You know what I can't stand that has made me want to just start yelling cuss words or cuss someone out is? My landlords and the duplex that I am still currently living in until Sunday! My landlords seem to have no consideration, and damn it they should becuase I paid my rent for this month and have done everything right. Monday they had carpeters come in and rip out all of the carpet through the house except for my room and put down cheap burbor carpet. I never was called to say this was going to happen only later did they apologize because it isn't like it was distracting or anything. What else? This morning I am sleeping in and stuff you know becuase I don't have a job. And don't really hear much or think of anything until I hear people walking around in my house! I realized that it was painters after too long but I was f###ing mad! I called my landlord a little bit later and was like hi, who is at my house and why? I would have appreciated a call and he was like I thought my wife did that. BEEP! Then pretty much I have nothing to do and was just planning on staying at home anyway, but I am camped out in my room today just like yesterday. Because if I left maybe they wouldn't but how easy would it be for people to come in here in my room and take my neatly packed boxes and my computer, etc. And its not like these people are quiet with their radios and my landlord out there talking to them and laughing about stupid stuff. I just would like my landlords to know that I cannot wait to leave this crappy duplex and thank them for everything they have done this year to make it nicer! #@#%$, @#%$*& that is what I want to say!

I have not felt like blogging for the past couple of days till a week really, but that is okay. A couple of funny things happened last week, but at the time were very frustrating. Number one, I dropped my cell phone into a glass of water while laying in my bed one night and ruined it, So, I did not have a phone for about a day and a half and had two not so nice experiences at Cingular here in town. The people were not very nice in my opinion, but some of that could've been my attitude I was a bit mad. The same day I had the experiences at Cingular I am at home and was cooking some lunch. Well, I closed my bedroom door because I did not want some flys to get into my room. Later I go back to the room and I can't open the door, I accidently locked myself out of my own bedroom. I was like what to do my keys, wallet and everything is in there and I have to leave. I found a screwdriver and broke into my own bedroom! The doorknob is unfixable I think, I have to buy a new one.

I had my last conversation group ever last week and that is very sad to me and the same day Friday night my last official Nation 2' Nation. I cried during a little speech I gave in front of everyone, embarrassing! But I'll be up to visit a lot, my parents' house is only 3 hours away from here. I am still really bummed about leaving because everyone knows I consider my friends my family more than my own blood family most of the time. But a lot of my friends are really making me feel a little bit more special this week, which makes it all the harder to leave!

Packing is going okay I guess. I need boxes which will be happening soon, but yeah. Today pretty much the whole afternoon there were people at my house though ripping out all of the old carpet and putting new carpet down. It was loud and annoying and I stayed in my room pretty much the whole time. My landlord called and it was like I thought it would be okay, we thought you would be at work all day. Last week he came over and ripped out all of the basement carpet while I was gone and asked before he did it, so it was okay. But today no warning or notice! I cannot really wait to leave this duplex anyway, it is pretty crappy!

Today I started to read a book that I have read before called, Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, one of my favorite authors. I tried to start another book in Spanish of mine that I haven't got to yet and with everything going on my mind couldn't do it. But I started the book today and I am through the first 100 pages already. The first chapter, in my opinion, is one of the best opening chapters to a book of all time. It is a love story. . . a girl and a man fall into an intense love relationship only communicating by secret letters. Well, she ends up marrying someone else and the first chapter of the book describes them and their marriage in a beautiful way after fifty years together. Well, the husband dies and enter the former love back into the woman's life. I really like the book, but I love to read books anyway!

Book Review

So, Jorge Ramos's memoir or autobiography Atravesando Fronteras only makes me want to meet him more after reading the book. I admire many things about Mr. Ramos, but there are some things that I do not agree with him on or I feel pain in my heart from some of his views about certain things or experiences he has been in. I admire a lot how he takes care of himself and the people he is close to by being it seems like a good friend and loves his family. He has had to make some pretty tough decisions in his life and he has made those and has triumphed over them without really looking back. He seems to be a pretty humble, down to earth man, and does not seem to write as a man with an ego problem. I admire his views about immigration and a strong advocate for the Hispanic Community in the U.S.

