been back up here at school since last week because thats when practicum started. I am definately more optimistic and ready to go this semester than the last one. My field instructor is actually doing better at helping me and the other student. Our goal is to think of good topics for group, be organized, and to make a difference in these kids lives. We feel like we have a great chance to do this through grop and takling issues such as race, fighting, forgiveness, what a normal kid is (there isn't a normal) that sort of stuff, but keeping it upbeat. You know I got to do it and will get through it at times, but have to keep in mind that I could be helping kids to make good choices and feel better about themselves too!

I think I'll end on that positive point!

2006. . .it has started!

Yes, New Years was good for those of you wondering. I went to my friend's parent's house about an hour away to spend New Years there. I got there in time for a great dinner, good eats! Then we went to a party at another house I guess friend's of the family. Wine, brandy alexanders, and awful champagne type stuff from Missouri at 11 for New York's New Years. That was fun had a good time with my friend and her family and meeting some of their friends. I also ate a lot of chocolate, which was good I guess. We then went back to her house and originally were going to have a bonfire but it was cold, and we were really tired (I wasn't) and plus its really dry right now we didn't want to catch the town on fire. Then we sat on the couch and did a little talking nothing too exciting and then my friend opened the bottle of real champagne from France. We drunk that at midnight and let me tell you that was good stuff! Anyway, then we turned on the TV and watched that for a while my friend fell alseep on the couch with the TV on and everyone else went to bed. I was dazed and didn't know where the bedroom was that I was going to sleep in and I didn't want to wake her up. So, I layed down on the wood floor and was going to make the best of it that night. She did wake-up though and was like what are you doing? It worked out, but I didn't sleep that well anyway.

The next morning we went to church. My friend sang a beautiful song that she wrote the lyrics to and the music for that she played on the piano. It was about being captured by God's grace and mercy and good stuff like that. It was really breathtaking to listen to, so good! She really needs to copyright and record it!

After church we went to my friend's grandparents house for a huge New Years dAY party and feast all day. We left about 5 o'clock after we were vegetables. We ate steak soup, asparagus rolls, apple dumplings, eclairs, coffee with Baileys. All the great stuff! But actaully it was kind of boring my friend fell asleep on the couch for hours, I did too and the rest of time we were content just sitting and staring at the TV. We went back and I left, but they wanted me to stay another night. So, yes I like how I started off 2006!