Quick note about my departure date it is now I believe going to be Friday September 29th instead of Wednesday, but that is only 2 more days to wait. I am so ready to go!

Well, I can't sleep. I thought I was tired and tried to go to bed tonight before 11 o'clock, but instead I turned the computer back on to check the email and blog while sipping some wine. I turned another year older today, I am still very young, but at the same time is it possible to feel sort of old even though you aren't. I mean I know in the grand scheme of life I am still pretty young, but turning 23 just feels weird. I remember when we thought people who were seniors in high school and 18 were old and look at me now, I've passed that now by five years. I think I am pretty happy with what I have done thus far though and I am even more excited to see what happens in the next 30, 40, 50, 60, even 70 years for my life! But for the record after 25, I won't be counting any more at least for a while and I will remain 25, haha! Oh I am growing up. . . . maybe in 10 more years I'll consider myself grown up!

But lately since I have been at home a lot and been bored I have been reflecting back on some things. So, picture me just graduated from high school and then a couple of months later I moved up to Lawrence Kansas to go to college. My first year of college I did somewhat okay with keeping up with my good friends from high school or so I thought. And then after that I don't know I had my own friends from college, who by that point I was closer to and everything was different at home. People went different directions or had new friends too, and I kind of put a lot of distance between them and me. I don't think I ever felt ashamed of my "roots" or whatever, it just with time I didn't want to keep revisiting that and acting like things never changed from high school. A lot of my friends think that I thought I got all better for them and brushed them off or that I changed and was more serious and grown up acting, which was bad. They all liked the crazy fun guy from high school, which I still am. But at the same time looking back at it now how I acted in high school was almost embarrassing for me knowing that I was so immature at the expense of everyone's laughter and jokes, but that is what everyone liked about me. Then I heard the rumors from my brother about what people were saying about me who I went to high school with, even some of my good friends that I was gay and all of this. Who started that up and made that up because that hurt a lot and of course I don't want to talk to those people then and distanced myself further. Anyway, I don't know why exactly I distanced myself away from everyone so much, but if they looked back I checked out of high school by the end of my junior year. Do not get me wrong I had a lot of fun in high school and some great friendships, but now I consider myself close to only about one or two people from my high school and one of those has been on the downhill for a while. Personally, I am offended when some of my friends tell me or I hear that they don't like the "new Ty" or "why did I have to change?" Hello, not all change is bad and I feel like change is necessary and if anything I have changed for the better. I think it is selfish for people to ask or tell other people, "don't change" or "never ever change" "we liked who you were in high school and how much fun you were." It is like telling me now that you aren't as much fun and that maybe you've changed but we haven't so what is wrong with you? I know part of this is all my fault that I distanced myself away from my "home" or "roots" but I don't regret that for a second because that is not who I wanted to be forever. Maybe I should've hung out with more people over the years while I was at home, but I didn't because I was worried about how I was perceived or felt like there wasn't much in common between everyone anymore. So, yes I am partly to blame, but should I feel guilty about that and the decisions I made? Like today I had a friend from high school post a message on facebook today for my birthday that said, "Happy Birthday long lost friend!" Okay yes I read way too much into the words long lost friend, but ouch on a couple of levels. I got past that and later left a message on his wall. . . . who knows? This is one of my eternal conflicts about being back in Missouri after I went to KU that first semester because ever since nothing about "home" has ever felt the same. Well, maybe it is the wine. . .

I am reading another interesting book called Tokyo Delayed that I got at Barnes and Noble on Saturday night. Maybe I'll finish it tomorrow and then post a book review for you all.