My heart feels pain when I read about how he does not really believe in a God or has any clear direction spiritually due to past experiences with the Catholic Church and School in Mexico. He seems to be a man always searching for something more and almost wants to believe in a loving God, but can't because he has too many doubts or sees people being hipocritical. I also feel sad in what he describes as his homeless state. He does not feel at home anywhere, Mexico his native country or the U.S. always feeling like an immigrant. Mexico because he has been gone so long because he left his family and everything behind when he was 25 and has not returned to live there since. There is a lot of intense feelings there from what I can tell and I could only imagine what that would be like. But at the same being in the U.S. for 20 years he still feels like a foreigner even though much of his life is here. He describes that the only true home he felt like was there is the house he grew up in in Mexico City with his family. He dreams about it every night if he is lucky and the dream is always about this home. WOW!

I think this book really made me think about my life and in someways feel like I am able to relate to Mr. Ramos. I mean right now I kind of feel like I have been on a search for my home for a while and where that really is and what that feels like. For me leaving Kansas is like leaving my home and going to live with my parents and brother again in the same house is like foreign to me, a place that I used to call home but not anymore. I know my life isn't as extreme as his life, but who knows maybe I will end up leaving this country someday to live in South America or Guatemala or something teaching English and working on social issues. Some other points that Mr. Ramos hits on his book is his strong advocacy for Hispanics in the U.S. which I am all about and just his views on social issues in general. I feel like we would have similar political views and ideas about how to end the cycle of poverty and what a country's government should consider important that type of thing. This book impacted me more than I thought on many levels. Pretty much I wish I had an internship at Univision and could just be like Mr. Ramos's assistant for about a month.

So I read this book in Spanish and I wrote all of this in English I need to practice more I guess about talking about a book that I read in Spanish in Spanish.

It is Official I am Moving Back to Missouri.

Yes, after a lot of thinking, praying, and many hard decisions before me I have decided to move back to Missouri with my family until I figure things out. Right now I do not feel good about the possibility of staying here another year and with all the complications about finding an apartment, God was telling me something. I really do not want to go back to Missouri and live with my family, but I really believe that is the wisest thing right now. I actually feel at peace now and happy that I have made a decision about my life to go in one direction or the other. I only plan to be there on a temporary basis, try to be out by Thanksgiving and my parent's want me there but not really I think. I'll keep you all posted, but I am still trying to process it all too and the implications of my decision.

Thanks for all of your support!

A Break from the Normal Weekend

So a bit of context first. One of my good friends who is now living in Florida and will be a new teacher this year emailed me earlier this week and was like I think I am coming to Missouri this weekend. We have been trying to plan sometime when we would see each other this summer, so there you go. Anyway, she was going to come with one of her good friends from Florida and they were going to try to fly into KC. Then I would drive them from KCI about the three hour trip to her house and then probably leave that night after one of her grandparents' famous fish fries. Well, I heard nada until about Friday night at like 7:45. My friend was driving from Florida to Missouri and was checking to make sure I could pick up her friend the next day from KCI at around noon. WHAT?! But okay fine and I'll get a good dinner out of it or so I thought and would make the best out of the ride from the airport to her hometown with this perfect stranger.

The ride down to my friend's hometown ended up being quit enjoyable with her friend. We talked the whole four hours about fun to deep things even at lunch at O'Charlies. We had a good time talking about my friend and some of her faults or things that are just can be her and only her. We actually had a good time agreeing on several things, but it was all in good fun nothing horrible.

We got there and it was nice to be done with driving and get ready for the fish fry and at this point pretty much decided that I would be staying the night after everyone wanting me to stay. Okay. . . the fish fry was great with all her family there, good food, and wine. Later that night my friend, her friend (my new friend) and I went on the roof to talk a bit and stare at the stars. It was amazing and kind of surreal!

Next day I went to church and lunch with everyone and decided to go on the lake with all of them too and pretty much I would be leaving Monday morning early. So a less than half a day trip turned into 2 nights and at least a day and a half trip. But we went on the lake that afternoon and evening and that was a blast a bit hot, but no sunburn here. Some of them went skiing and I went tubing for the first time and was pretty good at it for my first time I thought. My good friend surprised me at one point and decided to share the tube with me and do that, we had a blast laughing and everything that wiping out didn't really bother us. Then my friend's dad was going to ski and she was going to drive this old boat until she broke the key off in the ignition. This was proceeded by "oh gosh, oh gosh" while I was in the front seat and got excited and dropped a whole bag of chex mix all over the front of the boat. My friend's dad didn't get to ski but somehow we got the boat started again with a pair of pliers. We went to her grandparents boat for snacks and dinner. We were in a cover and my friend wanted to jump off of some of the cliffs and I followed her because her parents told me to. Well we ended up going a good ways followed by me saving my friend's life three different times. Of course she just wanted to jump and thought it was deep enough until I went down all three times and came back up after touching the bottom. Then we scaled the rocks back together for the most part back to where the boat was with a few tense funny moments of one person freaking out and the other one having to grab the other one. We both made it back in one piece though after a good time, but I was exhausted. Then we ate and finally went back that was the afternoon and evening on the lake, the perfect day!

I left there about 6:30 this morning after a pretty good weekend out of the ordinary!

What else? Oh yeah I don't know if I am going to stay in Kansas anymore, I am leaning on going back to Missouri again until I figure out what to do. There have been a lot of complications lately with stuff, a lot of stress that now I am leaning more in the direction of not staying. We'll see though, but this weekend helped me think about some things more objectively and out of context that I think I was able to listen to my gut and inside more. I don't know, pretty much everything in my life right now is unclear except a few solid things! What a fun place to be in!

A Tale of When I Had Relations with the County of Estonia

Yes, I am going to publish a post about the semester and a half that I had relations with the beautiful country of Estonia. This all happened during the school year of 2004-2005 when this girl K. was here in the U.S. We still talk via computer every once in a while. I just want to set the record straight that out of everything that happened I do not regret any of it and that is why I feel free to talk about this past relationship/short fling thing.

You see, I met K at International Student Orientation in August of 2004 and she was a pretty girl. I remember going to a party not to long after that which she was at and maybe having too much to drink and pretty much sitting down leaning with my back against her legs. I think at this point I must have realized that maybe there was something there but didn't really do anything about it. Nothing really happened until the ISA (International Student Association) annual Halloween Party. Before that I was kind of interested in this French girl (not the same one some of you might be thinking of) and things weren't going anywhere. Well that night at the Halloween Party I asked K out on a date and she said, "Yes" to my surprise and delight. Well two days later on a Saturday I picked her up for our first date and we went downtown for lunch. We talked, well I talked a lot which I always do and she just sat there and smiled. She also made me order for her that day, which I didn't know if that was culture but I thought that was kind of cool like she was letting me have the control. I remember walking back to the car and talking about how that was fun and we should continue hanging out/dating if she wanted to and she was like, "sure, if you want to" kind of thing. The End of the First Date.

The actual official relationship only lasted probably like three weeks to a month. But we would like go to parties with each other and we both always ended up pretty drunk and having a good time that first semester. Good times! I would go over to her apartment on campus and we would end up on the couch laying down together talking or watching TV or whatever usually till 1 or 2 in the morning whenever I decided to leave. We had lunch on campus and did that sort of stuff, but it wasn't really anything serious. I remember shortly after we started going out though she told me about this German guy who I knew too that came out and said he liked her after we started dating. She knew this, but she liked me better and everything was okay but it made me feel good knowing that she would pick me over this guy, that sort of thing.

The end of the official relationship. . . one Saturday night I went over to her apartment with a bottle of wine and food to cook dinner with dessert. This ended up being a success and we ended up drinking the bottle of wine that night between us plus a little vodka later. Well, of course we ended up on the couch cuddling, talking whatever you want to say. Then at some point in the course of the night we ended up laying on the floor and I was completely naive, but at the same time how was I that stupid. She turned over late in the night/early morning and was like "don't you want to kiss me or something like this?" Well, okay so I rolled over to kiss her . . . and for some reason a brief second after that I felt uncomfortable and stopped. Then we didn't talk for a while and like ten minutes later at like 4:30 in the morning I just said I had to leave. YEAH. . .

Three days later we met on campus for coffee and talked and decided to just be friends. But like everything the friendship was complicated and the line was blurred. Her birthday was a couple of weeks later and I remember going to her party with a gift and we both got drunk. We were like by each other and close the whole night, but didn't kiss or anything like that but whatever was left from the relationship was still obviously there at least the attraction. I thought she was a very pretty girl, some people would think differently. Then we both got each other Christmas gifts and I still have the card and gift she got me. She gave me a picture book of the region of Estonia she is from and the card had three phone numbers for the three different cities she might be on at any given time and email address. Over the break I called Estonia three times I think and we talked a bit and a lot through MSN you know that sort of stuff. But then.. . .

The first day I was back in Lawrence after being with my friend in Detroit for nine days we texted each other on cell phones a lot that kind of thing. Well, the first night I went with two other friends to Chipotle and didn't expect to see her there with her good friend from Germany. Well, that was weird because I just went up and pretty much gave her a quick hug and we didn't talk much because I didn't want my two friends to think anything. Like, "what the hell is he doing with that girl." Well, that was pretty much the end right there of any other romance that might've occurred. I think like the next week or so on campus we had lunch and talked and I came out with that I still liked her or something. And her response was, "Shit, shit!" Weird. . . and then a couple months later like in March we were having lunch and at the very end, the very end like she didn't want to say anything, but that she got a boyfriend. But after everything and because she waited I knew. . .

So, like I said she left at the end of the school year and we still talk via MSN sometimes. But some of you know this story and others of you don't, but I just felt like sharing and really have nothing to hide. I don't regret that, it was actually a fun year.

A Beautiful Wedding on Cape Cod for two of my Best Friends!

What more can I say? The weather was perfect, not too hot clear blue skies with a view of the cape in the background at a villa. Everyone looked beautiful, happy, and in love the most important thing. I don't think I have ever been to a more beautiful wedding with such elegantness and just simple beauty. The food was great, all three or four courses of it, good company. The only thing was that my ear hurt because it was clogged and it was driving me crazy and did for the first two days I was on the Cape. I am so happy two of my best friends got married and I know they will be happy together forever!

I thought Cape Cod is truly an amazing place, I love the trees that nestle you in on all sides except maybe the ocean. I got to stay in the most charming like summer house places I've ever been at with a pool nicer than a lot of hotels. It was so peaceful most of the time besides stressing out about my ear, or trying to change flights, etc. . .But during the day I just loved to go in one of the rooms with the windows and the sun coming in and sit in a really comfortable chair or lay on the couch and read my book or write in my journal. I had such an inner peace during those times and felt like there was no need to worry about anything!

We also went to a beach one day which was really nice to just walk up and down the beach with my legs in the ocean. I wrote later that day in my journal how much I love the beach and the ocean. Its like it transforms me to another place that is quit peaceful and outside of my everyday reality. I could be on a very busy beach I suppose or whatever and still feel that solitude that comes with staring into the water, feeling the sand, and listening to the waves. The beach is truly an amazing place! But a lot of the time on the Cape it was nice to just feel like it was just me and things were quiet and I could think and write without getting to stressed out.

But the main reason I was there was for the wedding. I was so happy to be there for my friends - even though I didn't get to talk to them that much - its okay. My friend, (the groom), the night the guys went out before the wedding really did a good job of letting me know he was glad I was there though. At one point, I think we both were tipsy, but that doesn't matter he came and sat by me in the booth while everyone else was standing and really affirmed our friendship so to speak. It was special to me - -I won't forget that conversation. But there were other little things like when my friend (the bride) was opening gifts. I wrote a little note but it was personal and didn't get any gift though. I will though - I'll make up for that because I got back to my parents and they think that it is appaling. But anyway she read my note and I could tell it meant something. But anyway I wish them all the happiness they deserve! I can't wait to move back in a couple of months to the Midwest because then I'll get to see them more again, like the good old days!